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Authors: Kurt Vonnegut

Bluebeard

      
AMERICA’S GREATEST SATIRIST
      KURT VONNEGUT IS …

“UNIQUE … one of the writers who map our landscapes for us, who give names to the places we know best.”

—D
ORIS
L
ESSING
The New York Times Book Review

“OUR FINEST BLACK-HUMORIST. … We laugh in self-defense.”


The Atlantic Monthly

“AN UNIMITATIVE AND INIMITABLE SOCIAL SATIRIST.”


Harper’s Magazine

“A CAUSE FOR CELEBRATION.”


Chicago Sun-Times

“A LAUGHING PROPHET OF DOOM.”


The New York Times

    BLUEBEARD

“THE QUICKSILVER MIND OF VONNEGUT IS AT IT AGAIN…. He displays all his talents—satire, irony, ridicule, slapstick, and even a shaggy dog story of epic proportions.”


The Cincinnati Post

“A VOICE YOU CAN TRUST TO KEEP POKING HOLES IN THE SOCIAL FABRIC … Vonnegut sets up his political salvos with the skill of a Woody Allen who’s finally managed to forget about himself for a while.”


San Francisco Chronicle

“IT HAS THE QUALITIES OF CLASSIC BOSCH AND
SLAUGHTERHOUSE
VONNEGUT….
BLUEBEARD
IS UNCOMMONLY FEISTY.”


USA Today

“IS
BLUEBEARD
GOOD? YES! … THIS IS VINTAGE VONNEGUT—GOOD WINE FROM HIS BEST GRAPES.”


The Detroit News

“A JOYRIDE … Vonnegut is more fascinated and puzzled than angered by the human stupidities and contradictions he discerns so keenly. So hop in his rumble seat. As you whiz along, what you observe may provide some new perspectives.”


Kansas City Star

“I FIND
BLUEBEARD
TO BE VONNEGUT’S BEST NOVEL SINCE
SLAUGHTERHOUSE-FIVE
and would rate it among his top five novels. Start it tonight!”


The Tennessean
(Nashville)

“VONNEGUT FANS SHOULD LOVE THIS ONE. TENDER, MERCILESSLY LOVELESS, BLENDING WISDOM AND INSANITY,
BLUEBEARD
HAS WIT, SUBSTANCE, AND STYLE.”


Rave Reviews

“VONNEGUT’S MIXTURE OF THE COMIC AND IRONIC BALANCES HIS SENSITIVE CONCERN for what it means to be human. This is a novel that should be read.”


The Chattanooga Times

“VONNEGUT IS A GENIUS. His language is direct and deceptively simple, and he writes accurately of the chaos of our times.”


Austin Chronicle

“IT’S THE TOPS!”


The Grand Rapids Press

“A GIFTED AUTHOR’S DAYDREAMS … WISTFUL AND CHARMING.”


Time

“VONNEGUT [IS] … AS CRUSTY, IMAGINATIVE, AND BITINGLY FUNNY AS EVER. AND WITH SOUL, SOUL, SOUL.”


The Des Moines Register

BOOKS BY KURT VONNEGUT

Bluebeard
Breakfast of Champions
Cat’s Cradle
Deadeye Dick
Galápagos
God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater
Jailbird
Mother Night
Palm Sunday
Player Piano
The Sirens of Titan
Slapstick
Slaughterhouse-Five
Wampeters, Foma & Granfalloons
Welcome to the Monkey House

   AUTHOR’S NOTE

This is a novel, and a hoax autobiography at that. It is not to be taken as a responsible history of the Abstract Expressionist school of painting, the first major art movement to originate in the United States of America. It is a history of nothing but my own idiosyncratic responses to this or that.

Rabo Karabekian never lived, and neither did Terry Kitchen or Circe Berman or Paul Slazinger or Dan Gregory or Edith Taft or Marilee Kemp or any of the other major characters in this book. As for real and famous persons I mention: I have them do nothing that they did not actually do when tested on this proving ground.

May I say, too, that much of what I put in this book was inspired by the grotesque prices paid for works of art during the past century. Tremendous concentrations of paper wealth have made it possible for a few persons or institutions to endow certain sorts of human playfulness with inappropriate and hence distressing seriousness. I think not only of the mudpies of art, but of children’s games as well—running, jumping, catching, throwing.

Or dancing.

Or singing songs.

K. V.

“We are here to help each other get
through this thing, whatever it is.”

  —D
R.
M
ARK
V
ONNEGUT, M.D.
(Letter to Author, 1985)
      

    BLUEBEARD
    
THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY
        OF RABO KARABEKIAN
        (1916–1988)

This book is for Circe Berman.
What else can I say?

 
R.K.

   1

     
H
AVING WRITTEN
“The End” to this story of my life, I find it prudent to scamper back here to before the beginning, to my front door, so to speak, and to make this apology to arriving guests: “I promised you an autobiography, but something went wrong in the kitchen. It turns out to be a
diary
of this past troubled summer, too! We can always send out for pizzas if necessary. Come
in
, come in.”

I am the erstwhile American painter Rabo Karabekian, a one-eyed man. I was born of immigrant parents in San Ignacio, California, in 1916. I begin this autobiography seventy-one years later. To those unfamiliar with the ancient mysteries of arithmetic, that makes this year 1987.

I was not born a cyclops. I was deprived of my left eye while commanding a platoon of Army Engineers, curiously enough artists of one sort or another in civilian
life, in Luxembourg near the end of World War Two. We were specialists in camouflage, but at that time were fighting for our lives as ordinary infantry. The unit was composed of artists, since it was the theory of someone in the Army that we would be especially good at camouflage.

And so we were! And we were! What hallucinations we gave the Germans as to what was dangerous to them behind our lines, and what was not. Yes, and we were allowed to live like artists, too, hilariously careless in matters of dress and military courtesy. We were never attached to a unit as quotidian as a division or even a corps. We were under orders which came directly from the Supreme Headquarters of the Allied Expeditionary Force, which assigned us temporarily to this or that general, who had heard of our astonishing illusions. He was our patron for just a little while, permissive and fascinated and finally grateful.

Then off we went again.

Since I had joined the regular Army and become a lieutenant two years before the United States backed into the war, I might have attained the rank of lieutenant colonel at least by the end of the war. But I refused all promotions beyond captain in order to remain with my happy family of thirty-six men. That was my first experience with a family that large. My second came after the war, when I found myself a friend and seeming peer of those American painters who have now entered art history as founders of the Abstract Expressionist school.

My mother and father had families bigger than those two of mine back in the Old World—and of course their relatives back there were
blood
relatives. They lost their blood relatives to a massacre by the Turkish Empire of about one million of its Armenian citizens, who were thought to be treacherous for two reasons: first because they were clever and educated, and second because so many of them had relatives on the other side of Turkey’s border with its enemy, the Russian Empire.

It was an age of Empires. So is this one, not all that well disguised.

The German Empire, allied with the Turks, sent impassive military observers to evaluate this century’s first genocide, a word which did not exist in any language then. The word is now understood everywhere to mean a carefully planned effort to kill every member, be it man, woman, or child, of a perceived subfamily of the human race.

The problems presented by such ambitious projects are purely industrial: how to kill that many big, resourceful animals cheaply and quickly, make sure that nobody gets away, and dispose of mountains of meat and bones afterwards. The Turks, in their pioneering effort, had neither the aptitude for really big business nor the specialized machinery required. The Germans would
exhibit both par excellence only one quarter of a century later. The Turks simply took all the Armenians they could find in their homes or places of work or refreshment or play or worship or education or whatever, marched them out into the countryside, and kept them away from food and water and shelter, and shot and bashed them and so on until they all appeared to be dead. It was up to dogs and vultures and rodents and so on, and finally worms, to clean up the mess afterwards.

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