Authors: Tina Donahue
Zach’s jaw tightened.
Toni’s own confusion and horror returned so viciously, she
got nauseous. Swallowing the salty fluid at the base of her throat, she spoke
again, her voice agonized. “I pushed him away, but he kept coming at me.
Finally, I screamed for him to stop. I punched his chest. I told him I was
going to tell my mom.”
Tell anyone you want,
he’d said, his remembered voice
assaulting Toni’s mind, his tone amused, the smile on his face mean.
No one
will believe you. You’re just a stupid kid. I’m a decorated cop.
Bringing her shoulders to her ears, she continued, “He told
me if I said anything to anyone, he’d see to it that I paid. He could easily
convince any court that I was an out-of-control kid. He could have me locked
away until I was twenty-one. He warned that I better do exactly what he wanted
or he’d make my life a living hell.”
Shivering at the memory, Toni tightened her arms around
herself. “After his threat, he smiled like nothing had happened and left. I
didn’t know what to do. What he’d done and said seemed surreal, so different
than how he’d acted before, I wondered if I’d imagined it. When my mom came
home, I didn’t tell her anything. I wasn’t certain how to begin or how she’d
react.
“Weeks passed. School was over for the year. During that
time, Joe only came by when my mom was there. He acted like nothing had
happened. He behaved as he had before. I started to relax, thinking maybe I had
overreacted, maybe he hadn’t said the things he did.”
Her breath caught. She struggled to fill her lungs. Zach
stepped closer, then immediately retreated the same distance, his expression
saying he didn’t know what to do.
His indecision, his worry over adding to her distress made
Toni love him even more. A foolish and useless reaction, just like her hope
that her mother would someday want her. As her memories persisted, she
continued, “Two months after he’d tried to kiss me, he showed up at the house
again when my mother was gone, using the key she’d given him. I was in the
shower and hadn’t heard him come inside. When I opened the bathroom door,
wearing only a towel, he was in the hall with his shirt off.”
The recollection wrenched a low moan from Toni, a sound of
feral pain. “I slammed the door and turned the lock. He laughed—this low nasty
sound. He said I was far too modest. That he’d show me what a real man could
do, how he could make me come so hard I wouldn’t be able to get enough of it.”
Gaze turned inward, Toni relived what happened next, her
voice scared, whispery. “I sank to the floor, huddling against the wall with my
knees to my chest and my hands over my ears, but I could still hear him. He
told me he’d asked my mom to marry him and she’d said yes. In a few months,
he’d be living in the same house, that I wouldn’t be able to get away from him
then.
“I kept crying. To keep him from hearing me, I pressed my
face into my shoulder. Finally, he got really pissed and ordered me to come
out. If I didn’t, he said he’d tell my mom I came on to him. That she’d believe
him over me. That no one—not the cops, court or anyone else—would take my word
over his. He said I could make it easy on myself and have a good time or he’d
do everything in his power to hurt me.”
Zach’s fists tightened, blanching his fingers. His chest
heaved with his strained breaths.
Swallowing, Toni continued on a shaky sigh. “When he finally
stopped talking, I wasn’t certain if he’d left or if he was waiting for me in
the hall. I stayed in the bath for hours, too afraid to say anything or come
out. It was only when I heard the front door slam and my mom’s voice that I ran
downstairs, sobbing.”
At the awful pictures playing in her mind, Toni squeezed her
eyes tight. She tried to stop crying, but couldn’t. “I told my mother what Joe
had done and begged her not to marry him. When she didn’t say anything, I told
her how he’d kissed me a few weeks back and felt me up, warning me what would
happen if I told her or anyone else.”
Toni’s lids squeezed tighter. She pulled her arms into herself.
“While I was still talking, she slapped my face. She called me a liar. I backed
away from her, but she grabbed my arm and hit me again, accusing me of having
stolen my father from her and that I was doing the same thing with Joe, wanting
to ruin her happiness. She said Joe had already told her he’d caught me with
drugs and that I was getting out of control.
“I tried to tell her it was all lies, that I’d never taken
any drugs. I hadn’t even had any booze with my friends, but she wouldn’t listen
to me. She said Joe had shown her the drugs he’d found in my knapsack. Because
he loved her, he promised not to turn me in. We’d have a talk instead and he’d
straighten me out. She said it obviously hadn’t worked and that the drugs were
making me lie and say these terrible things about him. She told me I deserved
to be in juvy hall and that if I didn’t get out of her house, she’d call the
authorities herself.”
Toni’s pulse quickened at the memory, weakening her legs and
voice. “I begged her not to throw me out. She was the only relative I had.
There were no grandparents or aunts and uncles. I had no place to go. She said
I should have thought of that before I caused so much trouble.
“She went up to my room. I ran after her crying and begging.
She threw some of my things into a duffel bag I had, one I’d used for
sleepovers at my friends’ houses. She told me to get dressed and get out or
she’d call Joe to make certain I did.”
Toni paused to swallow, her body racked by heartache so
fierce every part of her hurt. Opening her eyes, she saw the pain on Zach’s
face, his unshed tears.
He cleared his throat. It didn’t erase the emotion from his
voice. “Where did you go?”
Averting her gaze, she tried for an indifferent tone that
came out far too sad. “That first night I stayed at my best friend’s house. I
didn’t tell her what had happened. I was too ashamed and afraid. I thought if
she told her mom, Joe would find out and he’d have me arrested for drugs.
During the remainder of the summer, I stayed with my friends, lying to their
parents about my mom being on a vacation with Joe. That she didn’t want me in
the house by myself. Eventually, though, I had to leave.”
Toni’s mouth trembled with grief. Her breathing sounded too
loud. “I didn’t know who would believe me over Joe, so I was afraid to go to
any of my friends’ parents, and talking to my teachers was out of the question.
It wasn’t like I could go back to school. I didn’t have any clothes to wear or
money for tuition. I started to hang out with some older kids who were homeless
like me. They said I could make some cash working at a fair that was in town.
There’d be food to eat and a place to stay at night.
“Three days later, I met Belle and Lucky. When I asked if I
could do some odd jobs for them so I could buy something to eat and pay for a
place to stay, they let me sleep in their trailer. They shared their meals with
me.” Toni smiled sadly, more tears stinging her eyes. When she spoke again,
love filled her voice. “Not once did they judge. Nor did they threaten to call
the police or social services. Neither of them trusted the authorities. They
asked if I had a place to go after the fair left. When I told them I didn’t,
they said I could come with them if I wanted. They’d help me all they could.”
Toni returned to her saddlebag, her tears quieting, her
voice weary. “A year later, I came back with them to Seattle for the same fair.
The city was just as I remembered it and so different too.” Her gaze turned
inward, her tone became wistful. “On the second night we were in town, I went
back to my house. I really thought things would have changed, that my mom would
have missed me.”
She swallowed and cleared her throat before continuing. “I
was trying to get enough courage to ring the bell, when the dining room light
came on. Through the side window, I saw her and Joe putting out plates for
their dinner.” Toni recalled her mother’s radiant smile, how she touched Joe’s
arm and laughed at whatever he’d said. “I could see she was really happy. No
matter what I had hoped, she didn’t want me to return. So, I didn’t. I never
saw her or my house again.”
Buckling her saddlebag, Toni hauled it and her jacket off
the mattress and grabbed her helmet’s strap. “You have my general delivery
address in Texas. Please send my last check there.”
“Toni, wait.”
Before Zach could stop her or she was foolish enough to stay
and hope for his love, Toni left the bedroom and bolted for the stairs.
She was halfway down the flight by the time Zach got to the
landing, his leg throbbing from his quick strides, his voice raised, “You don’t
have to go!”
Stopping at the bottom, she kept her back to him. “I don’t
want your pity, Zach. I won’t accept your charity.”
“I’m not offering it. I don’t want you to go.”
She went to the front door, opening it.
“Dammit, Toni, I love you!”
The door clicked behind her. Teeth clenched, Zach hurried
down the stairs, white hot pain streaking from his thigh to his hip and chest.
Panting, he yanked open the door.
She’d stopped in the middle of the porch, her head turned to
his pickup, her cycle propped on its bed…the reason he’d gone to the sheriff’s
department. Once he got the courage to confess his love, he’d wanted to give
her a means to escape if she didn’t feel as strongly about him.
Unwilling to let her flee before he could tell her again how
he felt, Zach came outside and pleaded, “Please don’t run away. My leg’s so
fucked up, I don’t know if I could catch you.”
At the raw agony in his voice, she turned, her face
scrunched with new tears, gaze dropping to his thigh. She released her things,
the saddlebag and helmet whacking the porch. Fingers to her mouth, she quieted
her mewling sob.
Zach risked a step toward her, his knee and thigh burning.
Swallowing hard, he spoke as gently as he could. “I don’t want you to go, Toni.
Please don’t. I love you.”
Eyes widened, she pressed her fingers against her lips and
shook her head.
His heart fell. Sorrow urged Zach to go inside, to escape
the intense pain her further rejection would bring. A greater part of him
couldn’t leave her side. “I’d hoped you wanted me as much as I want—”
Interrupting, Toni cried through her fingers, “You love Meg.
I’m not anything like her, Zach.”
“Oh sweetheart, I don’t want you to be. You’re more than I
ever hoped for.” He went to her, but didn’t dare touch. Sagging against the
post, he breathed hard, taking the weight off his bad leg.
Toni reached out to touch it, then snatched back her hand.
“Are you okay?”
“I will be if you’ll just listen to me.” He swallowed again
and spoke quickly. “My feelings for you don’t have anything to do with Meg. Nor
is it because I’m pitying you or offering charity. Believe me, I’m not. I
couldn’t be more selfish about this—I love you so fucking much it’s making me
crazy.”
He paused to gulp air, then continued before she could
interrupt. “You didn’t read all of the investigator’s report. Months ago, the
authorities arrested Bauchmann on a series of molestation charges. He’s
awaiting trial as he should have been before he did anything to you.”
Zach hesitated, then added, “Sad to say, your mother’s still
supporting his innocence. But your father did love you, Toni. He left you a
trust fund. With the accrued interest, it’s over a hundred thousand dollars.
You don’t need my charity. Hell, you don’t need anyone’s.”
She stared, not saying anything, her expression unbelieving.
“All you have to do is claim it,” he explained. “You can use
some of it to go to college and become whatever you want. Or you can give the
money to Belle and Lucky. Whatever you decide, you don’t have to return to the
circuit. If you can manage it, I’d like you to stay here with me and give me a
chance to be your family.”
Her lower lip quivered. She looked at her cycle, her
expression confused as to why he had it.
“Before you left the shop and came here, I’d planned to tell
you how I felt,” he said. “I wanted to give you an out, a means of escape if
you didn’t want to stay, so I picked up your cycle.” He softened his voice
further, allowing his love to speak for him. “All I ask is that you’re happy,
Toni. I’ll accept whatever you decide.”
Weeping quietly, she moved into him, her arms wreathing his
neck.
Zach’s eyes clouded with tears. Gently, tenderly, he held
her close.
Toni whispered, “You really love me?”
She seemed so surprised, it broke Zach’s heart. Cheek
pressed to hers, he swallowed and held her even tighter. “I’d die without you,
Toni. You gave me back my life.”
Her shoulders shook with her weeping. She whispered, “I’ve
loved you from the moment you bought me breakfast at Em’s. This morning I asked
Angel to help me get certified. I was going to beg you to let me stay.”
“Oh, Toni.” Zach ran his hands up and down her back. She
seemed so fragile and yet so strong. “You don’t have to get certified. You
don’t have to work in the shop. Go to college, be whatever you want to be. Just
don’t leave my life.”
She pressed her face against his throat, her breath warming
his skin. “I want to stay at the shop, please. I want to be close to you. I’ll
give you part of my trust fund to help your business.”
“No. I just want you. Give it all to the Starrs.”
Tears thickened her voice. “I worry about them, Zach.
They’re getting old. Lucky’s health isn’t all that good. Their business may not
make it. I want to help them always. They were so kind to me.”
“I know.” He stroked her hair. “Someday soon, we’ll visit
them, or we’ll have them over here for an extended stay if that’s what you
want. I’m taking the house off the market. I know you love it here. I want it
to be your home. For always.”