Read Men Online

Authors: Marie Darrieussecq

Men (6 page)

Am I in love with him?
Was that love, the way she waited and now, without listening, watched his beautiful lips move over his beautiful teeth? She wanted to kiss him. He was speaking animatedly, with passion, his voice mellow and soft, deep and throaty. As if his initial deep silence now resonated in his words.

Then she realised he was drunk. Like the first time. But she wasn't: she had no way of knowing precisely what was making him so impassioned. She was the slow-motion spectator of a speeded-up film. Or perhaps she was just tired.

She looked at this man, his magnetism, sitting in her home at four o'clock in the morning and she wondered if that was it, what she wanted. She wanted him to kiss her. All men want to kiss her. The shy ones drink first, then it's as per normal. A normal man would kiss her. Even her less attractive girlfriends, her girlfriends who aren't actresses, tell her what men are like and they're like that. Especially at an indecent hour in the home of a woman in a camisole to whom you've already said intoxicating words.

BRASS LEGGINGS

He talked to her about the Congo. Not any old Congo, not the little Brazzaville Congo, no, the big Kinshasa one, where very quickly the road runs out and there are just the long arms of the river, which she had looked at on Google Earth three hours earlier. The coincidence was disturbing. She was going to chat about the islands—but he had drawn breath to introduce a new topic of conversation, and was now talking about
Heart of Darkness.
He told her about Conrad's novel. The story of a man who is looking for a man. Marlow looking for Kurtz, a retired officer from a colonial regiment, a ‘devil of a rapacious and pitiless folly'. Conrad's Congo is ‘something great and invincible, like evil or truth'. And Europe—white-faced Europe, the premonition of genocides. He cited the African woman in the novel ‘with a slight jingle
and flash of barbarous ornaments', ‘brass leggings to the knees' (she pictured the sorceress in
Kirikou
). He cited the ‘Intended', ‘this pale visage', blonde and diaphanous (she pictured herself). Was it a racist novel? No. But it was time for an African to seize power in Hollywood. It was time to take back from America the history of indigenous people.

She was overwhelmed with tiredness. Couldn't they just have a
normal
conversation? But he kept talking: he wanted to make a film adaptation of
Heart of Darkness
, something different from Coppola's
Apocalypse Now
and, in any case,
on location
—a crazy project, he was aware of that, his first film as a director and with equatorial ambitions to transport a crew into the heart of the forest and, once there, attempt to mount that masterpiece of a novel. Coppola went to the Philippines in order to film Vietnam; he would go to the Congo to film the Congo.

She interrupted him. She hadn't read the novel, but wasn't it a bit of a cliché:
Heart of Darkness
? A bit too run-of-the-mill for Africa? He protested. What he was interested in was precisely the stereotype, the ultimate cliché, what white people saw when they thought about Africa: darkness and elephants.

Was she white people? That beam pierced her chest. Did he see her as a white person? Was he—worse—here
because
she was white? She had been loved for her buttocks, for her talent, for her celebrity, but never for her colour. Or else all men, all the white people who had desired her up
until now, had only done it
on condition
that she was white?

She turned away and was startled by their reflection. In the bay window against the night sky, a man and a woman leaning into each other. She was struck by their beauty. The curve of the woman and the straight line of the man, her lying down, him sitting up, classically beautiful, thin and so Hollywood, her face-on and him in profile, yin-yang, snap: both perfectly matched. He could have any woman of any colour. She could have any man she wanted. Everyone on Earth may have wanted to sleep with him, but he was here with her.

She moved closer to him. He kept talking. His strange gaze fixed on her, on the surface of her camisole, as if he were carrying out a topographical survey. Surprisingly and almost inadvertently, the Congo had allowed itself to be enslaved. Belgium was a tick on a giant's back, and how do you even locate the tick when humans, since childhood, have stared at the immense green patch that is the centre of Africa? He was describing, with circular gestures, how shot after shot,
mise en abyme
after
mise en abyme,
his film would become more and more claustrophobic, ‘burrowing deep into the centre of the Earth'. And suddenly she had the faint hope that someone might know, finally know—perhaps him—where the centre of the world was. Everywhere, and in men, she had searched for it, that centre, that intensity. From the sound of him, it was over there, deep in the Congo. With him.

He was impetuous, bitter and wise. She wanted to taste that charm; she wanted him to be quiet but to keep talking to her; she wanted to devour his mouth. In France, when a man spends a long time explaining something to a woman, it's above all in order to sleep with her. She opened another bottle. She hadn't considered matching her nail polish with her camisole, deep pink on flesh pink—and, what does it even mean: flesh-pink white?

‘To be honest,' she began, ‘I'd completely forgotten, for instance, that Belgium had invaded the Congo.'

‘Not invaded. Colonised, violated, carved up, butchered. Fifteen million dead. And France. Twenty thousand dead for the only railway from the Congo to the ocean.'

‘As many as that.' She sighed. Her living room was filled with skulls.

He checked his phone—she was frightened it was a text from another woman—but he started to read the first page of Conrad's novel out loud to her from his screen: a gloomy London, the Thames, a ship in the night. He envisaged a murky opening shot, black sky, and then the sea emerging in a fade-in.

‘And you'll find producers here, in Hollywood?'

He paused, an actor's pause.

‘You know who will play Kurtz?'

A new beam illuminated her. She understood.

‘George.'

‘And who do you think will play the Intended?'

A rush of blood, her lips went taut, she felt the urge to inflate them and raise herself, yes her, towards him, towards the sky, towards an outlandish future, an expedition to the Congo, a marvellous and terrifying film shoot.

‘Gwyneth Paltrow.'

She got up. There are always moments of huge disappointment in the life of an actress, dishonesty, rigged horsetrading, nocturnal betrayals, and boorish behaviour. One of her nails was torn. She felt a childish regret, the silly idea that, if she had matched her nails to her outfit, he would have given her the role.

He explained the finances of the project, the money George was putting in, and perhaps Studio Canal, and a producer in Lagos, even Africana Studies at UCLA. Why did she feel like crying at this point? She still fancied his lips, that's what was so exasperating: her raging desire. His project would never get off the ground. George was forever having those philanthropic notions, and anyway that would be the biggest bit of miscasting of his career—George as a bad guy? But there was always the challenge, for a star like him, to surpass Brando. Even in a shambolic production in the depths of the jungle.

And it wouldn't be a shambolic production. With George on board it would end up on screens all over the world. The perfect UFO. A huge action movie, but also a bit arty. A big deal in any case, entrusted to an African, with the anything-but-vulgar touch that George adds to Hollywood,
and that this man Kouhouesso also has,
yeah, baby, he's got it.

Gwyneth Paltrow? That pathetic beanpole?

She placed her lips on his. It was like kissing a bouquet of peonies. Fleshy, luscious and beaded with freshness. Peonies saturated with a strong liqueur, soft, manly flowers, intoxicating.

She could no longer see his face, nor his roaming eyes. Their outlines cancelled each other out, cyclopean heat and moist mouths. He kept talking, but less. It was as if his mouth was blossoming from his scratchy cheeks, his lips even sweeter, and she was melting, soft and hard and tender and tense. He pulled away for a second and she thought he was going to preach to her again about the Congo, but no. He was staring at her. He looked happy.

Lying next to his big body, her camisole slipped above her head, she was once again touching this man, who was speaking to her about herself, who was saying wonderful things, who was burying himself in her and then pulling back as if reluctantly. She clung to him, until their bodies blurred in the embrace, deep, but not effusive. It was easy, so easy to remain in this marvellous suspension of breath where she was no longer waiting for him—it was he who was waiting for her.

Later, her thigh was resting on his thigh, and her arm was on his arm, and she was so white and he was so black that it made her laugh, it was tantalising, appetising, almost like a pastry confection; their bodies were so distinct one from the
other, touched each other so unequivocally, ended and began exactly at the demarcation of the skins, and they wanted to start again just for that, to check once again that here is me and there is you and that we can locate ourselves and take pleasure in that, precisely that, the decorative difference, invented especially to look good. And he laughed to see her laugh and she said to herself,
if he laughs he loves me
. If he laughs we will keep on laughing and taking our pleasure.

The crows were cawing on the electricity wires; the sky was a milky blue. Their reflection had disappeared into the bay window. There was nothing left of them but their real bodies; there was nothing left of them but the two of them. The image of them had retreated to where images reside, in the folds of the Hollywood hills, in the shadows.

AND YOU GHOSTS RISE BLUE FROM ALCHEMY

The light woke her, and the sensation of lying with him. She never slept for long. She breathed in the divine smell of his hair. The incense from his cathedral of hair. From his
dreadlocks
. She let them envelop her, wrap around her. They were a bit itchy, the ends prickled, they rolled like beads in the bed. That's what left the marks in the morning, etched into her skin. During the day she watched these marks slowly fade, like secret wedding rings, around her arms, her shoulders, her waist.

Close to his head it was soft and fluffy. No, they weren't braids. They were delicate coils. She looked at him, this astounding specimen, caught in the sheets of her bed. It sometimes seemed to her as if a creature with tentacles was
gripping her from all sides. She didn't dare move, for fear of waking him.

Gently, she reached for a book. ‘And you ghosts rise blue from alchemy…' Years of school and teachers, in Clèves and then in Bordeaux, and she hadn't read Césaire, she hadn't read Senghor, let alone Achebe or Soyinka. She'd never even heard of the last two. He'd had to spell them out to her. She'd felt illiterate. And she didn't know Fanon—and she was French? Nor Tchicaya U Tam'si, from the Congo? Nor Sony Labou Tansi, from the other Congo? Or even Tsitsi Dangarembga, from Zimbabwe? Or Bessie Head, from Botswana? (Where the hell was Botswana?) What she couldn't find in French she read in English. She read lying next to him, in silence, for hours. She was looking for answers. She was looking for the book that would tell their story. That would tell her the future. She tried to read from his perspective, to become the thing that he had loved, here, right here. Was it that female character? He slept in. He went to sleep late.

She had eventually hidden the photo of her son. She had given it some thought. In the photo he was only five; he certainly didn't make her seem old. One day, of course, she'd talk about it with him. They'd get round to it. But all that time before—the village, Bordeaux, Paris and even Los Angeles—it was as if, before him, there was nothing. As if time began with the mornings lying against him. What had she done during all those years? Before this intensity?

There were other photos, of Rose and her, and of her brother, in black and white, but—even assuming he had noticed them—he didn't ask questions. She looked at her son in the photo, with his face from another place, from another time. The time when the bike had training wheels. Where was she? In Paris. The time, oddly enough, of that other lover, Brice. She only remembered it now—not Brice, but the fact that he was black. Brice's colour had been of no importance at all. Was it, stupidly, because he was not very dark? Or because, like her, he was French? His West Indian accent, his family from the islands, it was—anecdotal, cosmetic. She didn't care in the slightest. They spent their time in nightclubs blowing money from the commercials they did during those years. They danced. He was good-looking, twenty, peroxide hair very short. He was only interested in auditions. For the agencies, black was fashionable: nighttime, Thierry Mugler, Nick Cave, Tim Burton, the last echoes of the New Wave. An airy, twirling memory, like a dress. And perhaps, in his own way, he was not black. She remembered in particular that he liked boys. Girls, too, but also boys. When he left her, she was not unhappy, but she lost weight. In haste and in terror, she had investigated his background. At that time, Haitians, heroin addicts and homosexuals were the only ones rumoured to have AIDS. For her, Haiti and the West Indies were one and the same.

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