The room suddenly became thick with silence.
Somewhere deep within the caverns of my mind I could just slightly
make out a quiet scream. I squeezed my eyes closed tightly, waiting
for that one perfect moment. Then with one sweaty finger I closed
in on the trigger.
BANG!
Cold sweat pours down my face in streams,
pooling at my feet. Each time gets so difficult I feel as though I
will never recover.
What torment! WHY?! Why did I do it? I'm
sorry! Please, do you hear me? I'm sorry!
They can't hear me now. No one really hears
me anymore. I don't even think They care what I say.
My stomach lurches with nausea, but I know I
won't throw up. I wrap my arms tight around my scrawny body and
hug. I wish my mother were able to hug me again, to whisper in my
ear, “Be strong, Harvey. Things can only get better.”
I wish they could get better, Mother. I wish
they could.
I sighed heavily as I waited alone in the
lunch line. It had been nearly a month since I had spoken to John.
I glanced over at him in the cafeteria. He was chuckling in the
direction of another football player making googly eyes at a senior
cheerleader. So comfortable in his new found jock status. I had to
say it suited him well. It looked as though he truly had moved on.
I tried to act like I had too, but I ached from loneliness on the
inside.
I watched the lunch ladies spoon my peas and
then my pears onto my plate down the assembly line before shoving
it into my chest when I reached the end.
Yummy...
I hated school food, but I had no choice. My
mom barely scraped by on her meager waitressing salary. She had
picked up more hours, but not nearly enough for me to pack my own
lunch. Maybe that's why I remained so skinny.
Mom works too hard, I told myself. She had
even told me she was considering a second job at Marv's Grocery. I
didn't see her much as it was and couldn't imagine not seeing her
at all if she started yet another job.
I heaved another sigh and walked toward an
empty table.
Splat!
Slimy mashed peas stuck to the side of my
face. Green goo clung heavily in the confines of my sandy hair. I
stood still for a moment, gathering the strength to turn around. I
could hear my mother's words in my ear again, telling me to just
“shrug it off”. I knew JJ or Mike would be standing behind me about
to bust a nut laughing at their brilliant prank.
I scraped the remaining peas off the side of
my face and turned myself around.
John's shiny white teeth smirked back at me,
wiping peas off his hands. His icy blue eyes, once
laughing with me, now laughed at me with an
arrogance I had never known. JJ turned and patted him on the back,
but not before giving me a triumphant grin.
I was awestruck. I couldn't move. I couldn't
make a sound. I just stood there, staring blankly at my ex best
friend as he cleaned his hands of me for good. I wanted to cry
again, but luckily I was too horrified for any kind of
response.
When the feeling finally returned to my feet,
I turned around and sat at the end of a cold gray table. I ate
nothing, emptied my tray, and walked out.
John Lennon once said, “All you need is
love”. In some aspects he was right. Love can change everything. It
can make you want to move mountains, wish on falling stars, and
stop to smell the roses. It can open your eyes to all the
possibilities there are to keep living for in the world. But, I've
realized after years of reflection while being hopelessly locked up
Here, despite the grand power of love and all its glory, sometimes,
it just can't stop the inevitable.
In my case, even more so, because it only
fueled the already raging fire.
God, I miss Joanna.
I could just barely make out the soft steady
tapping coming from the back door. I checked the clock.
11:32 pm.
She's early. As usual.
I turned down the volume on the TV and tossed
the remote on the couch. It landed with a hard heavy thud against
the tattered cushion.
My heart pounded a little faster as I
shuffled toward the door. I tried to slow down my anxious pace,
afraid to come across too eager. Even after all these weeks I still
feel like a giddy little boy.
My fingers gripped the scratched brass
colored door handle tightly. I squeezed the knob slightly, trying
to steady my overactive nervousness before opening the door.
Deep breath. Deep breath. Calm down, you
idiot!
A gentle creek rang through the night as I
opened the worn wooden door. The night air was cool and damp,
steaming slightly as it hit the warmth from within the house. The
air outside was thick with mystery. The darkness filled with
infinite possibilities.
Out of that darkness there she stood, my
light, like the answer to my prayers. Her tan hoodie clutched
tightly around her small frame. She had her hands shoved deep in
the pockets of her dark denim jeans. Her brown sketchers bouncing
up and down as she tried to keep warm in the crisp chilly air. She
smiled brightly up at me despite the fact that she was shivering
uncontrollably. That million dollar smile that somehow made
everything else go away.
“You're early.”
“No. I'm just not late.”
I smiled back like a love sick puppy and
reached out to her. My hand gently grabbed her arm,
pulling her toward me. I squeezed her ever so
slightly against my chest, breathing in the intoxicating lavender
scent of her skin. Her long corn silk hair brushed against my face
like a delicate wave. Time vanished as I held her close, the
solidity of her existence comforting every fiber of my being. Only
she was able to both excite and calm the butterflies that fluttered
aimlessly in the pit of my stomach in her presence.
I was lost in that idyllic moment. She laid
her head softly against my shoulder, fitting so absolutely perfect,
and let out a faint content moan. The slightest of smiles creeping
across her porcelain face.
“ I love you.”
“Ditto.”
I let out a long heavy sigh filled with
guilt, shame, and remorse. Just when I'm sure my self loathing
couldn't possibly get any worse. It does.
What the hell have I done?
That worthless son of a bitch!
“You hear me, JJ? You are the worthless piece
of shit! Yeah, you can hear me, can't you? I know you can.”
I take in a hard sharp, almost painful
breath. My jaw so taught my teeth grate roughly against each other,
close to breaking. Hot bubbling rage begins to rise from the tips
of my cold toes up to my feverish head. The heat of my anger
erupting all that surrounds me as I burned from hatred.
I'd gladly kill that fucker over and over
again for eternity just for one assurance that he feels that pain
repeatedly.
“Oh Jacky boy, we've got a long road ahead of
us.”
Such a long, long road.
I wonder if his putrid soul can handle the
journey. I wonder if mine can.
If he can, and I can't, does that make him
the better man or me?
A sudden deafening thud sang loudly in the
caverns of my right ear as a thick-fisted hand plowed straight into
the side of my head. Ringing echoed throughout my brain followed by
the throbbing pang of nerves screaming in pain up one side of my
face and down the other. I stopped dead in my tracks and cringed,
clutching my ear tightly.
“Watch where you're walking, Carter! Your
face was in the way of my fist!” A deep booming arrogant sound
managed to bore its way through the pain in my ear and straight to
the pit of my stomach.
JJ. I should have known.
I pushed my palm harder against my head
trying to force out the sound of his menacing voice. My bag slowly
dropped to floor with a heavy bang. There went my ceramic bowl from
pottery class. I imagined the tiny bits of fragments floating
aimlessly in my backpack, searching for a way to reconnect. My
confidence felt like those fragments right now. I wanted to somehow
glue myself together and stand up to this asshole, strong and
unbreakable, but reality showed me otherwise. I glanced up slightly
hoping he was simply walking away from his dirty deed, but no such
luck. JJ peered down, watching me writhe in pain, waiting for my
pieces to crack and break. Why does he enjoy this so much? Why does
he hate me?!
An evil grin spread slowly across his smug
face as he bent down, hovering above me. He leaned in close. I
could smell the stolen liquid courage he had downed in the back
parking lot earlier mixed with the gas station mints wafting
through the air around him. Who was he trying to kid anyway?
“You're such a worthless piece of crap,
Carter. You should do the world a favor and just jump off a bridge.
My dad says you and your mother are nothing more than a black mark
on society. You're mom's a whore, and you're nothing but a bastard.
If I had a chance, Carter, I'd get rid of you myself,” his voice
practically whispered the last words in my still ringing ear.
Hatred and rage bubbled down in the core of
my soul. How dare he? Every cell in my body screamed to avenge my
mother's honor against this ogre of a boy. Who was he calling a
black mark? His very ignorance and lack of intelligence seemed more
of a black mark than my mother or myself. Whore, huh? He should
take a long look at his father for that one. Everyone knows what a
piece of shit womanizer he is. What a joke he was! You'll end up
just like you're daddy, JJ. I could imagine his life in ten years.
No more Friday night lights for you, Jacky! No more cheerleaders!
No more free passes! Nothing but a fat-assed wife with five kids, a
mortgage, and a pay-nothing job working for Daddy at the car
dealership!
My face grew flush with anger as I returned
his gaze, trying to fight off the intense throbbing in my head. I
straightened myself up in front of him as much as I could muster
without passing out from a combination of anguish and fury.
My bony fingers curled tightly into a ball,
ready for a fight. JJ and I stared intently at each other for what
seemed like hours. The hallway, filled with passing students,
drifted away. Laughter and casual conversations disappeared with
each passing second. This was it. The “showdown” I had always
dreamed of. This was my chance to stop this shit once and for
all.
I raised up, clenched my fist tighter, pulled
back, and swung with all my might.
I felt the wind surge across my skin as my
fist flew through the air like a bullet. I let out a strong,
courageous cry of war just before hitting my target.
Thump!
My punch barely shook JJ's stocky body as my
fist landed hard into his chest. He stood firm
and unmoving in front of me. I was like a fly
trying to attack a lion. Defeat and shame exploded across my face
as I looked back at him. JJ appeared stunned, but not deterred. His
lips curled into a half snarl, half smile, eyebrows furrowed, jaw
clenched.
JJ had to barely touch me before I fell to
the ground. His enormous fist struck me hard in the
chest, knocking the wind out of me. I choked,
clutching my stomach trying to get air into my deflated lungs while
fending off the wave of nausea now rummaging my body. I crumpled to
floor like a used napkin, feeling just as worthless. A looming dark
object encased my vision as JJ's black boot pummeled me right in
the face. Warm blood gushed from the confines of my nostrils,
oozing to the floor. Shouts and hollers erupted all around us as I
remembered that we were not alone in the hallway. I coughed,
spraying blood down my shirt and on JJ's boots.
“Ugh! Damn it!” was the last sound I heard
before the thick odor of leather came riveting toward my bruised
and battered face again.
JJ kicked me square in the jaw. The hard
rubber sole of his boot crushed against the side of my face. I
could feel my teeth grind against each other, the screeching of
tooth on tooth became deafening as it merged with my internal
screams of agony. I could feel the tendons stretch to capacity as
my face smeared between JJ's boot and the smooth waxed linoleum of
the school floor. The sickly, sweet-sour smell of the Orange Glo
polish overwhelmed my senses. A surge of hot-cold tingled up and
down my body as sweat broke out across my forehead, mixing with the
sticky warm blood still racing down my nose. My stomach lurched
forward spilling the contents of my government funded school lunch
all over the once shiny floor. What once were shrieks of joy over
watching a fight quickly turned to cries of disgust as I continued
to vomit in the crowded hall.
Teachers from every room of the building
began pouring out of their classrooms, fighting through the
scrambling crowd. JJ took this as his cue to vacate himself from
the scene of the crime. I
watched through tear and blood filled eyes as
he disappeared into the chaos.
I lay broken and defeated in my own blood and
vomit, surrounded by peers and adults who gazed at me with sad
pity.
Some defender of honor I was. What was the
damn point anymore of even trying?
*
I could still feel the hot wet of blood and
puke sticking to my face even now. The putrid acidic odor invading
my senses fueling my nausea. I spent three hours at the hospital
that day getting checked over by rude nurses and know it all
doctors who only pretended to care. I ended up with a concussion, a
broken nose, and two chipped teeth. That was one of the worst
things JJ had ever done to me, physically anyway. But by far not
the worst though. I still haven't quite come to terms with that
demon just yet.