Crossing the Line (11 page)

The medic raised an eyebrow, and a glint in his eye told me he had
more questions. I glared at him like he was the only thing standing between me and Gerex—like I could kill him with my brain.

He nodded slowly and dropped a clean cloth on the seat next to me before backing away. I took the cloth and pressed it over my wound. Then I leaned back into my seat and watched the medics inject Scorpion with something to put him to sleep. I closed my eyes, wishing I could do the same.

T
he best high I had ever had was after a mission. The assignment had taken longer than it was supposed to and I was low on Gerex. We had a protocol in place to buy street drugs and alternate between them and the Gerex. The heroin got me through, but it didn't do nearly enough. My handler was on my extraction chopper with a needle. I hadn't been without the drug completely, but my dosage had been so low I was feeling minor withdrawal. The state of bliss I was in when he pushed the Gerex in my vein was so overwhelming I nearly passed out. I was light and free and whole all at once. Nothing could weigh me down.

 • • • 

Dr. March was waiting for me when we landed. She had the field medics move Scorpion while she took me back to the medical wing. I was trying to fight off the symptoms, but I was losing.

“It's a trigger,” I said. “After a mission—”

“Okay.” She wrapped her arm around my shoulders. “You're going to be okay.”

My teeth started chattering as she led me away from the other agents. I didn't even realize she'd put me on a bed until I felt her pulling at my hair, trying to get a clear path to my ear. I couldn't calm down and I couldn't stop shuddering. I wanted a hit more than I ever
had since I'd gotten clean. My cheeks felt wet. I didn't know I was crying until Dr. March wiped my face. She pulled a blanket up to my shoulders, and sat with me while we waited for the acupuncture to kick in. It wasn't as immediate as it usually was, and even when I did start to feel something it was only enough to take the edge off.

I gritted my teeth and breathed through my nose. “It's not stopping.”

“I know,” she said, running a hand over my hair. “It will. You've just got to ride it out.” She pushed a few more needles into my ear. I relaxed another fraction, but still not enough to be comfortable.

There was a knock on the door, and one of the field medics stuck her head in. “Dr. March, we need you next door.”

“Okay,” she said, not taking her eyes off me. “Give me a minute.” The door fell shut. “I'll be right back. Just focus on breathing.”

The door closed softly and I put all of my energy into each breath. Each minute felt like an eternity. I shut my eyes tight, like I was trying to squeeze the addiction out of me. If I didn't know for a fact that Dr. March didn't keep any drugs in the room I would have raided every cabinet in search of something that would help. I ground my teeth together, hating myself for being weak. Because if there was any possible way I could get a drug into my system I would have done it by now.

I was so locked in I didn't even hear Dr. March come back.

“I'm going to keep you here tonight,” she said. “I want to be able to monitor you.”

I opened my eyes and swallowed hard. “Is Scorpion going to be okay?”

She smiled lightly. “He was exposed to a chemical that causes
irritation and temporary blindness. He should be fine in a few days.”

I shivered. I hadn't felt cold flashes since my first detox. I wrapped the blanket tight around my shoulders. Dr. March shined a light in my eyes and put a hand on my forehead. “Cold sweats,” she muttered. “We're going to add some aromatherapy. Sit tight for a minute.” She went over to a cabinet and fished around for a few small bottles. “I want you to breathe these oils in, okay? Close your eyes and try to relax.”

She held one of the small bottles in front of my face and I inhaled. I felt some more tension leave my body. Dr. March kept a steady stream of essential oils flowing under my nose. I breathed as deeply as I could, and after what felt like forever I felt myself calming down. I wrapped the blanket even tighter around me, appreciating the stability. I kept twitching, but the need for the drug had dulled. March left me like that for another twenty minutes before putting her hand on my forehead again. “Good.” She wheeled a cart of supplies closer to the bed and pulled out the needles. I sat up as she started cleaning the graze wound on my arm.

I could barely feel the sting of the antiseptic. Then the reality of the mission washed over me. The only thing that scared me more than being overcome with a craving was the way I had faded. I almost didn't want to mention it. But I knew that would be something I'd pay for later. “Something happened in the field—other than the trigger.”

Her nose wrinkled in concern as she put the finishing touches on my bandage. “What do you mean?”

“When I was trying to get Scorpion out of the building we had to outrun a few guards,” I said. “I couldn't keep up.”

Dr. March pulled a chair from the corner and sat down. “That's
not so surprising. You've been out of the field for nearly two months. And at least half that time was spent in detox. It would make sense that you'd be a little behind.”

I shook my head. “That's not it. I was more than just out of shape. I couldn't
breathe
.”

She nodded slowly and I could see in her face that she had a theory. “I think it's because the Gerex is out of your system. This is the first time you were in the field without it and I think the steroid component did more for you than we realized. It got to your senses, your instincts, your reaction time—everything you would need to be a good agent.”

I swallowed. “When will I get that back?”

“I don't know if you can completely get everything back to the level you were at, but you should be able to get close. You're going to have to work for it a lot more than you used to.”

I nodded, and closed my eyes. I couldn't think about the damage Gerex had done to me. Not while I was still crippled by it.

Dr. March's voice brought me back. “Director Simmonds is outside. If you're up for it, he'd like to see you.”

I bit my lip. I didn't want anyone to see me like this. Dr. March seemed to sense my hesitation. “Jocelyn, he already knows what you're going through. You don't have to hide anything.”

I rubbed my eyes, defeated, and sat up. “Okay. Sure.”

She nodded, went over to the door and silently held it open. Simmonds stepped in, and his eyes held mine for a moment.

“I'm going to check on a few things next door,” Dr. March said. She was talking more to me than Simmonds. I nodded. She gave me a final once-over, then left us alone.

Before he could talk, I took the flashdrive out of my pocket and put it on the cart Dr. March had left near the bed. Simmonds looked at it, then back at me with an amazed expression. He lowered himself into the chair March had vacated, and when he spoke his voice was soft, like he was afraid to upset the quiet hum of the room.

“We'll get people working on this right away,” he said. He reached for the flashdrive, tapping it on the tray for a moment, as if he were trying to be sure it was real. Then he dropped it in his pocket. “You did an outstanding job.” His face was even and absolute.

“Thank you,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper.

His serious expression intensified. “What you did was remarkable. You went into a situation blind, and were able to locate and retrieve our operative, and get the information he was sent for, in less than four hours. It is one of the more impressive performances this agency has seen.”

I shook my head. Nothing about me felt impressive. “I only completed the mission.”

“You did more than that.” He leaned closer like he was trying to make me understand. “You won a lot of people over around here—at least on some level.”

“What does that mean?” I asked.

“It means that they may not completely trust you, but at the very least they respect you.” He paused. “They understand your value.”

I laughed. “I'm not even sure
I
understand my value.”

He wasn't amused. He looked me hard in the eyes with an intensity that made me understand why other agents were intimidated by him. “There is no one in this agency who could have done what you did tonight. You were trained to survive in a way we can't
understand. It means a lot to save a fellow agent, and the history between you and Agent Elton is no secret around here. The way you were able to execute your mission regardless of your feelings may have made you one of our more valuable assets.”

I shrugged. “I've got a lot of experience completing missions I want no part of. At least this one was saving someone.”

Simmonds's lips strained for a moment, then he pushed on. “Dr. March tells me she's going to monitor you overnight. Before I go, I want to give you an update about the search for you father.” I tensed. “We haven't located him yet, but we have narrowed down the list of possible locations. He was careful not to hide anyplace we'd suspect.”

“If he doesn't want to be found, then maybe you shouldn't try too hard.”

Simmonds leaned in, close enough to make eye contact that was impossible to avoid. “If he'd known you were alive, he'd never have wanted to disappear. Trust me on this.”

It didn't make me feel better, but I conceded. “Yes, sir.”

He nodded and got up to leave. I started to relax, but then I remembered what I'd found before I left on my mission. “Sir, there's something else.” He stopped halfway to the door and turned back to me. I was exhausted, and I didn't feel like dealing with anything else tonight, but it couldn't wait. “Before I left, KATO told me again to make sure I keep them updated on anything the IDA learns about them. It's the second time they asked me that. I think you were right to send Scorpion on this mission. They're up to something, and there's a good chance the reason you haven't had intel lately is because they're working hard to keep it quiet.”

His face darkened. “That would explain a lot,” he said. “Hopefully whatever's on this flashdrive will give us some kind of lead.” He patted the drive his pocket. “But don't worry about it for tonight. Just try and get some rest. I'll contact you when we have something to go on.”

I sighed when he left, and couldn't seem to make my brain work any harder. So instead, I took Simmonds's advice, pulling the blanket even tighter around me and allowing its pressure to soothe me to sleep.

 • • • 

Simmonds gave me the week of classes off to get myself back together. I only took a few days. I wasn't looking for special treatment. He also raised my security clearance to the standard level-four-agent status. I took the time off to check in with KATO and report the details of the mission. I kept my report limited to the rescue mission I'd successfully accomplished, leaving out the flashdrive—which the tech team was still working on—altogether. They were very happy to hear I was “endearing” myself to the IDA, and again reminded me to keep them updated on any new intel. It didn't matter that Simmonds knew exactly what I was doing, the more time I spent talking to KATO, the dirtier I felt. I made myself remember that we were on to them, and that eventually this would all be worth it.

I was no longer tied to an IDA guide since I had completed my first assignment. I spent my new freedom actively avoiding as many people as I possibly could. Despite what Simmonds had said, I didn't believe I changed as many minds as he seemed to think. At least, not on the agent level. And with my recent cravings, I wasn't looking to put myself in a position to be agitated.

I did a quick inspection of the gym on my first day back. Scorpion was nowhere to be found, but Cody, Nikki, and Rachel were working out near their usual wall. I knew they saw me the second I walked in, but no one came over to me or bothered me. It wasn't until I got started with the punching bag that Nikki approached.

“Hey,” she said. “You want a partner for the day?”

I hesitated, but agreed. I was sure she wanted to know more about what had happened in Hong Kong, and was pleasantly surprised when she didn't bring it up. We stayed focused on the workout, taking turns holding and punching the bag.

I had no idea how long we'd been at it when a buzz started to fill the gym. I glanced out the corner of my eye and saw Scorpion standing in the middle of the room. I hadn't even noticed him come in.

Agents surrounded him in seconds. I could hear everyone dying to know how he was doing and what had happened. He brushed the questions aside with answers like, “I'm good,” and “Nothing I couldn't handle.” Nikki seemed like she wanted to go to him, but she took one look at me and stayed put. I kept my focus on her, wishing I could block him out. I didn't know how to handle him. We'd had an understanding in Hong Kong. But he'd beaten the shit out of me before he left for his mission, and I hadn't forgotten that.

I saw Scorpion moving toward me. I took a swing at the bag, but he caught my wrist before I could land the punch, putting himself in between me and Nikki.

“What are you doing?” I asked, annoyed.

He let go of my arm and stood with his arms crossed.

“Travis, what the hell?” Nikki stepped next to him, glaring.

“Not now.” He didn't even look at her. Nikki wasn't one to let
these guys talk to her like that, so there must have been something about his tone that kept her quiet. He gave me a once-over, scrutinizing every inch of me. “What are you up to?”

Now I was confused. “What are you talking about?”

“I'm talking about how you acted in Hong Kong. You made sure nothing happened to me.” His eyes constricted like he was trying to read my mind. “After what I did to you, you got me out. That's not normal.”

“I told you: You were my mission.” I tried to blow him off, but he wasn't having it.

“Bull. It would have been so easy to kill me and make it look like an accident.” He shook his head. “I couldn't even
see
. You could have gotten away with it.”

“So you think because I did what I was supposed to, it means I'm up to something?” I couldn't win. I didn't expect him to trust me, but I had thought I'd at least earned some room to breathe. Instead he was trying to suffocate me.