Authors: Leta Blake
His voice breaks.
But the asshole, he…well, Leith took an illegal blow to the back of his head.
Zach breaks off, and he covers his face with his hands, resting his elbows on the table. He looks at the screen again, his hands in his own hair.
It was so fast. The crowd was crazy. I was in the stands with our friends, and it took me so long to get through to the ring. Marvin, a fighter friend of Leith’s, had to help me. By the time I got there…
He lifts his hands and lets them fall.
Leith was already unconscious. I don’t remember a lot after that. The ambulance. The hospital. Don’t worry, my loves, he’s alive. I should’ve said that immediately, but…
He was in a coma, and I didn’t know if he was going to live or die. The doctors wouldn’t say anything
—
wouldn’t give us any kind of reassurance. Just said, “Wait and see,” and I had to sit there day and night looking at him, thinking that maybe it was all over. That I’d lost everything.
His face crumples.
I wasn’t there when he woke up. Arthur was with him. I should have been there
—
maybe if I had… Maybe if he’d seen me first thing, but no. No, that isn’t how it works. It wouldn’t have mattered. It’s unreal. It’s like something you see on TV, but it’s my
life
.
See, he’s suffering from retrograde amnesia. The good news is, in terms of that kind of thing, he’s not bad off. He’s only lost approximately three years of memories. The last three years. Yeah, that’s right. The three years that included me. He doesn’t remember anything from that time
—
he doesn’t remember me, or his prior girlfriends, or his father’s death.
Zach lapses into silence, looking at the ceiling and then down at his hands, his lips twisting.
I hear that he’s angry. Yes, that’s right, I haven’t seen him. It’s been over a week now that he’s been awake, and I’m being selfish. I should go see him. But I can’t.
He hangs his head and rubs his eyes.
What’s keeping me away from him? I bet most of you think you I’m an awful person that I’m not there with him to see him through this. I bet you’re thinking nothing could keep you away from the one you love. You’re right.
He lifts his head, and his eyes are wet.
I’m staying away because after he woke up they did some intake psych tests, and guess what?
He doesn’t remember me
. Or even remember being bi. Can you believe it? He identified himself as straight. Without qualification, or hesitation, and didn’t budge when gently questioned. Arthur told me. He was flabbergasted, and asked how I wanted him to deal with it. What I wanted him to say to Leith.
Tears run down his cheeks.
I can’t…it’s too much. No, no, you have to understand me. It’s insane. In his mind, I’ve never touched him at all. I’ve never even existed. All that we had and were is just gone. Poof. Like it never happened at all.
So I told Arthur not to tell him yet, and the doctor said it was fine to wait since presenting him with information from his past won’t affect his ability to retrieve his lost memories. They’ll either return or not, and nothing we tell him about his past will change that. The doctor says we’ll have to tell Leith the truth before we release him since everyone in his life will know about us, but… I said I wanted him to have a chance to know me again first, so it’s not such a shock. Arthur pointed out that of course I have to go
see
Leith first for that to happen, but…
He shakes his head, sniffling.
Holy shit, guys. I’m scared. I’ve never been so scared in my entire life, and I need him now. I need him more than I’ve ever needed him. And he’s not here anymore. He’s gone. Probably forever.
Forever!
What will I do? How can I go see him only to have him look at me and…and…
Zach sobs and he covers his face again. Eventually, he wipes at his eyes and clears his throat.
I’m sorry. I just wanted you to know what was happening. I don’t know when I’ll make another vlog post. I probably shouldn’t unload all of this on strangers, but somehow it’s easier than talking to my friends right now. But don’t worry about me.
He smiles with false bravado.
I’ll be fine. No matter what. And he’ll be fine too. I’ll see him soon
—
tomorrow maybe. I’ll be brave, and I’ll face the truth. I will, and then…we’ll see.
His smile falters.
I just…I can’t…
I love him.
The girl in the photo was beautiful, with dark hair and hazel eyes, but she looked sad, even though she was smiling. “Were we happy?” Leith asked Zach.
After sitting stiffly in the chair and barely meeting Leith’s eyes for the first ten minutes of his visit, Zach had kicked off his shoes, and sat opposite him, cross-legged on Leith’s narrow hospital bed. The small box of photos rested between them.
He looked up at Leith, his eyes lit with something bright and hopeful, but then the light faded. “You and Naomi?”
“Yes,” Leith replied, but he was distracted. He didn’t know why, but he really liked the yellow polo shirt Zach was wearing. There was something compelling about it
—
not quite familiar, but like a stimulus that he recognized and somehow missed. He had a strange urge to reach out and feel the fabric.
“Did you used to wear that shirt a lot?” Leith asked, distracted from his original question by Zach’s sober expression, and the yellow shirt again.
“No.”
Zach sounded wounded, but Leith had no idea why. It was something that seemed to happen every few minutes, and Leith hated it. But he also liked having Zach around. It all left him feeling in need of a nap.
Zach said, “It’s new. Janelle
—
my cousin
—
she bought it for me.”
“Was it your birthday?”
“No. She was trying to butter me up for a favor.”
“Did she get it?”
“No. I’m afraid she’s in over her head again, and I’m not going to bail her out every time she gets into trouble.”
“Maybe you should give her a break. Sometimes people make mistakes,” Leith said, thinking of his father’s devastating gambling habit and his own two years in prison.
“Leith, you…well, perhaps hate is a strong word…but you deeply dislike Janelle.”
“I do?”
“Yes, you truly do.”
“Why?”
“Because she stole four thousand dollars from me and she’s never paid it back. You wanted me to turn her in.”
“Why didn’t you?”
Zach’s lips twisted a little and he shrugged. “She’s my cousin. I keep thinking she’ll turn it around and be a better person.”
“Well, maybe she will.”
Zach smiled a little. “God, I wish I could play back what you just said to you five months ago. You were hell bent on me calling the police then.”
Leith considered. He must have had a good reason to want to turn the girl in, especially since he knew firsthand what it was like to get in trouble with the law. Maybe he shouldn’t disagree with his old self too much. He rubbed his forehead, a small headache starting.
Frowning a little, Zach turned back to the stack of photos, pulling out another of Naomi. “You guys were dating when I first met you, but I don’t know much about her.”
Leith didn’t look at the photo. His eyes were drawn back to the line of skin above the collar of Zach’s shirt. “Even if I don’t like your cousin, I like her taste in shirts. It suits you…and it looks soft. Can I touch it?”
Zach dropped the photo. Leith waited for an answer, aware of the dust motes circling Zach’s head, and the shimmer of the fragile skin of Zach’s eyelids when he blinked.
“Sure.”
Leith’s stomach uncurled a little. He hadn’t even realized he was holding his breath waiting for Zach’s answer. Leith had no idea why he needed to feel the fabric beneath his fingers, but it felt important, key even, to finding some missing memory.
Leith reached out and stopped just short of skimming his fingers along the edge of Zach’s collar, right next to that skin that looked like it would be soft and warm to touch. What was he doing? That was bizarre, and overly intimate.
He dropped his hand, deciding to take up the hem, but froze when he realized his fingers were mere inches from Zach’s crotch. Finally he clapped his hand on Zach’s shoulder in a manly gesture and smoothed his fingers over the fabric. It was soft, yes, but nothing happened. There was nothing in his mind that hadn’t been there before.
The sensation of Zach’s shoulder under his palm was strangely
good
. Zach held very still while Leith touched him, and the way Leith’s eyes kept falling back to that sweet-looking spot on Zach’s neck was distracting. And the fact that his cock was definitely a little heavier than it had been before he noticed these things was really fucking
weird
.
Leith cleared his throat and dropped his hand. “I don’t know what that was about,” he said, shaking his head. “Sometimes I just do stupid things now. Sorry. I hope that wasn’t strange for you.”
“Of course not. You can touch me whenever you want.”
The sudden urge to kiss Zach’s neck was insane. Leith took a shaky breath. “Did we used to, um, touch a lot?”
His fingers twisting together, Zach stared at his hands. “We were very close friends. Very comfortable with each other,” He cleared his throat. “Do you want to see more photos, or should I pack these up?”
Leith picked up the second photo of the girl called Naomi. “She was my girlfriend?” She was certainly a sexy woman. It was odd that he wasn’t more intrigued by the thought that he’d probably slept with her.
“Mm-hmm,” Zach murmured, looking at the photo too. “Here, there’s a better one of you two in here somewhere; one where you’re both laughing.”
Leith looked at the photo of him and Naomi. He zeroed in on his own face. He was indeed laughing, and his arm was slung around Naomi’s slender shoulders. It could have been two strangers in the picture. There was nothing there inside him. “Was she nice?”
“Yeah. Like I said, I never knew her well, but Naomi was cool. Very smart. Funny. I liked her.”
“Why did we break up?”
Zach hitched a shoulder and riffled through the box. “You weren’t right for each other, I guess.”
Leith picked up a photo of himself goofing around with Ava. Her chest was flushed, and he had his arm around her neck, his fingers grazing her cleavage. He felt a bit of a stirring when he considered that. Yes, that was more like it. “It looks like I’m good friends with Ava. Did we ever…?”
“You and Ava?” Zach’s eyebrows shot up. “No. Definitely not.”
“Why? Does she have a boyfriend?”
Zach took the photo from his hands and put it aside. “She’s not your type.”
Leith laughed a little. “Why? She’s cute, she’s nice, and she’s available, right? How is that not my type?”
Rubbing his eyes with his fingertips, Zach let out a slow breath. “Because she’s your friend. That’s all.”
“Are you sure?” He picked up the photo again. “I’m practically feeling her up here.”
Zach’s eyes flashed as he hopped off the bed. “There are names on the back of the photos, so you should be able to figure out who’s in them without my help.”
“But I won’t know who they were to me…” Leith said, trailing off as Zach turned his back.
“I’m sorry, but I totally forgot about this thing I have to do. I really should go.”
Leith watched in confusion as Zach bustled around putting on his shoes and grabbing his coat. There was something else that Leith was missing. He reviewed the last bit of their conversation. He’d said
something
wrong again, and it was about Ava, but not about Ava. It was about Ava being his type.
“Wait!” Leith climbed out of the bed and blocked the door. “Is Ava
your
type? Is that why I didn’t date her?”
Zach shook his head, obviously bewildered. “No, Leith. Where is this coming from? Ava and I are friends, and you and Ava are friends, and nothing would have changed that. Marian and Ava, though? Are not friends. They’re lovers.”
“Really?” Leith pondered it. “We live with lesbians?”
Zach looked flustered again. With his hands waving around, he said, “Exactly. You and Ava are like brother and sister, and that’s all there is to it.” He was almost shouting.
“How was I supposed to know that?” His jaw clenching, Leith snapped, “Why didn’t you just tell me? I don’t fucking remember! Remember?”
Zach opened his mouth, eyes blazing, and then pressed his lips together, his shoulders slumping. He swallowed hard. “I’m sorry.”
Leith sighed. “No, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be an asshole. I just…I feel like something’s missing. I don’t know how to explain it. But I
know
the most important part of understanding myself is right there out of reach, and I keep thinking that any second now it’s all going to fall into place. But it doesn’t.”
Zach’s face softened, and he stepped forward, putting his hand against Leith’s cheek. It was big and warm, and Leith closed his eyes and leaned into it.
“Hey, hey,” Zach murmured. “It’s all right, Leith. I’m sorry
—
I should have just answered your questions instead of making you guess. Listen, even if you never get your memories of the last few years back, I have no doubt that the man you are inside is more than enough to build a beautiful life
—
with whomever you want, and however you want.”