Confessions of a Military Wife (20 page)

We laughed and laughed at the fact that in about five different shots one of my “girls” was poking out trying to get a bit of sunshine.

I laugh every time I look at the photos. No wonder the priest avoided talking to me during the reception.

I am here to tell you, the sword swat you get on the butt as you walk through the sword arch is painful!

The stories of women padding their bottoms before going under the arch are no joke! I wish I had. My bottom was stinging for about an hour after I got whacked. No one would tell me which of Jon’s friends did the smacking, either. I had to wait until the photos were developed to find out.

If you’re having a military ceremony, buy those panties with the padded butt. You’re gonna need ‘em!

Top: Grandma Ruby took this picture of me at age 2 about 10 seconds before I got a spanking. I locked myself in her bathroom and refused to let her in to “wipe me.” Clearly I did not have the situation under contrl. She must have heard the commotion from outside the door, and got the camera. As you can see, the toilet paper was everywhere but on my bottom! Above: Hanging out with my favorite cousin Kevin at age 4.

Jon and I went out to 5 points in Columbia, SC for Halloween when we were dating. He’s the goofy Marine with the BCGs and I am the hooker who is refusing service. Sorry Marine, those BCGs (birth control glasses) are a total turn off!

I didn’t find out who whacked my bottom with his sword at the end of the sword arch until the photos were developed. I thought it was Carl, but the evidence pointed the finger at LLOYD!

Jon was shocked to see what he found hiding up under my dress when he went in for the garter! My wedding night surprise was ruined!

Below: Jon and I at our church wedding, “renewing of the vows” October 2002. The Ranch House Chapel, Camp Pendleton

Erin and me fighting over the first dance with JJ at my church wedding. Who can resist “Kid Dynamite!”?

Michelle, me, and Beenie (left to right) during one of the “Mommy and me playgroups.” The guys are gone so Michelle is copping a feel.

Beenie and me at the secret beach. When your BFF becomes your "spouse" during a deployment … sometimes you can get into some misunderstandings. Watch out Paris and Nicole!

Above: Us wives at the 80s-themed roller skating birthday party. Oh no, where is David the Menace? And do I really look 15? Top, left to right: Melissa, Julian, Natalie, Lauren, Autumn, Dawn, Beenie, Grace. Bottom, left to right: Nick, Michelle, Jacob, me, Alek, Kianna, and Karen.

Below: My dad, Erin, and Mom visiting the weekend of my church wedding. The east coasters are freaking out over the chilly Pacific Ocean! I am freaking out over my mom and dad wearing their sweatshirts like that!

Jon and I out in front at grandma’s doing some paparazzi poses before attending the Marine Corps Birthday Ball. Dad was there taking pictures, mom and grandma were fussing over my hair, make-up, and girdle.