Read Wild Swans Online

Authors: Patricia Snodgrass

Wild Swans (20 page)

“But the church—”

“—I’m not as in love with the church as you are. I’d just as soon as drop it as the rest of it.”

“Althea,” he hissed, shocked. “That’s blasphemy.”

“So what if it is? Do you honestly think I care at this point?”

Hank was stunned into silence. Althea bit her tongue, coming dangerously close to telling him the whole truth about herself and her past. She thought about it, but the look of hurt and confusion on his face was almost too much to bear.

“You can’t go out into the world alone, Althea,” Hank was saying, misjudging her expression. “It’s just not safe for a woman to do that.”

“Then say you love me then. Kiss me now and say it.”

“I can’t Althie, you know I can’t.”

Althea stepped further away from him, dropping her arms helplessly to her sides. Her heart ached. She felt strangely scorned and profoundly hurt and even somewhat relieved. “Don’t worry about me, then. I can take care of myself. You go into the church, please, and talk to father. Tell him who you truly love. Marry the Holy Mother Church. I know the two of you will be very happy together.”

“Althea,” Hank said sadly, but Althea had already turned on her heel and ran out into the darkness.

She heard Hank’s faint entreaties as she flew down the street, felt Mr. Lindt’s emotions flowing into her mind. His concern, his compassion, the warmth of his thoughts did not comfort her. She ran, tears streaming down her cheeks, her chest burning with anger and self loathing.

It wasn’t until several blocks later that she stopped. She leaned against a building covered in salt and pepper colored brick, struggling for breath, fighting a stitch in her side. She looked around. She was alone. Hank hadn’t followed her, nor had Cally or Mr. Lindt. Nor could she feel his comforting presence in her mind.

He left me too
, she thought. Over the past few weeks her ability to hear him went from a fuzzy noncommittal sensation to knowing that she was now a part of him, and he of her. She knew Lindt was far beyond the beings that walked and ate and worked and played and made love in their marked out little territories. Mrs. Ramsay had been right about that. What else did the old woman know, and did that knowledge lead to her death?

That’s ridiculous
, Althea told herself, dismissing the idea.
How can fireflies know something like that?

But it’s more than that isn’t it?
she considered.
It’s shadow things that cause sick headaches and buzzards roosting where they shouldn’t and healthy trees turning to dust for no reason whatsoever.
She shook off a chill.

Althea’s thoughts returned to Mr. Lindt. She was growing to love him, not as a woman to a man, but as a daughter to a father. She knew that Cally was in love with him and she was certain that on some level he felt the same way. But she also sensed a bittersweet sadness in the man whenever Cally got too close emotionally.

Lindt and
Tante
are very preoccupied. Althea noted
. He partitioned his mind off from me. He doesn’t want me to know what they’re doing out there in the woods where nobody but the man in the moon can see. But I know. I know.

Feeling strangely abandoned, Althea pushed herself away from the building and started to walk deeper into town. Before she knew it she was standing on the sidewalk in front of a small strip mall. She passed two small dress shops and a bistro before pausing at the Army recruiting office at the end of the mall.

The recruiter is still there, Althea thought. Her heart, eager and yet afraid, pounded against her ribs. In the distance, Elvis crooned, ‘it’s now or never.’

**
It’s time
**
.
Lindt’s thoughts flowed through her mind. The tone was somewhat bemused and she wondered what he could be laughing about.

**
You asked Hank earlier if he had the backbone to step into the church and declare himself. Now, I find you standing at another door, wondering the same thing about yourself. Can you declare yourself, Althea?**

“I’m not afraid,” Althea said aloud despite the desperate sound of blood pounding in her ears. Determined, she grabbed the glass door’s handle, and stepped inside, looked at the recruiter, who was tidying up for the evening and said, “I want to be a nurse. Where do I sign up?”

 

Chapter Thirteen

 

 

It was just past midnight on the eve of the wedding when Althea slipped virtually naked into Hanks’ room. She wasn’t surprised that he hadn’t bothered to lock the door, since nobody locked their doors on the bayou. Moonbeams from the huge gibbous moon hovering over the great pines spilled from the window, outlining her lithe silhouette as she glided to his bed. She knelt beside him, watching him sleep. His pale skin virtually glowed in the moonlight, his blond hair bleached silver, his eyelids dark against the lower lids.

Her heart beat loudly, so loudly in fact that she was certain the whole house could hear. She pulled her hair away from her face and tossed it over one shoulder. She hesitated for just a moment, leaned forward, and gently kissed him, her hair lightly brushing his cheek.

Hank woke with a start, his eyes wide and frightened.

“Children of the night,” Althea whispered with a false Transylvanian accent, “what music they make.”

“Althea? What are you doing here? And why are you quoting that awful movie?”

She placed her fingers on his lips and whispered, “This is your last chance. Make love to me, Hank. Now. Let’s wake up in each others arms as lovers should.”

“You know we can’t,” he hissed, appalled. “It’s a sin. Besides, Mr. Lindt is next door; your mother and aunt are upstairs. What if they hear? ”

“So what if they do?” She moved closer, her breasts grazing his bare chest. “It’s not like Mom will call the whole thing off because you took my virginity a day early. How could she, when she has so many plans for our happiness.”

“Althea, no.”

“Please,” she whispered. “In a few hours it’ll be dawn. We’ll have to get dressed and go to the church for that dreadful wedding. Tonight there’ll be a banquet in our honor. So a few short hours is not going to matter anyway.”

“It will to me,” Hank said swallowing hard.

“It’s because you’re a virgin too,” Althea said, sliding the straps of her gown down over her shoulders, exposing her breasts. “But we can take care of that.”

“I thought you wanted me to join the priesthood.”

“Did you talk to Father?”

“No.”

“Then you still intend to go through with this.”

“Yes. It’s my—”

“Your duty, yes, I know.”

“Please, Althie, go back to bed. Say your rosary or something.”

“I don’t want my rosary. I want you. I have wants, Hank. A boy I once knew told me that a man has needs. But a woman has desires. I want you to make love to me. Now. Here in the moonlight.”

“Althea, please.”

She straddled him, feeling his erection poking tentatively against his pajamas.

“Your mouth says no,” she said, moving her hips slowly in a circle, “but your body is begging for it.”

“Stop it,” Hank said, pushing her off. “Please. You’re being as sinful as Eve.”

“That’s the point.”

“Go to bed, Althea.”

“Not yet,
mon amour
,” Althea said, running her index finger along the smooth lines of his chest. “We’ll go to the church and when the time comes for me to say ‘do you take this man?’ I’ll say no.”

“You can’t do that,” Hank said, shocked. “You can’t show defiance in front of our families, in front of the priest. What would everyone say?”

“What? Do you think this is some kind of reflection on your manhood? Are you scared they’re gonna think I’m too much woman for you to handle? I know your daddy thinks so. In fact he’s just dying to take your place in the sack.”

“That’s a lie.”

“So what if it is? Apparently God approves of lies as long as the ends justify the means.”

“No, that’s not it at all,” Hank replied. “I just don’t want to see you make a fool out of yourself.”

“Oh, you can get all caveman like and drag me by the hair in front of the priest and maybe even twist my arm. But you know what? You still can’t make me say it. And neither can they.” She paused, placing her hand flat on his chest, feeling his heart thudding hard against her palm. “My family knows it, your family suspects it, and I’m sure the priest will be shocked by it, but I don’t care anymore.”

“Althea—”

“Remember when I told you I used to spend time at the church? Do you know what I was doing there?”

“Serving God?”

“No, I was reading. I spent a great deal of time in Sister Brigit’s library. Guess what I found there.”

“I have no idea.”

“Have you ever heard the story of Lilith?”

“No.”

“Lilith was Adam’s first wife. God created her equal to Adam, but you see, when it came time for Adam and Lilith to consummate their marriage, Lilith refused. Do you want to know why?”

“No.”

Althea leaned forward and whispered in Hank’s ear. “Because when Adam tried to make her submit to his will she said she would not. She left the Garden of Eden and never returned.”

“That’s not in the Bible.”

“Not in any part you’ve ever read, bub.”

“Althea, you’re being silly. Quit telling these blasphemous stories, and go to bed.”

“I’ve been thinking a lot about Lilith lately. About how she had the strength to say no. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to say no, especially to someone you love, don’t you think?”

“Please Althea.”

“I think that’s what I’ve been waiting for,” she said after several moments of consideration, “courage to say no and mean it. There’s been this pause in my life. Like the way late summer becomes so hushed and still, just before autumn comes. I’ve been the same way, I guess. All my life Mom has made decisions for me. But tomorrow will be different. I’ll be eighteen.” She smiled, her skin golden as she leaned against him, her lips nearly brushing his as she spoke.

“The worst thing my mother can do is throw me out of the house. And the worst thing the church can do is excommunicate me for disobedience. And I don’t give a damn about either. I’m going to do what I want with my life and that’s all there is to it.”

“You don’t know what you’re saying,” Hank whispered, mortified. “You’re panicking because of the wedding. You don’t have to be afraid, Althea. I’ll be a good husband, I promise.” He gently pushed her away. “God will forgive you of this blasphemy if you just go back to your room and pray. Please, do that. Everything will look better in the morning.”

“And so you really don’t want any of this?” she asked as the nightgown slid down to her waist.

“No, now please go back to bed.”

“It’s your loss,” she said, “because I wanted to give you this gift of myself before I go.”

“Go then,” Hank whispered, rolling onto his side. “You know fornication is a sin. We can wait until tomorrow night.”

Althea leaned forward again, strands of her hair brushing Hank’s cheek. She whispered into his ear. “You don’t get it. There’s not going to be a wedding, and the only thing you’re going to marry is the next sucker your parents palm off on you.”

“Althea, please.”

“Remember last week, before the rehearsal, when we walked to the movies, and I tried to get you to see Father then, but you hid behind duty and honor, justifying the ugly hypocrisy of this whole thing with Biblical nonsense? Remember how mad I was because you wouldn’t do the right thing and I left? Did you wonder where I went? Did you even care?”

“I figured you went somewhere to cool off,” Hank muttered into the pillow. “Maybe to a girl friend’s house or something...I don’t know.”

“I went to the army recruiter’s office and signed up. I joined the army, bucko. I’m going to become a nurse. And you, my friend, are going to be either a patsy for your folks who’ll pick out the next loser bride for you, or the priest you were destined to become.”

Startled, Hank sat up, nearly bumping Althea’s chin with the top of his head.

“You did what?”

“I said I joined the army,” she replied, scooting into his lap. “And these,” she added as she cupped her bare breasts, “are now property of Uncle Sam. But I want you to know that I do care for you a great deal. In some ways I might even love you, but I’m not letting anyone force me to do anything I don’t want to do, even if it means never speaking to my mother again.” Her voice caught. She swallowed hard, and then continued, “even if it means having to give up my religion. I am going to be free to decide what I am going to do with my life. And I’m giving you the opportunity to do the same. We can stand together on this tomorrow morning simply by agreeing to say no to Father before we go before the altar. So which is it, Hank? Do you want to make love to me or not?”

“Of course I do, but not like this. When we’re married.”

Althea blinked, stunned. She pulled her gown up and said, “you haven’t heard a word I said have you?”

“You’re just upset. You’ll never abandon your mother or the church,” Hank said evenly. He settled back down onto his pillow. “And if you did sign up, it won’t matter because you’re still seventeen. Besides, your mother can have that whole silly mess taken care of, just like my dad did for me. Now go to bed, say your prayers. I’m not supposed to see the bride until you walk down the aisle.”

Angry and hurt, Althea pulled up her gown and left his room. She closed the door behind her, and then leaned against it.
It’s done
, she thought, feeling strangely let down.
Done and over with. The only thing left to do is...

Leave before anyone wakes up.

Althea dressed, grabbed the packed knapsack she’d hidden under her bed and went outside. She sat on the veranda and watched as a meteor shower tossed red and gold sparks against the black vault of the sky. She felt frightened, yet elated, unfettered.

Althea thought about the itinerary the recruiter handed her. She would be expected to report to the recruiting station in Alexandria, where she would take her physical and swear her oath. She had a little money, enough to stay at the local Y before her induction, and something to eat on. It’d be sparing, she knew. She’d have to eat only two meals a day if that, and even that would not be much. But it was worth it, she was sure. It was just a little suffering for a lifetime of happiness.

In an hour the sun will be up and I’ll leave this shithole for good. Oh sure Mom will have kittens about it. I don’t care. I hope she has a whole damned litter.

She looked at the window, where, not more than a few feet away, her prospective husband slept.
Hank is a sweet boy, but he lives in his own little world of novenas and stained glass. Hank should leave that fantasy behind and step into the reality that’s waiting for him. But he won’t. He’s a coward. He’ll be standing at the church waiting on me, knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that I’ll come to him because that’s what’s expected of me. Of us. But I won’t be there. And he’ll have nobody to blame but himself. It’s not like I didn’t try to warn him.

Althea gazed up at the moon. Her mind turned back to Jake, who earlier that evening had crept up to the house after he was certain everyone had gone to bed. Althea was on the balcony when he stepped out of the darkness and into the soft glow of the gaslight; strangling a handful of weedy flowers he picked off the riverbank. He called for her to leave her balcony and join him on the lawn.

We’ll elope, he had told her, and go anywhere you want
.
The world, he said, would be their oyster.

Althea laughed at him, told him she hated oysters, and with a swish of her hair and skirts, went back inside, closing the white French doors behind her as she went
. How could I possibly want Jake, especially now that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’s a cad. He’s worse than Hank.

**
You are an exceedingly insightful young woman,**
Mr. Lindt’s voice entered her mind, jolting her out of her reverie
, ** when it comes to certain things, but foolish and impulsive when it comes to other matters. Like what you’re contemplating now, for instance. If you go through with what you’re planning, it’s going to cause a tremendous amount of heartache. Do you really want to make the people who love you so very much suffer?
**

“What else am I supposed to do, when nobody listens to me?” she said aloud. She turned around and saw Lindt standing in the doorway. “I thought you were asleep.”

“I never sleep,” he replied as he stepped across the threshold and sat down in his favorite spot on the veranda. “But you,” he added, “you can and you must. Tomorrow is the big day you know.”

“I’m not going.”

“Yes,” Lindt said, smiling. “Of course. You been planning this for a while now, haven’t you?”

Althea crossed her arms. “I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.”

“Playing coy doesn’t become you,” Lindt said, casually tapping a cigarette out of a pack and lighting up. He flicked off the excess ash and took another drag, then sighed.

“Your thoughts are bright and clear.” He tapped his head. “And you’ve been thinking about it for a while now. But I have to admit that I didn’t expect you to implement them quite like this.”

And what, exactly, is that?”

“Playing coy again?”

“I’m too old for games.”

Lindt looked at her, his eyes sparkling in the darkness.

“The knapsack is a dead giveaway. You’re planning on running away.”

“Now why in the world would I want to do that?”

“You said it yourself, Althea. Nobody will listen to you. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? You really don’t want the confrontation you know will result when you say no at the altar. You’d rather flee under the cover of darkness than to face your mother. That’s why you’re sitting out here, isn’t it? Thinking about fleeing to the bus stop before the household wakes? Living in the Y, living off milk and crackers until your induction, and praying nobody will find you in the meantime?”

Althea slumped. “I guess you’re right.”

“Of course, you know how much pain that would cause, especially to your mother. She’d be frantic, then heartbroken when she finally found you. You really don’t want to break her heart or frighten her, do you?”

“No,” she whispered.

“I know. You’re a good girl, Althea-Marie, even if
you
don’t think so. Not right now, at least.”

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