Free as a Bird (13 page)

Worry bout me? Make arrangements? I dint want to go nowhere — nope, jus wanted to stay with Nan … at our home. I don't member cryin so much in all my life — nope, not since Mom an Harold left me at Woodlands when I was eight. No more grocery shoppin at Spencer's with Pops, no more cookin with Nan, no more happy home for Ruby Jean. I cried so much I dint even notice when I fell asleep.

chapter 8

I stood in the day room lookin through the glass-an-meddal bars at the dark grey sky. I waited for Mister Crow to fly by but he wasn't nowhere round. Maybe he stayed way cause he could feel the awful sadness comin outta me. I tried hard to hide it by tellin myself over an over, “Ruby Jean's invisible. She's like a tiny fly on the wall.” But it was hard bein so tiny an quiet when my hands hurt so bad from all em bloody sores. “Don't let em see ya like this or they're gunna call the Boys,” I tole myself. Dint wanna get a needle or tied to a chair neither — nope, not a'tall. “Shush, Ruby Jean. You be okay if you don't make no moanin or cryin noise and stay here in the corner.”

Good thing the uniforms had too much work to do — too many bums to wipe, kids to feed, no time for nonsense. “We've got to wash 'em, dress 'em, feed 'em, park 'em,” said Morris. “Then get ready to start all over again.”

Bernice laughed. “Might as well be mugs on a tray or widgets packed in a box.”

“Watch out for that one — she's a biter,” Millie said. “Biters should have their teeth pulled out. That's the only way to fix them.”

I dint wanna, but I started cryin. I cried so much I surprised myself. Yup, that's cause I suddenly sat up an found out I weren't in Ward 33 a'tall. I was jus in my bed havin a bad dream — yup, jus havin a very bad dream. Funny thing bout that — even if it was jus a dream my heart was zoomin like a race car an I had a awful feelin Morris was standin there, lookin down on me.

“I promise I won't bite no more,” I tole him. “Please don't pull my teeth out.”

Then I heard Shirley in my head. She was sayin, “Poor Pops. Poor, poor Pops. Now he's dead, lost his head. Ruby Jean's sad. Poor, poor Ruby Jean.”

Maybe it was jus a dream bout Morris an all, but I had to shake myself to stop all em voices in my head. I decided best thing was to get oudda bed an go out to the kitchen.

The house was quiet — yup, awful quiet. I thought bout how some toast an tea would make me feel better. But when I looked round there weren't no bread. I guess that's cause Nan dint take none oudda the freezer — on account of what happened to Pops. I decided to have frozen waffles instead.

Waitin for em waffles to pop up from the toaster I still hadda bad feelin from my dream. Started to think bout what Greg told Nan — somethin bout Mrs. Gentry makin arrangements for me to go somewhere. Then I membered how Millie dint think I should leave Woodlands an how Bernice said I might come back one day. Sides livin with Nan an Pops, I only had one other home — that was Woodlands. I got awful nervous thinkin bout it — yup, gotta urge to gouge my fingernails into my hands. But instead I jumped cause the waffles popped up suddenly from the toaster an scared me. I took em out an slathered em with lots of maple syrup. Couldn't help thinkin how I never got frozen waffles in Woodlands — nope, never. Don't know why, but those waffles dint taste so good — nope, not a'tall.

Sittin there in the kitchen, with the darkness lookin in the window at me, I started to get the shivers. Not cause of bein cold — nope, jus cause I was thinkin bout my dream an bout goin back to Woodlands. That's when I got a idea. It was a awful scary idea — yup, made me even more jittery than before.

Still shakin, I put the dirdy dishes in the sink an went back to my room. I took out the red backpack Pops bought me an started fillin it. I packed some clothes. I packed my favourite pictures too — the one with Gramma at Christmas, the one with the Ward 33 kids on Canada Day, an the one with Nan an Pops at the park. I packed the clock Pops got me too. I dint knowed how to tell time — jus liked the sound it made. There was one more thing I packed in my red bag — Gramma's locket. I put it in the liddle pocket an zipped it up tight.

I thought bout lotsa things when I was gettin dressed. Like how I hoped Ronald wasn't gunna be mad at me for not comin back to Four Leaf to make flower boxes with him. He was gunna hafta teach somebody else how to do that job now. An I thought bout Mrs. Gentry too, an how she wasn't gunna be happy I went away without tellin her. “You must never leave the house without telling someone, Ruby Jean,” she said long time ago. “This is a big city and you might get lost.”

I looked out the window an was glad for the liddle bit of light comin from the street lamp. I sure was scared bout runnin away, but not so scared as havin to go back to Woodlands. I told myself, you gotta look after yourself now, Ruby Jean — yup, gotta run away fore it's too late. I said that cause I made myself a promise that day — yup, promised myself I weren't never goin back to Woodlands. Nope, never goin there again.

I put on my yellow jacket an backpack an went out the front door real quiet — quiet as a mouse. It was hard to leave cause it was the only place I really wanted to be. Then I blowed a kiss to Nan, an one to Pops in heaven.

When I got to Blundell Road I membered what Pops told me bout buses. “We've got buses going anywhere in the city you want to go. One day I'll teach you how to use them. How'd you like that, Ruby Jean?” But I dint have Pops to teach me no more. So I was jus gunna have to teach myself bout buses.

Pops said I was good at learnin things by watchin — like the time I learned to put the light switch together after he showed me. That's why I decided maybe if I jus watched other people I could figure out how to ride on the bus. In a liddle while a bus came an stopped in front of a man an he got on. Then it drove away. I watched more people an they all did the same thing every time those buses stopped.

I was nervous bout gettin on a bus — yup, awful nervous. But I went over to the place where em buses stopped at. Some more people came an waited too — yup, we all waited for a long time.

“The 6:50 must be late,” said the man in a brown suit. Jus when I was startin to think bout findin nother place to wait the bus finally came. I stepped back an watched the others get on. The man in the suit said to me, “Ladies first.” But I dint budge — nope, I wasn't gettin on till last.

The bus driver said, “Morning,” to the man as he put some money into a box an sat down on a seat. I got on the bus after him an was gunna sit down too, but the driver man said, “You've got to pay if you want a ride.” I dint have money — nope, all my money was in the Capital Credit Union. Gave it to em cause Pops said if I did they'd save it for me — for when I had a rainy day. It wasn't rainin that day — but I sure wished it was so I could have some of that money. “Well, haven't got all day. Are you going to pay or get off?”

I dint have money so I started to get off the bus. But the man in the suit said, “Just a minute, I've got enough to pay her fare.” He dropped some coins into the box an waved for me to get on. So that's jus what I did — I got back on the bus an sat cross from him.

“Well, aren't you going to thank the kind gentleman?” the bus driver asked.

He made me think of Morris. I wanted to thank the man, but somehow I jus couldn't make a peep — nope, not even a liddle peep.

“That's fine, Driver. There's no need for her to thank me. I'm happy to do it.” Then he smiled at me again.

I tried my best but jus couldn't smile back. That's cause I was too scared an sad an was tryin hard to be the invisible Ruby Jean again.

After a liddle while the sky got brighter with sunshine. An then the streets got awful busy with cars an trucks an more buses too. Every time the bus stopped more people got off an on.

I stayed on that bus for a long time. I dint knowed where I was goin but I thought maybe when I saw the right place I'd get off. After a long time the driver left an a new one took his place — an after him nother one. My legs got awful tired an my tummy started makin noises too. The lady sittin side me dint like that an got up an moved away.

The bus moaned loud an rocked back an forth too. That made me feel sleepy like a baby in a craddle. I dint knowed how long it was fore I woke up, but when I did my pants was wet an had a bad smell too. Nother thing — it was dark outside an the stores was closed an the streets looked empty.

“Okay, we're at the end of the line for this bus!” the driver yelled from the front. “She's going in for the night. Time to get off!”

I looked round — there weren't nobody else on the bus cept me. Still, I hoped maybe if I got very small an sat low in the seat the driver wouldn't notice me.

“C'mon, the bus is going into the station. You can't stay on — gotta get off here.”

The bus door whooshed open. I got up an felt the pee dribble down my pants. But the worst part was my wobbly legs — yup, they was jus like Nan's spaghetti an so wiggly I almost fell down. I held my bag close with one hand an the back of the seats with the other.

“Drinking too much, eh?” the driver said. “You better find yourself a spot to sleep it off.”

I dint knowed why he said I'd been drinkin too much. Maybe on account of I'd wet myself.

Soon's I stepped off, the bus door snapped shut hind me an it drove away. There was nobody round cept me. I stood there for a long time on account of me not knowin where I should go or what I should do. Like Mrs. Gentry said, I wasn't used to makin decisions. I always had someone else tellin me what to do. “Walk over here, Ruby Jean. Sit over there, Ruby Jean. Eat this, Ruby Jean. Go to sleep now, Ruby Jean.” Now I dint have nobody to tell me what to do, but wished I did.

I was glad for the light comin from all em buildins an street lights — otherwise it'd be awful dark in that place. There was stores, but they was closed up an dark inside. Over top of em was windows with bits of light peekin out hind curtains. I think maybe inside em rooms was TVs playin an kettles boilin for tea an people talkin. After a liddle while, I started noticin the other people round about — someone was under a blanket in a doorway. An two more was lookin inside a big meddal garbage box down a dark alley. Cross the street some guys was standin by a small fire burnin in a bin. They was smokin cigrettes an havin a hard time standin straight — jus like me when I got off the bus.

Down the way I heard cars honkin an police sirens an voices coming from dark places. An there was so many words everywhere — cept I couldn't read em on account of me not bein so smart. I dint like the feelin bout that place an decided to find somewhere else. But jus when I stepped off the sidewalk a car came screechin up an made a awful honkin noise at me. Scared me awful so I jumped back on the sidewalk. That's when the man in the yellow car yelled at me. “Hey, you idiot, watch where you're going!”

Idiot. Imbecile. Retard. Those was things I been called lotsa times. Gramma said they was jus words an couldn't break my bones, but all the same it hurt every time somebody said em to me.

After I walked round for a long time I got tired — yup, awful tired. That's why I sure was glad when I found a liddle park with a bench to sit on.

“Got a cigarette?” said a growly voice from the shadows hind me jus after I sat down. I dint have cigrettes an the voice scared me. “Hey, you — I said, got a cigarette? I'll pay you a quarter.”

The man stepped out from hind the tree. Even from far away I could see he was a dirty man. He came closer an jus looked at me for a long time. Then he walked away mumblin to hisself.

I dint knowed that man a'tall, but I'd been round his kind my whole life. Yup, the kind of people whose eyes was like empty holes an shoulders bent so low they looked like they was carryin a awful heavy load. It was nothin but a whole lot of sadnesss that made em look like that.

Even though I was jittery scared in that place, I was too tired to walk anymore. I put on some clean pants from my bag an then put my pack on the bench like a pillow. Layed my head down on it an could hear the clock inside goin
tic tic tic
— helped me pretend I was at home in my bed.

Soon's I closed my eyes I heard Shirley in my head. She said, “Poor, poor Ruby Jean. She's sad cause Pops went away. No more Pops, no more Nan, an no more waffles. Poor, poor Ruby Jean.” I tried makin her stop, but she jus kept talkin inside me. That made me feel lonesome — an more scared, an awful cold.