120 days... (36 page)

“Can you tell me?”

“Cancer spreading . . . not good for me . . . or the baby.”

“We’re going to have to take the baby out via C-section and hope for the best.”

“Yes . . . everything for her.”

The doctor held up his hand to Ethan. “Don’t worry, Mr. McGregor, we’ll also be doing everything for Samantha.”

Slowly, Sam’s head turned toward him. “I’m sorry . . .”

He was doing everything he could to stay calm for her, but the dread he’d been filled with since she couldn’t wake up this morning came barreling back to him like a runaway freight train. “No, no, don’t be sorry. Fight.”

“I am . . . just . . . so tired . . .”

“You can sleep afterwards. Right now you fight for our daughter and you fight for us.” He was struggling so hard not to sob in front of her.

“I . . . will . . .”

“We need to get her up to the operating room right now. Mr. McGregor . . . Mr. McGregor . . . Ethan! Go with the nurse. She’ll get you ready.”

“Samantha, I’ll be right back okay?”

“Sure . . .”

“I love you.” His voice broke on the last word.

“I love . . . you, too . . .”

Ethan turned away, leaving a bit of his heart with her.

Sam watched as Ethan walked out of the room and turned back to the doctor. “Jennie, the baby . . . it’s all about her . . . I know . . . Seen this too many times . . . I know my body . . . too much cancer . . . She needs to live for him . . . since I can’t . . .”

“We can’t know for sure how bad the cancer has spread since we haven’t been able to do any scans.” The doctor patted her shoulder.

“I know . . . I know . . .”

“Either way, we’ve discussed this. I know what your wishes are.”

“Thank . . . you . . .” She closed her eyes and placed her hand on her belly having a last moment with her daughter, knowing there wasn’t going to be many more. She hoped everything she had done up to that moment would be enough for her daughter to know how much she loved her, and to never think less of herself because her mother chose for her to live while she died.

They gave Ethan a chair so he could sit next to Sam’s head. He had one of her hands in his and the other was stroking her hair. There was a large sheet in front of them so neither one of them could see what was happening on the other side of it. That was for the best. He only wanted to focus on Sam.

“Hey, beautiful,” he said.

“Don’t make me laugh.”

“But you are the most beautiful woman in the world to me.”

“Hush . . . Hey, did you ever come up with a middle name?” Her words were beginning to slur.

“I sure did. You want to know?”

“What do you think?”

“Her name will be Jennie Samantha McGregor. Named after three of the best, most loving, and strongest women I’ve ever known.”

“I love you so much.” A tear slipped down the side of her face.

Ethan wiped it away. “I love you, too. Now don’t cry. You’re going to be meeting our daughter soon.”

She gripped his hand tightly. “Ethan, please, you have to know I love you, always remember that, even when I’m gone.”

“Shhh . . .” He didn’t want to have this conversation with her. He wanted her to be focused on fighting.

“No, let me finish . . . if I’m wrong, you can throw it back in my face later . . . I will always love you, whether I am on this Earth or up in Heaven, you are the one for me . . . the only one for me. God brought you into my life when I needed you most . . . now he’s taking me back, but leaving you with our daughter . . . Love her, raise her, and make her a better woman than I am . . . Never forget me . . . but don’t be afraid to move on . . .”

His heart was racing so fast he wasn’t sure he was hearing everything she said. “Samantha, please . . .”

“Love our daughter . . . never for one minute let her think this . . . my death is her fault . . .”

The voices and blood rushing through Ethan’s ears made it hard for him to focus on her when that was all he wanted. It felt like a nightmare he wanted to wake up from. He wanted to physically hurt himself somehow so he could wake up, but he was too scared it was real life and they’d take him away from Sam. Vaguely, he could hear the doctors and nurses talking, but their words didn’t register.

One of the nurses came around the other side and leaned down to talk to them. “We are breaking with protocol. Give us a minute with your daughter and then you can see her, but only for a moment. We need to get her to the NICU. We’ll already have her on oxygen, so don’t be alarmed. She’s early so she needs it to survive.”

“How are things looking?” Ethan asked.

“Let’s just concentrate on one thing at a time, okay?” The nurse stood up and walked away.

Ethan looked back down at Sam who was staring at him.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “This isn’t a nightmare . . . I don’t want to leave you . . . but it’s not up to me . . . He’s given me all the extra time I can have.”

“No . . .”

“Yes, my love. When the time comes, you have to let me go.”

A soft mew came from the other side of the curtain and they both went still as the beeping from the monitors slowed even more than they had to begin with. Quickly, their daughter was brought to them and laid on her chest. He couldn’t keep the tears back any longer at the first sight of his tiny daughter, so small and perfect. Reaching out with a shaking hand, he cupped her small head, and for a brief moment, the three of them were a family.

“Oh, my precious,” Sam said, tears running down her face. “I know this is all new to you . . . and you’re so little . . . but you have to fight . . . You have to take care of your daddy here . . . He’s going to need you.” She raised her head and kissed her daughter. “I love you, baby girl . . . Mommy will always love you.”

The nurses came by, picked up their daughter and took her away. Ethan looked down at Sam and her tear-filled eyes met his.

“She’s . . . so . . . beautiful . . .” Her breath came in shallow rapid gasps.

“Just like her mama.”

“Please . . . please . . . take . . . care . . . of . . . her . . .”

“You know I will, and you can help me.” He needed her to live.

“No . . . I’m . . . sorry . . .”

“Fight, damn you, fight.” There was no hiding the tears. He had a hard time talking around the sobs. His wife was dying right in front of him and there was absolutely nothing he could do.

“No . . . more . . . left . . .”

“Samantha . . .”

“Love . . . you . . .”

Their eyes locked together, each telling each other what they couldn’t say with words until the light went out in her eyes and the beeping slowed and then stopped.

“No, no, no, no,” Ethan said. “Please, please, God, she can’t die . . . I need her . . . I don’t know what to do . . .” Again, like when his parents had died, Ethan had no idea what came next, what he should be doing. He was lost, and as of that moment, alone, when just minutes before the three of them had been a family. Their daughter was fighting for her life in an incubator, all alone; she’d lost her mommy, and the one constant in her life had been ripped from her. The love of his life had been taken from him. How were they both going to survive without Samantha?

Ethan laid his head on her chest and listened to the silence, hating every second of it. He’d give every single dollar he’d ever made to have her heart start beating again. He’d never felt this kind of pain in his whole life and he wasn’t sure it was ever going to end. Too soon, the staff were telling him to leave. If his heart was whole, this would have broken it, but there was nothing left of it to break.

Ethan picked up Evan’s well-worn journal and turned to the last entry.

Day 83

Ethan –

Evan woke up briefly, he looked at me and said, “Tell my brother I’ll be waiting for him with Mom and Dad.” He slipped back into unconsciousness and took his last breath at three-eighteen in the afternoon.

I know these words are inadequate, but I am so sorry for your loss. Evan was a very special man.

Samantha

And now Sam was up there with his family.

After all of this time, it was so strange for him to be spending so much time back in his house. He’d made arrangements for Samantha to be cremated and was having a tree planted next to her parents. The plan was to go back up to the resort that weekend. There was no one else he would allow to dig the hole to plant the tree in but himself. It was one of the few things he could focus on.

The other was his daughter, his precious little daughter. She was a fighter, just like her mother. He was so conflicted. On one hand, he didn’t want to let Jennie out of his sight; she was all he had, and he had to protect her; she was so tiny. The other was the fact that he was scared to death of what he was going to do next. Once again, he went back to that young man who’d lost his parents too soon and had no clue how to raise his brother, or even live.

Sam had only been to his house once, but she still lived there. There was nowhere for him to escape her memory. He hoped the first night was the worst, but a week later, he still wasn’t sure it was ever going to get better. Every night he came back exhausted, and dropped into bed, only to wake a few hours later with thoughts of Sam. He never went down the hall to his office. Every time he saw the butterfly painting, his loss slammed into him once again. The next morning, he’d get up and head back to the hospital to check on Jennie.

He was a lost soul, always wandering, searching for something that was never there. In one brief moment, he’d lost his purpose, but gained a new one. One he had no idea what to do with.

They say babies didn’t know where they were, they couldn’t miss someone. But he was pretty sure Jennie was grieving along with him. The nurses were wonderful, but Ethan could tell she knew when he was there. She always tried to find him when he talked to her, and she’d grab on tighter to his fingers than the nurses.’ The two of them were all the other had.

Sighing, he turned his back on the view he was sure Sam would have loved. There was a storm out over the ocean, a deep dark blue against the orange of the bridge. He knew he was stalling. Going to another lawyer’s appointment in a year because someone he loved had died was almost more than he could take. He took a shower out of habit and put one of his suits on, surprised it hung so loose on his hips. Eating had become a necessity, and only if someone put something in front of him.

Ethan couldn’t take joy in anything. He was breathing in and out, and that was about it.