Authors: Lindsay Hunter

Don't Kiss Me: Stories (13 page)

LATER HE VOMITED DOWN HIS TIE

I THREW THAT TIE AWAY BECAUSE THAT WAS THE MONTH MY WASHER AND DRYER BECAME INHABITED BY GHOSTS OF BLACK MEN ASKING TO FONDLE MY GOURDS

IT IS NOT POSSIBLE TO BABY-FY YOUR FACE, I HAVE LOOKED IT UP

SOMETIMES I THINK ABOUT TAPING A PHOTO OF THIS WOMAN OVER MY FACE DURING ALONE TIME WITH MY HUSBAND, YOU HAVE TO BE CREATIVE IN A MARRIAGE SOMETIMES

BUT THE ONLY PHOTO I HAVE OF HER IS FROM HER CHRISTMAS CARD, SHE IS HOLDING HER CHILD AND WEARING ANTLERS AND I AM AFRAID THAT IS TOO MUCH STIMULANT FOR MY HUSBAND

THIS WOMAN EATS LIVE CUCUMBER, I HAVE SEEN IT WITH MY OWN EYES

ON OCCASION I HAVE CONVINCED THIS WOMAN TO VENTURE OUT AND EAT LUNCH WITH ME

I LIKE THE OLIVE GARDEN BUT THIS WOMAN PREFERS OUTBACK

IF WE DRIVE SEPARATE SOMETIMES I DROP BY THE OLIVE GARDEN ANYWAY

IT DISGUSTS ME TO SEE A GROWN WOMAN EAT A SALAD BUT I AM DEDICATED, I FORGIVE THIS WOMAN EACH TIME THOUGH I KNOW THE FLECKS OF LETTUCE ARE SLOWLY DISINTEGRATING HER ESOPHAGUS

YOU CAN’T SAVE EVERYONE

I HAVE A BLOND WIG, IT CAME PACKAGED WITH THE MERMAID COSTUME I BOUGHT FOR MY CHILD AT THE CVS THE YEAR SHE WAS IN HIDING, THE WIG DOES NOT FIT MY HEAD AND THAT IS WHAT THE GLUE IS FOR

I WEAR THAT WIG SOMETIMES WHEN I’M ALONE AND I MAKE MYSELF A SALAD OF PRETZELS DRIZZLED WITH TABASCO

I FEEL CLOSEST TO THE BLOND WOMAN IN THESE MOMENTS

SOMETIMES I CALL THE WOMAN ON THE PHONE EVEN THOUGH SHE IS RIGHT ACROSS FROM ME

I SAY, I SEE YOU

IF YOU WAIT FOR THIS WOMAN TO VISIT THE LADIES’ YOU CAN SIT IN HER CHAIR, IT DOES NOT KNOW WHO IS SITTING IN IT DESPITE WHAT YOU MAY BELIEVE

I ONCE ATE THIS WOMAN’S PEN CAP FROM THE WARM WOMB OF COMFORT I KNOW HER CHAIR TO BE

I WAS CHEWING IT AS I HAD SEEN HER DO BUT THEN I LOST CONTROL

I WAS NOT POPULAR IN HIGH SCHOOL

I WATCHED PROM FROM THE SAFETY OF THE FRONT SEAT OF MY FATHER’S CAR, I USED BINOCULARS

AFTER, I WENT TO THE DENNY’S AND WATCHED THEM ALL FROM A BOOTH AT THE BACK

I USED BINOCULARS

I MET MY HUSBAND ON THE INTERNET, HE WAS THE ONLY OTHER PERSON AFRAID OF WIND ASIDE FROM ME THAT I COULD FIND

DURING OUR FIRST LUNCH THIS WOMAN HELD ME WHILE I CRIED, WIND HAD TOUCHED MY FACE ON THE WALK TO THE CAR AND I KNEW THAT MEANT A CARTOON DEMON HAD MOLESTED ME

FOR CHRISTMAS THIS WOMAN GAVE ME A SATCHEL OF POTPOURRI, THERE WAS NO CARD AND I WAS EMBARRASSED FOR HER

REGARDLESS I ATE IT ALL ON THE DRIVE HOME

I GAVE HER A COUPON FOR A FRIENDSHIP SNUGGLE, IT WAS EASY, I PRINTED IT OFF THE INTERNET

I ALSO E-MAILED IT TO HER

SHE HAS NOT CASHED IT IN BUT EVERY DAY IS A NEW DAY

I GUESS I LOVE THIS WOMAN

IT GNAWS AT ME

BUT SEE IT’S GOT TO WHERE THESE DAYS I CAN’T TELL WHAT’S WORTH CONFESSING ANYMORE

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

An assault of kisses are owed to featherproof books, and Zach Dodson in particular. To Jac Jemc, for her early enthusiasm for the collection. To Mary Hamilton, who brought out the short-story writer in me. Amelia Gray, for terrifying and inspiring. Emily Bell, who is a badass. Jim Rutman, for helping champion my work. Matt Trupia and Sarah Grainer, writers and cherished friends who made me weirder. And finally, to my husband, without whom I shudder to think.

Farrar, Straus and Giroux

18 West 18th Street, New York 10011

First edition, 2013

Some of the stories in
Don’t Kiss Me
originally appeared in the following publications: “After” in
Dark Sky Magazine,
“Birthday Luncheon” in
Red Lightbulbs,
“Brenda’s Kid” in
Wigleaf,
“CANDLES” in
PANK Magazine,
“Clocks” in
Burrow Press Review,
“Dallas” in
trnsfr,
“Dishes” in
Knee-Jerk,
“DON’T KISS ME” in Orange Alert’s
Hair Lit: Volume One
anthology, “Gerald’s Wife” in
Sundog Lit,
“A Girl” in Fifty-Two Stories’
Forty
Stories
anthology, “Heart” in
Burrow Press Review
’s “15 Views of Orlando” series, “Like” in
Paper Darts,
“Me and Gin” in
Barrelhouse,
“My Boyfriend Del” in
Annalemma Magazine,
“Nixon in Retirement” in Melville House’s “Forty-Four Stories about Our Forty-Four Presidents” series, “Our Man” in
MAKE,
“Plans” in
The Handshake,
“RV People” in
BULL {Men’s Fiction},
“Splits” in
Midwestern Gothic,
“Summer Massacre” in
Denver Quarterly,
“Three Things You Should Know About Peggy Paula” in
Fifty-Two Stories,
and “You and Your Cats” in
Unstuck.