The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child (16 page)

Two common problems innies have is taking on too much responsibility and easily feeling guilty, even for things that aren’t their fault or over which they have no control. I don’t know how
many innies have told me that if a teacher reported that an item was missing from the classroom they would feel guilty—while knowing full well that they didn’t take it. This is another reason to be thoughtful and delicate with your discipline.

Keep an eye out for your innie taking too much responsibility for an accident, for instance. If she becomes guilt-ridden about a mishap, she may not be able to let herself off the hook without your help. For instance, if she accidentally stepped on her dog’s foot, she may be very upset and angry with herself. She doesn’t need more harsh words or any discipline. She will be more careful in the future. If a child isn’t remorseful or upset when he or she hurts a pet or another child, then you need to apply some discipline. Set limits that will guide your child, not necessarily constrain or discourage her. It can be a delicate balance.

Built-in Stop Signs

Since innies are naturally inhibited and can imagine the future consequences of their actions, they are often reluctant to engage in destructive behaviors like driving fast, shoplifting, or other illegal activities. This is a good thing. They also feel uncomfortable with too many “jolt juice” chemicals released by risky behavior surging through their veins. Outies don’t have the same built-in stop signs, and they enjoy the surging of those exciting chemicals. This is why they may not give a second thought to doing something daring, or, on the far end, even illegal. So although the downside of innies’ behavior might be too much compliance, the upside is that they are actually more sensible than extroverts about risky behavior. Innies with good self-esteem who have heard more encouraging than critical words are more likely to conform when appropriate—a quality in short supply in today’s world—and to stand up for themselves when necessary. They can follow award-winning actress Helen Hunt’s example; she refers to herself as a “daring introvert.” She says she may hang back at times, but she uses her chutzpah when she needs to leave her comfort zone behind.

Remember that trusting relationships are central to building an introverted child’s self-confidence. Unless he learns that relationships are valuable and enjoyable, an introverted child may tend to stay in his shell. A sure way to end up with an overly shy and/or insecure introverted child is to treat him harshly—and that includes disciplining him too harshly. Physical punishment or other demeaning means of punishment teach children that aggression solves problems. Every child development study out there shows that hitting, shaming, spanking, teasing, or comparing children are poisonous to their growth. Moreover, that kind of discipline doesn’t even work. Parenting is tough; everyone gets testy at times. But if you often have trouble with your temper, read up on the topic and consider taking an anger management course.

Controlling vs. Cooperating

Many parents think they need to have power and control over a child’s behavior. They may not be conscious of this, but power and control wears many guises: blaming, commanding, lecturing, making comparisons, using sarcasm, acting the martyr, and making threats.

The opposite of control is cooperation, where both parent and child drop their claim on power and control. The best way for a parent to win a child’s cooperation is to send him the message that he is capable. Cooperating with the family reinforces that sense of competence. This, in turn, builds self-esteem and confidence in his ability to contribute and deal with others.

Even when you know the value of cooperation and the futility of trying to control a child, it’s still difficult not to get drawn into a power match. First of all, children are hardwired to flex their autonomy muscles at certain ages. We all know about the “terrible twos,” but four and a half is a less well-known flexing period. Also, ages six, eight, thirteen, and seventeen will truly test your parenting skills. In phases like these in particular, struggles for control flare up quite easily. And while the introverted child may
seem
mild-mannered, he likes to do things
his
way. It’s that old, defiant drummer he’s marching to. He’s
also more likely to become recalcitrant when he feels helpless, overwhelmed, angry, or frightened. However, it takes two to tangle. As the parent, you can learn not to take the bait.

How to Keep Above the Fray

•
Remember that you are the adult
. Even if you don’t feel like it, take yourself out of the power struggle. Stop arguing. If a power struggle has developed, it means you aren’t acknowledging your child’s feelings and viewpoint. Step back and take a deep breath. Think about what is going on and ask, “Why are we deadlocked?”

•
Cool off
. Take another deep breath and look at the big picture. Ask yourself, “Why can’t I let go?” Your child is depending on you to keep a level head.

•
Think about your next move
. Focus on what you will do, not on what you are trying to get your child to do.

•
Put what’s happening in perspective
. “I know you are mad and frustrated, but I’m sorry—there’s no more dessert tonight. Hey, but guess what? Tomorrow after dinner—another dessert!”

Making the Switch to Cooperation

•
Articulate the problem
. “We can’t seem to get out of the door on time in the morning. The result is that I’m cranky and you are late for school and upset.”

•
Ask your innie to help find solutions
. “What do you think are some possible ways to speed things up? Let’s see what we might be able to do.” If he can’t come up with any suggestions, prompt him with some of your ideas. In this instance they might include getting up earlier, laying out clothes ahead of time, fixing lunch and breakfast the night before, and not turning on the TV in the morning.

•
Evaluate how things are going in a few days
. Make it clear that you’re in this together.

•
Send your innie a note
. “Hey, I think we’re doing better. We were on time three days in a row!”

Mastering (Innie-Style) Meltdowns

“
Children aren’t happy with nothing to ignore, and that’s what parents were created for.” —Ogden Nash

All children go through certain ages (like “the terrible twos”) and stages (growth spurts) where they melt down more easily than at other times. Around the age of four or five, many innies who have been easy, even as two-year-olds, start to have stronger and more clear-cut wants that should be addressed. At that point, they may try begging, whining, withdrawing, and refusing to speak to you when things don’t go their way. Then there are just plain bad days. Your child doesn’t feel well, he wants his way, he feels backed into a corner, or he is flooded with feelings … and the result is a full-fledged temper tantrum. Outies tend to externalize, and blame or get angry with someone—probably most often a parent—for their troubles. Innies tend to
in
ternalize, so they’re more likely to withdraw, go limp, or tune you out rather than pitch a fit—but it can happen.

These are the moments that try parents’ souls. When a child is in the throes of a tantrum, it seems that anything you do or say simply escalates the crisis. When tempers flare, take a little break—a kind of momentary time-out to calm yourself. Then you can put on your sleuthing hat and try to pin down the culprit. Innies are most likely to succumb to flare-ups when they are overscheduled, overstimulated, tired, or hungry. Ask yourself, was something too much (i.e., too much visual “stim,” too many people around, too much change, too much sugar)? Was something too little (i.e., too little rest, low blood sugar, not enough recharging time)? Acknowledge your child’s feelings. You can say, “I know you want that toy, but I’m not going to buy it.” No excuses, exceptions, or explanations. Only offer alternatives
after
he calms down. Take a few deep breaths. This too shall pass. Yes, your child will grow up.

If you have been out and about for a while and your innie is bored, tired, hungry, hot/cold, overwhelmed by stimuli, or feeling confined, she may start squirming, fussing, demanding toys or a snack, or whining in an ear-splitting pitch. Of course it’s best not to let things get that far, but now that it has, your best bet is distraction. Make a silly face, sing a song, point out something of interest with great enthusiasm. If at all possible, leave, especially if you’re in a noisy, public place. Keep focused on your child and ignore any prying, disapproving stares. Calm your own temper and jettison any embarrassment you may feel. Every parent has dealt with a fussy child. Next time, stop conflagrations before they happen by anticipating how long your child can shop, walk without a stroller, or go without eating, and plan your outing accordingly.

Big-Kid Attitude

Older innies can present their own special brand of meltdowns. Sometimes innies have been easy children, and when their hormones start surging it’s a shock. It may seem like some moody alien has invaded your formerly sweet child’s body. Where did your cutiepie go? It can be quite a loss. Your tween begins to give you what I called my daughter’s “fish eye” (a cold stare), sulk, stop speaking to you, give you clipped one-word responses in an irritated tone, roll her eyes behind your back, and get a “tude” (that’s a bad attitude, for the uninitiated). Charming …

Luckily, I have lived long enough to see my formerly fish-eyed daughter get the same cold stare from her own tween. Choose which battles to take on as your innie teen goes through these irritating stages. Remember that finding parents “oh so annoying, stupid, silly, and dumb” has a purpose. Tweens and teens are preparing for their scary upcoming leap from the nest. It helps them to leave if they can knock you off your pedestal. They are trying to achieve autonomy and independence. But it’s also okay to say, “Hey, cool your jets.” “Rewind that response and spit out a friendlier one.” “Go back into your room and come out when
the ’tude is gone.” A sense of humor is your best ally during these stages.

I am now working with a very sulky introverted teen named Rachael. Her mother has reacted to normal “teen-tude” by becoming hurt and angry. “She was such a sweet child,” her mom says wistfully. So now Rachael, driven by normal growing pains, has dug in her heels. The battle for autonomy is on, and so far, Rachael is winning. She’s very withdrawn. She’s rude to her mother. She stares at me with cold eyes. I have encouraged her mom not to take her daughter’s budding independence personally. It doesn’t mean she hasn’t been a good parent—in fact, the opposite. Rachael is showing normal behavior for a teen. I have talked to Rachael about her feelings—they are normal. It’s developmentally correct that she’s sick of her parents. The positive result of acknowledging these feelings is that mother and daughter are getting along much better.

The Heart of the Matter

•
Innies flourish in a home that is safe, structured, and predictable
.

•
Routine increases your innie’s ability to conserve and reserve his energy
.

•
Inviting innies to cooperate promotes self-competence
.

CHAPTER 6
Play, Conversation, and the Art of Relaxation

Encourage Daily Chats, Creative Play, Decision-Making Steps, and Stress-Busting Skills

“
Perhaps imagination is only intelligence having fun.” —George Scialabba

Sometimes adults see play as frivolous—what your child does
after
he finishes his homework, music lessons, and his other scheduled activities. But play is the
work
of childhood. Play is how kids learn, reduce stress, explore, imagine, and try out roles and social behaviors. Contemporary American culture devalues play and overvalues achievement in children. So many children today aren’t getting enough authentic, unstructured play with parents and friends. Real play—in my book, anyway—involves dirt, water, trees, parks, playgrounds, paints, stacking blocks, and pretending. Play is the freedom to build and create, to ask “What if …?” and to act “as if” in a kid-safe environment.

With their rich interior lives, innies in particular need the roominess play provides to practice interacting with things, people, and
new concepts before they use them in the real world. Through play innies can test out their ideas, expand their language skills, work out emotional conflicts, practice new social behaviors, and learn to solve problems. For innies’ play is usually a low-fuel-consuming activity that gives them “hap hits.” It teaches innies that interacting with the outside world is fun, while allowing them to soothe themselves with comforting, predictable rituals they create themselves. Innies concentrate and become fully engaged in their play so they tend to learn a great deal from it.

Best Bets for Playing

Appropriate play is crucial to brain development. By nature, right-brained innies may be particularly playful, but all children’s brains develop through play. Innies need substantial mind food, not empty calories—they need
enriching
play. Leading brain researcher Antonio Demasio has expressed concern about the fact that we are raising children with faster and faster-thinking left brains without integrating the emotional and moral centers in the right brain. As a result, the logical left brain is overused, and the more associative right brain is underused. Many children today are playing fast-paced, aggressive, goal-oriented electronic games on their Game Boys, computers, or TVs, along with other battery-operated toys with built-in responses. Such games and toys require no human interaction and little imagination. Studies show that dopamine overstimulation in the left brain builds rigid brain pathways that teach kids to expect quick rewards and zaps of powerful “hap hits.” This increases impulsiveness. It also trains children to go for the quick source of stimulation and satisfaction rather than attempt anything where the rewards come more slowly. (For more on how to manage video games, see
page 121
.)