Read Shattering Inside Online

Authors: Lisa Ahne

Tags: #drama, #rape, #abuse, #dramatic fiction, #healing from trauma

Shattering Inside (2 page)

He finally stood and dusted off his dark
brown corduroy pants. He said it was a pleasure to meet her and
that he would see her around. With a wave he sauntered off toward
the student union. She sat and watched him go with a weird feeling
of being let down.

The next time she saw him was two days later.
She was sitting alone at a chair next to a floor to ceiling window
in the library. She was reading a mystery novel and debating pizza
or a burger for dinner when he tapped on her shoulder. Sarah was
surprised at the blatant sense of joy she felt at the sight of his
unkempt hair and bright eyes smiling at her. He had such a handsome
face. He looked like what she thought an intellect should look
like. He wore a lot of earth tones and at that moment he wore a tan
wool cardigan over a forest green pull over shirt. He had the
rumpled look of a guy who spent hours sitting and either reading or
writing. She recalled from their earlier meeting that he wanted to
be a journalist.

“Sarah, my roommate’s theater friends have
about half a dozen pizzas in the theater green room. They are
painting the set tonight and need all the help they can get.” He
said. “He just texted me, so I was heading that way. I saw you here
and thought you might want to hang out. Are you up for it? It might
be fun and there’s free food.”

She told herself to turn him down. She found
herself smiling back and gathering her things. What could it hurt?
It might be fun to help out. It wasn’t because his dimples were
deep when he smiled. It wasn’t because he smelled good and told
funny jokes. She had been thinking for a while about checking out
the theater department.

He was persistent but patient. She found
herself spending more and more time with him. Sometimes they just
sat and chatted. Other times they joined in whatever activity the
theater group had going. He kept the conversation light and fun. It
was more of a buddy relationship at first. He didn’t flirt. He kept
things easy. And before long, he broke through the wall she had
built around herself to the scared little girl inside. He quickly
became her best friend. She did not tell him about Jeffrey. She
didn’t want to lose his friendship. She didn’t want to lose him.
She was starting to need him as more than a friend.

One day he met her as she came out of her
afternoon biology class and asked if she had time for a chat. He
told her he wanted all of his cards on the table. He liked her.
Maybe more than liked her. He wanted to take her out and see if
they had more than friendship between them.

“Sarah, I know you hold back. I don’t know
why, but I see it. You don’t want to get close to anyone,” he said,
“But I believe there is something here. I won’t push you. I’m here
for you whether you want to date or not. I just think we are not
being fair to ourselves if we don’t admit there are feelings here.
Not friendly feelings. Deeper.”

He sighed and rubbed a hand over his
face.

“I know I am babbling. Say something.”

“I like you also. I don’t want to lose our
friendship, Drew.”

His gaze dropped to his feet.

“So, that’s a no then?”

“I would love to go out with you.”

His smile made her wish he had asked a lot
sooner.

He was so wonderful. She loved to look at him
and touch him. When he hugged her, she felt safe. The first time he
kissed her she wasn’t afraid. It thrilled her. He was everything
she had ever prayed for. Everything she had ever thought that she
needed. He was her dream. He made her feel things that were alien
to her. He made her want him when everyone else made her want to
hide.

They had been dating for almost six months
when he asked her to marry him. They were both still in school, but
they decided that being married and in school should not be any
different than if they had roommates off campus. They were so
anxious to be together and so sure everything would work out
fine.

Jeffrey was far from Sarah’s mind. She still
hadn’t told Drew and really saw no reason to. Why should he know?
What purpose would there be in bringing the past to the present?
She just wanted so badly to pretend it never happened.

She could still see him in his tuxedo on
their wedding day. As she walked down the aisle to him, tears were
shining in his eyes. He loved her. She couldn’t believe that he
really loved her. Lord knew she adored him. She wanted to give him
everything, just as he’d given her. That day she vowed to do just
that.

The nightmares had been dormant for a few
years by that point. However, on her wedding night they began
again. At first everything was fine. Wonderful. She never knew that
anyone could make her feel the things he made her feel. No one ever
had before, and she knew no one but he ever would. His touch
inflamed fires in her that she had not even known were dormant. His
smell, his taste, his warmth filled her up. He calmed the
restlessness in her, and for just a little while, he made her
forget. He met the driving need inside of her with a powerful need
of his own.

She loved making love with her husband. She
knew that it could so easily become a craving to her. But after it
was over, the weight inside became too much to bear. Shame engulfed
her like an overpowering physical pain. She felt dirty and used and
so deeply ashamed. She felt like she had done something terribly
wrong, husband or not. She wanted to cover her nakedness and hide
from everyone, including her husband. Especially her husband.

Nausea made her stomach churn, and she leapt
from the bed and ran to the bathroom. Kneeling helplessly, she lost
her wedding cake and dinner down the toilet while Drew looked on in
shocked hurt. She knew he thought it was something he had done, and
she let him think it. She couldn’t stand to tell him the real
reason why. She stood on shaky legs and, without a word, brushed by
him and walked back to the rumpled bed. He stood speechless for a
moment. Then he slowly followed her back. She laid carefully on her
side, not looking at his hurt face, her back turned to him. She
struggled to stop the weak trembling in her limbs. He got in bed
beside her, still silent. He touched her shoulder once, but she
jerked away from the contact.

She willed herself to go to sleep. Finally,
she dropped into a fitful slumber. She woke up screaming at around
2 am from an all too familiar nightmare. Drew had held her close
and rocked her gently until her tears had subsided. Although he
didn’t understand, he did not pressure her with questions. She
couldn’t hide it any longer. She told him everything. She held
nothing back. She told him every last perverted detail.

It was the first time she’d ever said it out
loud. The words stuck in her throat. How could she tell him? He
would hate her? Then she said the words she knew would disgust
him.

“Sometimes I liked it,” she whispered, “Isn’t
that awful? I couldn’t help it. There were times when he didn’t
hurt me…when he did other things. Do you hate me?”

She had thought that he would turn his back
on her in contempt, but he didn’t. He held her tighter and spoke
softly in her ear. “I could never hate you,” he said, “I don’t know
how to ever stop loving you. You were just a child. You couldn’t
help how your body reacted. It was normal for you to feel
something. He was wrong, honey. He manipulated you.”

“But I felt ashamed.”

“I know”, he said, “I know, but it was his
shame, baby. Not yours. It was his shame.”

In that moment her love for him doubled. How
could he love her when she had such a hard time loving herself? He
encouraged her to get counseling. He was right there when she
needed him. Nothing changed for a while, but eventually she started
to heal. She thought that she was getting better. She thought she
would finally be able to live a normal life. She was finally happy.
She really thought that everything was going to be okay. She was a
fool. She would never be okay. Jeffrey made sure of that.

Coming out of the fog of her thought, she
noticed that the day had slipped into night. Darkness, like her
thoughts, enveloped her and everything around her. Rain poured down
and she was drenched. She shook her head in disgust. Today was
supposed to be so special.

She and Drew had been as giddy as children
all day. After nearly three years of marriage, they had an amazing
announcement to make. They were spending the day with her parents
and planned to reveal their surprise during lunch. Her eyes never
left her mother’s face when she told her she would soon be a
grandma. They had cried with joy together while her father and Drew
beamed in pure male pride.

Then, with one phone call, the day had been
shattered. Her peace had been shattered. Her father grimly relayed
the news. Jeffrey had been out of jail for years. They knew that,
but they didn’t know his whereabouts. Daddy wanted to make sure
Jeffrey never came back, so he had a private investigator track his
moves.

Sarah was shocked. All this time her father
had been paying a detective to track and monitor Jeffrey? She could
hardly wrap her mind around that information when Daddy dropped
another bomb.

Jeffrey’s body had found in a small motel in
Virginia the day before. He’d written a long drawn out letter
claiming his remorse and undying love for her. Then he had put a
gun inside his mouth and eaten a bullet.

The shaking began in her hands. The trembling
lodged in her stomach. Dead. Jeffrey’s dead. There had been times
she had prayed he would die. There had been moments of hatred so
intense she wanted to hunt him down herself. Now he was gone. Not
just out of sight, rarely out of mind, like he had been all these
years.

It was a planet…a reality…where Jeffrey no
longer existed. She could not get her head around it. And what
shocked her more than anything else was the grief and sadness she
felt at the news. There was no relief. There was no joy or triumph.
There was no freedom. There was only sadness.

It was a wasted life. It was year after year
of wasted opportunity for redemption. Even at the end he had chosen
to hurt instead of heal. Even at the end he had not called out to
God for forgiveness. He had still blamed his evil on some twisted
feeling he wrongly called love for her. It made her sick. It made
her livid.

The call had come at around five, and she ran
from the house in a rage. Jumping in her car, she had torn from the
drive only to end up where she now was.

Just then the beam of headlights sliced
through the night and rain. The car stopped beside hers, but the
headlights stayed on. The car door slammed, and she could see the
long silhouette of her husband in front of the light when she
turned and stood. She watched him slowly approach.

“Sarah, thank God. What are you doing here?”
he asked, oh so softly. “Are you alright? Your parents and I have
been worried sick.”

“I’m sorry. I’ve just been thinking.”

She turned her back to him once again and
sank to her knees in the wet grass. He came to where she was and
knelt behind her. She could hear his deep breathing.

“Jeffrey?”

“Yes.”

He wrapped his arms around her and held her
as tight as he could without hurting her. He wanted to absorb her
into himself, to shield her from the ugliness that was inside of
her, but that was the problem. How could he protect her from what
was inside? How could they fight this? The guy was gone. This was
not about the monster who had abused her. This was about the
monster inside of her. Tearing her from the inside out.

“He can’t hurt you anymore. Can’t you see
that?” he whispered through the lump in his throat, “You’ll get
through this. I promise. I promise. You’re going to be okay. Do you
understand that? Do you?”

“Yes. I know.” She said, her voice growing
stronger, “I’m going to be okay. I’m going to be okay, Drew.”

 

 

 

The End

 

 

 

 

 

Sparrow

By

Lisa Ahne

 

Sometimes I feel a void deep within me.

I search to find this thing missing in my
heart.

Still you walk.

You walk beside me.

You never seem to mind that I’m wishing on a
star

Take my hand.

Whisper softer.

Can’t you see the restlessness in me?

I’m beautiful.

So you tell me.

I have a right to go on singing if I
want.

I’m a handful.

When you hold me.

But I never fly away when you don’t.

I know you fight to understand me.

You never know just what to expect.

There are fears locked inside me.

Will I ever be a woman I respect?

Take my hand.

Hold me tighter.

You can soothe the restlessness in me.

I’m beautiful.

So you tell me.

I have a right to go on dancing if I
want.

I’m a handful.

When you hold me.

But I never fly away when you don’t.

Peace and joy.

Love and laughter.

At night I thirst for more.

I still believe in happy ever after.

It’s all I’m thirsting for.

I’m beautiful.

So you tell me.

I have a right to go on living if I want.

I’m a handful.

When you hold me.

But I never fly away when you don’t.

I won’t fly away if you won’t.

 

---End---

 

Other books

Cappuccino Twist by Anisa Claire West
Splintered by A. G. Howard
The Kill Clause by Gregg Hurwitz
French Roast by Ava Miles
Decoding Love by Andrew Trees
Death by Sheer Torture by Robert Barnard
Forever Love (Arabesque) by Norfleet, Celeste O.


readsbookonline.com Copyright 2016 - 2024