Read You're Not Crazy - It's Your Mother Online
Authors: Danu Morrigan
Very rarely you might find that you have to spend a number of 15 minute sessions writing ‘I don’t know what to write’ over and over, before the words start coming. That can happen if, in your brain, the injunction to never speak your truth is very solid. But do persevere – this exercise holds so much freedom and power within it.
Now, this process can be tough. There can be pain; these memories will not necessarily be pleasant. Well, probably they will
not
be pleasant. If you get upset while you are writing, if at all possible keep writing through the pain. Just accept the pain and allow it. If it really does get too much, stop writing and tap, i.e. use EFT. This is very powerful healing, because these feelings, which had been buried and submerged all these years, are now being experienced and acknowledged and felt, and with the help of EFT, processed and moved on.
I discuss forgiving her here, as it is, if anything, an element in your own healing. But forgiveness is a loaded topic.
During my last conversation with my mother she said, sulkily almost, crossly for sure, ‘You won’t forgive us’. The subtext being, as I had heard this many times before, ‘You are so begrudging and hard that you cling to your upset’. Which of course was invalidation all by itself. And the subtext of
that
was, ‘You need to keep writing off all that we do, and allow us to keep doing it’.
I pointed this out to her by saying, ‘If by “forgive”, you mean to allow you to keep abusing me, then you’re right, I won’t forgive you. But I am not bearing any grudges.’ Needless to say, in classic narcissist form she didn’t engage with that and just repeated, ‘You won’t forgive us!’
Was she right? Should I have forgiven her and my father? What does forgiveness even mean?
This issue comes up regularly for DONMs, and is a fraught one. There are two challenges with it. The first is a question as to whether narcissists can help what they do, and if not, should they be blamed for doing what they can’t help. We don’t blame people with Tourette’s, for example, for doing things which would we would blame other people for doing. People with Tourette’s don’t need forgiveness for their expletives because, as they can’t help it, there’s no offence. Surely the same should apply to narcissists, if they can’t help it?
And so, can they help themselves?
This is a tricky one. The answer is both yes and no.
For a start, NPD is
not
a defence in law. It is not insanity. Narcissists are perfectly aware of what they are doing, so yes, they can help it. They just don’t see, or
can’t
see, why they should do any differently. And that’s where the ‘no’ answer comes in.
I only dimly understand how a narcissist thinks, in as much as I think any non-narcissist can understand it. I think of it like this: I jettison yesterday’s newspaper without a worry or thought or concern once it stops being of use to me. I don’t stop to think what the newspaper thinks of that treatment. Why should I? The newspaper is nothing, it has no needs or wants, and therefore the only thing that matters in the equation is what
I
want; in this case, for the newspaper to be gone out of the sitting room so the room can be tidy.
Narcissists view other people as having as little value, or rights, as a newspaper. They don’t articulate this to themselves, of course. They are not introspective at all as already said. But that’s what it amounts to.
So, I theoretically
could
treat the newspaper with more respect. I
can
help what I do with it. I just choose not to because it is not necessary to do so.
To my best guess, this is how it is with narcissists.
So, do I need to be forgiven for just jettisoning the newspaper? Does the tornado need to be forgiven for destroying a town? Does the toddler need to be forgiven for drawing on a wall?
In a way they are nonsensical questions, aren’t they? There was no crime committed, no matter the damage to the newspaper, the town, the wall. And so forgiveness is a moot point.
Maybe the same applies to narcissists.
So we don’t forgive her, but not because we’re bearing a grudge, but because it’s an irrelevant concept in this case.
We can look at it another way too: The fact is that the
word ‘forgive’ itself is quite a woolly one. It has several meanings.
The first is in the sense of ‘to forgive a debt’. Your mother owes you a debt for her ill-treatment of you, no doubt about that. Not necessarily money, but hey, therapy doesn’t come cheap. But a debt of acknowledgment for sure, and reparations in whatever way would be possible. But the thing is, she doesn’t acknowledge that debt, and has no intention of paying it, and never will. So, for you to forgive that debt is to write it off, so to speak. It is to accept that your mother will never make up to you for what she did – and to let that be okay. To accept it calmly and philosophically. That is not an easy place to get to, but I suggest it is well worth trying as it frees
you
.
The second meaning of ‘forgive’ is to ‘cease to feel resentment towards’. Again, if you can do this, it is hugely empowering for you. Your resentment is a tie between you and her, and cutting that tie will free you. Your resentment is a knot of acid in your own heart, and even your own body, and it does you no good. The more you can forgive her, in this sense, the better for you. No, she does not deserve to be forgiven like this. But this isn’t about her, it’s about you.
The third meaning, often used, is ‘to say it was okay that it happened’. And that is the meaning that DONMs, rightfully, resist. It was
not
okay that it happened. She was totally wrong to do what she did, and nothing will ever change that. You never have to try to persuade yourself otherwise.
Another reason that DONMs resist forgiving their mothers is that they think it means letting her back into their lives. This is categorically not so. You can forgive from a safe distance. Forgiveness absolutely does not mean that you have to subject yourself to more abuse. That was the mistake my mother was making.
Yes, if there weres a case where someone did something wrong to you, and they were genuinely remorseful, and apologised, and made suitable reparations, and you knew that they fully intended never to repeat the offence, then forgiveness can, and would, include resuming the relationship. But that does not apply to narcissistic mothers.
And so, in summary, I think that forgiving them in the first and second meanings is good to aspire to, because it heals us and frees us. It’s something we do for us, and that can only be good. The third meaning should never apply. And no meaning should mean we have to let her continue to abuse us.
But even for the first and second meanings – I don’t necessarily think it should be a goal by itself, because then it can put pressure on us if we don’t succeed. I think it is a valid end result of our own healing when we do it, and perhaps how we feel about forgiving her (in that sense), is a good marker of how our healing is going.
Another way to describe forgiveness is this: To give up the wish that things could have been different. In other words, to release any attachment or desire about her being the mother you wanted, or you having the mother you wanted. This might sound very Buddhist, and in a way it is, but just by coincidence. But it is true what they say is that the only source of suffering is desire. All suffering is caused by us wanting things to be different than what they are. The more we accept things as they are without resistance, the less we suffer.
For years I did not have therapy. This was partly cultural as therapy wasn’t common in my time or place. And it was partly that I just thought I was born broken and so I didn’t think there was any way to fix me. Also there was an element that I learned early not to rely on others. And as part of doing things myself I did a lot of healing myself with EFT – I do credit EFT with me being as well, as whole and as happy as I am (to the extent that I am well, whole and happy – it’s still a journey and a process).
But my colleague Light (she of
www.lightsthouse.org
fame) persuaded me to try therapy. She said that I would get gifts out of it I had not even expected, and could not imagine.
And so I did, and it was very empowering. The validation was huge, and it is hard to give that to yourself. Also a healthy and objective perspective on myself was a revelation. For example, I remember with shock when my therapist told me I was too hard on myself. I had always thought I was too easy on myself and let myself away with far too much! That was an interesting perspective which has changed how I treat myself massively, and which I would never have experienced otherwise.
But the therapy has to be the right therapy, with the right therapist, and there are a lot of bad ones out there. Light taught me how to shop for a good therapist.
Don’t be scared to shop around. Despite what you think, you do not have to take the first therapist you speak to. Having the right therapist is an extremely important decision and you need to get it right. Speak to them on the phone first. (And if, as happened to me on more than one occasion, they are far too important to speak to you on the phone, move right along.)
Trust your gut. If you don’t like them or don’t feel comfortable with them, then don’t take it any further. It’s the therapist’s job to establish rapport and make you feel comfortable, and you should experience that immediately. They should do a good (i.e. feels right to you) mix of allowing you to speak but also of guiding the conversation where you are struggling. Too many I spoke to just went into a long sales-spiel of a speech, with no reference to me. Others said they would answer questions, but when I said I didn’t even know what questions to ask, they left me floundering. The wonderful woman I ended up seeing, when I said that, immediately picked up the slack and ‘carried me’ so to speak, but in a supportive rather than over-bearing way.
This is essential: Make sure your therapist knows about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. A frightening number of them do not. So as part of your phone interview ask them what they know about NPD, and if they don’t answer satisfactorily, move on. We have had cases on the forum of therapists who, clearly not understanding NPD, tried to get the DONM to re-establish contact with her mother, and/or invalidated her experiences.
Know what their credentials are, and what they mean. Do your research on that.
Above all do not let them invalidate you, or your experiences, or opinions. You have been brought to therapy by a lifetime of invalidation; you do not need more. This is not to say that they cannot offer you different perspectives – indeed, they need to, to help you move on. But they can do it without invalidating your current perspective. Here is the flavour of feedback you are looking for: ‘I can totally see why you would see it that way; it does fit the evidence. But would you consider this alternative interpretation of the evidence?’ Not, ‘You are wrong to think that’.
Asking questions has two benefits: not only will give you the answers to the question you ask, but how the therapist reacts to your question will also tell you a
lot.
Don’t just listen to the information you’re given, listen to
how
it is given. Does the therapist resent you asking this? Is she impatient? Dismissive? Patronising? Any of those things will be red flags. Don’t hesitate to move on.
It may well feel threatening to interview them in effect. This isn’t surprising given your upbringing. But try and see it as a new skill, a new way of behaving in the world. You are changing a lot now, and this is one big step.
Here’s another thing – you don’t need a reason to move on. You can just do it. You don’t have to justify to yourself, or anyone, why you didn’t pick a particular therapist. If it doesn’t feel right, then move on.
Think of the relationship as a courtship. Have a few ‘dates’, i.e. appointments, first, to see if they are right for you, before committing to them.
To quote Light :
Among other things, the right therapist will make you feel:
Finding
the
right
therapist may take a while, but is
very
worth the bit of extra effort. You’ll be very glad you chose well.
The next section is about EFT. A huge amount of the value in this book is to found in learning the amazing resource of EFT. But if you don’t wish to read about it, or not yet, then you can skip right to the section on “Now You Are Free To Fly” towards the end of the book
.
I have spent many years looking into ways of healing. Of course, for most of those years, until I had the N-realisation, I thought it was about fixing a broken me rather than healing a wounded me. But no matter. The resources and epiphanies are still good.
The major tool I would like to share is an amazing technique called EFT. EFT stands for
Emotional Freedom Technique
, and that’s what it does: It gives emotional freedom. It literally erases all the negative emotions around an event, so that we can remember it with total calm. And more, it’s great for erasing the kind of false limiting beliefs that our mothers implanted in us, the ones which keep us living small, and in so doing allowing new, true, empowering beliefs, or at least, possibilities, to take root.