Not Everything Brainless is Dead (19 page)

Everyone closed their eyes and awaited vaporization, but yet again, their vapors stayed put. The survivors opened their eyes just in time to see a small device in the corner of the room projecting a point of light. Captain Rescue found it oddly enticing and wandered over to it for a better look. As he neared, his arm instinctively rose, and the hero waved his hand through the mysterious light, which then began growing. Freight grabbed his cape and yanked him back. Captain Rescue watched as the point of light expanded into a rectangular pink portal that glowed with all sorts of extra-dimensional energy. The portal’s evil color suggested that it was the herald to something monstrous and, in all likelihood, evil. Just as prophesied, something large passed through the portal.

Instantly, everyone recognized this newfound dimensional traveler, what they didn’t know, however, was how to react to it. A dolphin towered over them The creature was big yes, but the suit it wore made it even bigger. Since, even in the future, dolphins spent the majority of their time in the water, its mechanical exoskeleton made it more mobile on land—that and it looked damned cool. The sleek suit encasing the dolphin was a mixture of chrome and black components that fit over the creature’s body like the plates of medieval armor. A wet suit, quite literally, covered the dolphin and kept its skin permanently damp. Wires connecting the mechanical legs and arms to its flippers and fluke gave it full control of the suit’s functions and a collection of cables and tubes lined its back.

Evolution told the sea mammals to stay in the water, but the dolphins, the dolphins said no. Generations of gene splicing rendered it a freak of nature. Opposable digits sprouted from the tips of the creature’s fins, and its warped spine arched its head forward. The dolphin’s flukes appeared rather unchanged since these awesome exoskeletal suits meant they did not need to walk. The dolphin wore a helmet similar to that of fighter pilots, and inside was a heads-up-display with all sorts of information about its surroundings, from its targets’ species, to their heartbeat, to where it needed to fire its heat-seeking missiles for optimal damage (anywhere). The dolphin stepped forward and raised its mechanical arms to reveal the weaponry built into them.

The moment he caught a glimpse of the creature, Captain Rescue suddenly remember his parents and their fateful scuba diving vacation. It took his brain an ample amount of time to make the connection, but it eventually did. The dolphins were responsible for his parent’s deaths. How? Why? He really had no idea. For all he knew, they just wanted to be mean. This revelation would spearhead the campaign to rid the planet of the blight known as dolphins once and for all.

To everyone’s surprise, although they should have probably seen it coming, Stubbs approached the dolphin and said, “Master, I have brought those whose goal it is to make trouble for your kind.” The dolphin nodded and Stubbs walked over to stand beside it.

“You dirty zombie!” Dr. Malevolent shouted. “You may have stunk and been falling to pieces, but we thought you were our friend!”

Stubbs chuckled. “You silly human, why would I ever call you or any of your kind ‘friend’ when your end is so close.”

“Oh, this is getting interesting, isn’t it?” Greg said as he floated over to the dolphin to take a closer look.

The survivors watched as the dolphin began to speak in clicks and squeals while a speaker mounted into the animal’s suit translated its words: “Prepare to die, pesky humans!”

Before the heroes could say a word in their defense, the dolphin’s weaponry started to power up with a high-pitched wail. They sighed and dove for cover just a series of lasers barraged them. Through the chaos, Greg just floated in midair as lasers tickled him. Within moments, the machinery that had been providing cover started to explode in their faces. It would not be long before the room literally started to come down on their heads.

From behind a counter, Freight grabbed Courtney and fired at the dolphin, but since an invisible shield protected the creature, the slugs simply fell to the ground. He shrugged and held his beloved close; death did not seem so bad—Freight had his fun. As the futuristic machines all around him exploded, a slow acoustic song began to play within his head. He had been saving it for this very occasion, and now he wept for a noble death. Captain Rescue wept as well, but for other reasons. On his knees with his arms wrapped around his head, he balled his eyes out. He still had so much to do, so much to see, so many dolphins to kill.

“Ex—ter—min—ate!” the dolphin said repeatedly as it fired laser after laser.

Freight rose to his feet with his hands in the air. “Take me! I’m ready to pass on from this place!”

Stubbs tapped the dolphin on the shoulder, and it turned to face the zombie only to see the cluster of hydraulic cables in his hands. The dolphin’s black eyes went wide as it continued firing lasers arbitrarily—all of which missed Freight, who was staring to realize that maybe his time hadn’t come. With a swift jerk, Stubbs tore the cable loose and spilled oily fluid all over the dolphin and its super cool armor. Instantly, the suit began to malfunction and the dolphin fell to its metallic knees no longer able to move. Stubbs then leaned in and bit a chunk of flesh from the dolphin, which just so happened to be his first and only time spreading the zombie bug.

“You really had me goin’ for a minute there,” Charlie said as he stepped up to the dolphin.

Stubbs kicked the dolphin in the head. “I do what I want.”

The creature then lost consciousness, and a few seconds later reawakened as none other than a zombie dolphin chomping at random ankles. With the occupant deceased, the suit and the force field protecting it powered down. Freight cracked a smirk and splattered the dolphin’s brains all over the floor. Then with the butt of his shotgun, he smashed the device that brought the creature to this dimension in the first place. This wasn’t exactly an experience he wanted to relive.

“I have to admit, dead thing, that you handled the situation superbly,” Greg said to the zombie in compliment.

Stubbs laughed. “Why thank you… red thing.”

“Now for this thing,” Captain Rescue said as he approached the red dezombifier button. He tapped lightly on the glass and then started pressing the nearby buttons randomly. Luckily, the glass opened, because his button mashing had an equal chance of vaporizing him and everyone else in the room. He reached inside and pressed the button then exclaimed, “World saved!”

For a moment, there was no apparent effect. Then, the entire castle began to vibrate violently. Anything that wasn’t bolted to the ground started to fall from shelves and topple over. They grabbed anything within reach to help keep them steady. The rumbling ended abruptly as an enormous shockwave erupted from the castle and spread outward. It caused every zombie on the planet to explode systematically in a shower of their own gore, which the few remaining monitors in the control room showed in glorious high definition.

Captain Rescue then turned to Stubbs and asked, “Hey, why aren’t you dead?”

The zombie pointed at his decaying face. “I
am
dead.”

“You know what I mean,” the hero laughed as he jabbed the zombie playfully with his elbow.

He shrugged. “I’m special.”

“Fine, I didn’t even want to know.”

Since Stubbs was at the epicenter of the explosion, the great zombie extinction spared him. Not spared, however, was the last surviving lackey, who collapsed suddenly. A few moments passed before everyone realized that this was purely spontaneous, and that nothing in this room caused it. Later, they learned that he suffered a fatal brain aneurism, which had sealed his fate from the get go.

“Well, let’s get outta here now that the world’s saved… I’m pooped,” Captain Rescue said as they left the control room.

“How are you pooped, you barely did anything,” Dr. Malevolent inquired.

With a goofy look on his face, the hero pointed at his head. “Yeah, but there was some severe mental exhaustion.”

Dr. Malevolent shook her head and nodded. “I’ll buy that, you do barely use that brain of yours.”

“Exactly,” he replied triumphantly.

“Now that you’re done
saving the world
,” Greg said sarcastically to Charlie as he slid out his lamp, “fix this.”

“I have no idea how to fix an ancient magical lamp,” the bunny admitted

Greg tossed the lamp at him. “Then buy me another. I’m not really as picky as you’d think.”

Charlie caught it and inspected the golden vessel. “And where am I supposed to find another ancient magical lamp.”

He looked away and said haughtily, “That’s not my responsibility to figure out, maybe the internet?”

“Yeah… yeah…” Charlie said distantly.

“So uh… how are we going to get out of here?” Captain Rescue asked.

“Just this once…” Greg growled as he crossed his arms and blinked with a nod. Instantly, the heroes found themselves just outside castle grounds and out of laser turret range.

They waved goodbye to the medieval fortress, and headed off into the forest. The survivors had only just begun to meander back towards civilization when they felt a rumble beneath their feet. They shrugged it off at first, thinking that it had only been an aftershock from mass zombie extermination.

As another quake rumbled beneath them, Captain Rescue spoke up, “What’s that?”

“No idea,” Charlie replied.

Captain Rescue dropped to his knees and pressed an ear to the ground. “I hear cheering. Maybe our bigfoot friends learned of our triumphant victory over the forces of evil, and are now celebrating in our honor. And really, damn right they should, we showed evil who’s boss.” He thought over his words for a moment, and then looked up at Dr. Malevolent. “Well some evil, not all of it.”

She grunted. “Spare me! You’re lucky I didn’t kill you. You could have easily been just another casualty of the undead.”

He hopped to his feet. “Does this mean were friends now?”

“No,” she said with an eye roll.

Captain Rescue pouted. “Why not? We make a good team!”

“My undying hate for you aside, it’s just not meant to be.”

He nodded. “I guess you’re right. I do love throwing you in jail.”

“And I love tying you up and beating you until you scream for your mommy.”

“Well then,” Captain Rescue said as he took a precautious step away from her, “as soon as this adventure of ours concludes, things go back to the way they were.”

“I can’t wait,” she said before looking at Charlie, “As for you, if I ever see that costume again, I’m burning it.”

Charlie took his bunny head off just so Dr. Malevolent could see the human frowning underneath.

“Don’t give me that, the suit is a monstrosity. Just learn to be yourself.” She paused for a moment. “No scratch that. Be someone else, anyone else, I don’t care who.”

The heroes trekked towards civilization (or what was left of it) with a great sense of accomplishment. Nevertheless, evil continued to brew, and a hero’s work was never really done, and neither was a super villain’s for that matter, but in the meantime life could get back to normal—after they repopulated the city by putting up a few internet ads. That way, Dr. Malevolent could continue to pillage, steal, and conquer—while Captain Rescue tried his best to protect the innocent, and fight evil without accidentally getting himself killed.

The Epic Log, or Epilogue

Somewhere, deep in the seas of the distant future, a group of super intelligent dolphins monitored the situation on holographic displays that transcended time and space. On one, thousands of zombies exploded at once. On another, one of their agents lay dead on the floor of a fourteenth century castle. Needless to say, their plans for wiping out human civilization went a bit awry, but as the old saying went: can’t keep a good dolphin down.

“Whistle whistle whistlety whistle chirp,” (loosely translated to: “this isn’t over!”) one of them yelled as it slammed its fin against the underwater desk. While not a complete success, the dolphins still found their little attempt at human extermination rather fruitful. The thinning of the human flocks would make the odds of their next plan succeeding even higher. The dolphin swam over to another hologram and watched the story unfold further.

Back in the present, a few dolphins stood before an army of bigfoot. They had just spent years training the creatures in the ways of war and convinced them that the humans were their enemies. Now, the apes believed that their only purpose in life was to exterminate each and every one of them. The enormous poster held before the bigfoot showed their goal perfectly. It depicted a few stick figures: one of which labeled “hooman” and the other “bigfut”. Dolphins never really understood the human fascination with proper spelling and art; those two facets of life had no place in their advanced futuristic lifestyle, but, even millions of years in the future, dolphins still enjoyed jumping through flaming hoops.

The dolphins held up another poster with similar stick figures; only in this one, the bigfoot towered over the humans, who had an “X” over each of their eyes. As the dolphins lifted the poster into the air, a thunderous roar of applause that shook the very Earth echoed through the cavern, which the survivors could hear hundreds of feet above on the surface. The apes chanted exuberantly, “Kill all humans! Kill all humans!” The dolphins, with movement that was slightly restricted within their massive armored suits, looked at each other and nodded. Operation “bigfoot kill them humans” would soon begin, and hopefully it would fare better than operation “zombie them humans”.