BITTER MEMORIES: A Memoir of Heartache & Survival (4 page)

Several months passed before they had their first big fight. I didn’t want to leave, but I knew Daddy did. It surprised me we stayed the rest of the day, and that night I prayed they’d make-up.

Hours later, awakened by a scream, I jumped up from the couch, and looked around, not sure at first where I was. Then I saw Daddy coming out of the bedroom, and I remembered. We were at Martha’s. Since I’d left the TV on, I assumed the scream had been from the movie.

“Sarah, hurry up and get dressed. We need to get out of here, now!”

“What’s wrong, Daddy? Are you still mad at Martha?”

“Nothing’s wrong, Sarah. We just need to get on the road. We’ve been here too long and Martha doesn’t want us here anymore. Now, move!”

“Daddy, you’re bleeding! Did you cut your hand?”

“Uh, no. No, I killed a mouse in the bedroom.” He looked at his hands, then went into the kitchen to wash the blood off.

Now I figured the scream I heard came from Martha. Giggling, I asked, “Is she scared of a little mouse, Daddy?”

“What?”

“Martha. She’s scared of a mouse. That’s why she screamed, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, she’s scared of mice. Now hurry up, Sarah! We need to go!”

I got my clothes together while Daddy searched the house. I watched as he looked in every drawer and started pulling books off the shelves making a big mess.

“Martha’s gonna be mad at you.”

“I don’t think she’ll say a word.” He smiled. “Go on now. Get ready to go.”

I went to the bathroom, and when I came back into the living room it looked like a tornado had hit it. Lamps were broken, tables turned over, and most of the books were in the floor.

“Daddy! Why did you do this?”

“You aren’t old enough to understand, Sarah,” he answered absent-mindedly, still searching the room. “Are you ready to go?”

“Can I say goodbye to Martha?”

“No!” he snapped, ushering me toward the door. “She’s still sleeping.”

It was still dark as he drove away from the yellow house as fast as he dared so not to attract attention. I felt bad not getting to tell Martha goodbye, and I think Daddy started to feel sorry for me, too. After that, he began treating me nicer.

He didn’t tell me we hadn’t gotten to a town anymore, but of course, I didn’t sleep much either. I wasn’t gonna give him the chance, if I could help it, to not feed me again.

We didn’t talk much after we left Martha’s house. He listened to the radio and kept his eyes on the road, except when coming into a town. Then he’d look back to see if I was asleep. Most of the time I was awake, watching the back of his head, and waiting.

I knew the signs now, and I knew how to trick him!

When he’d look back, I’d close my eyes and wait until the car started slowing down. Then I’d sit up, look out the window, and seeing the restaurant, I’d bounce up and down on the seat, clap my hands, and cry out, “Yeah, food! I’m so hungry, Daddy.”

I got him every time, too!

Daddy was clever and smart, but I’d learned how to be just as clever and sneaky as he was. Maybe I learned too well cause he never figured out how I always knew when we were close to a place with food.

I think I got away with it because of patience, and sometimes just luck, but as long as I got to eat and go to the bathroom, I didn’t care.

His looking back at me was the only clue I had that we
were nearing a town. I knew he’d figure out what I was doing if I didn’t change things up, so sometimes I’d sit up as he slowed down, or I’d wait until the car completely stopped, and occasionally after he opened his door.

But, I never waited until he closed his door. That would be taking too much of a risk, a stupid chance he’d get away before he knew I was awake.

I didn’t understand why he didn’t want to feed me. He had money, and I wasn’t a fussy eater, especially when hungry, which was most of the time! Even when full, I’d eat everything on my plate.

I didn’t know when I’d get to eat again!

Daddy still got friendly with the waitresses, except now, he usually left with her and I stayed in the car. Sometimes it’d be daylight before he returned. It got cold at night, but I didn’t complain.

Daddy had found an old coffee can for when I had to go, so that helped. He told me, “Don’t you
ever
—
ever
get out of this car. And, don’t
ever
unlock this door for anyone.”

I didn’t want to make him mad, so I did as he said no matter how cold I got.

I liked it when he was being nice to me.

Five

1954 – Kansas

“Sarah, I’m tired and can’t drive anymore tonight. I’m gonna stop at this motel, but I need you to get on the floor and don’t get up until I tell you.”

“Okay, Daddy.”
             

When I was out of sight, he parked, went inside, and asked for a room away from the entrance. Returning, he drove to the far end, then sat in the car several minutes before he told me I could get up.

We’d been on the road a very long time, and I felt so dirty. I only had the clothes I wore when we left home, and my last bath had been weeks ago at Martha’s. I missed her so much.

Daddy still wouldn’t tell me why we had to leave, or why I couldn’t bring the clothes she’d given me. The last time I said her name he got mad, told me to forget her and to not talk about her ever again. He’d said that same thing about Mama, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t
think
about her. And I could
think
about Martha, too! 

We’d been stopping at drive-in places for food lately. Probably so no one would know I was dirty and smelly, but I didn’t care where we stopped as long as there was food! 

As soon as we got inside the room I checked out the bathroom.

“Daddy, can I take a bubble bath? There’s a big tub!” I yelled.

“Sure baby. I’ll run the water for you.” A strange look crossed his face while he watched me get undress and climb in the tub. Then, without another word, he went into the other room.

I used to watch Mama when she washed some of her clothes in the sink, so every time we stayed at a motel I’d wash mine in the tub after I took my bath. I tried to get them clean, but it was hard. I wished Daddy would help me, but he never did.
 

The water felt so good, I didn’t ever want to get out, but Daddy yelled for me to hurry up. Reluctantly, I finished washing, climbed out, and laid my wet clothes across the edge of the tub to dry, realizing I’d left the nightgown Martha gave me in the car.

“Daddy, I don’t have anything to sleep in!” 

I waited for a response, then yelled again. “Daddy!”

Wrapping the wet towel around me, I went to ask what to wear, but he was lying across the bed, asleep. I looked for a blanket, but couldn’t find one, so I wrapped the towel tighter around me and curled up in the chair. I felt cold, lost, and so alone.

I thought of Judy and softly cried myself to sleep.

“Sarah, get up,” he said, shaking me. “Why are you sleeping in the chair?” The tone of his voice scared me, and I looked up into his frowning face.

“You were sleeping, Daddy. I didn’t want to wake you…I didn’t have my nightgown…my clothes were wet…I didn’t know what to wear.” I faltered over the words, and then watched for any sign that he wasn’t mad. 

“Well, next time you wake me up and come to bed and get under the covers with me.” 

His eyes glistened when he said
under the covers,
and a broad smile came to his face when he said
with me
. I didn’t understand the big smile, but it told me he wasn’t mad, and that was good enough for me!

“Next time you climb in bed, okay?”

“Okay, Daddy. I washed my clothes in the tub like before. Was that okay?”

“I hope they’re dry, Sarah. If not, you’ll just have to wear ‘em wet. Hurry up and get dressed. We need to get on the road before daylight.”

Jumping up, I ran into the bathroom and found my clothes still wet. I knew I should’ve asked if we’d stay long enough for them to dry, so it was my own fault I had to wear them wet. 

When I came out of the bathroom Daddy stood at the door waiting. I followed him to the car, jumped inside, and wrapped up in my blanket. I didn’t want to complain, and I was glad he didn’t say
I told you so
when he looked back at me shivering and teeth chattering. Once I started to feel the warmth from the heater, my shaking subsided, and my stomach growled.

“Can we stop and get breakfast, Daddy?” 

“In a while, Sarah. I want to get further down the road. You go to sleep, and I’ll wake you when we get to the next town.”

Oh no! Not that trick again
!
I couldn’t do anything about being wet and cold, but I wouldn’t let him starve me! So, back to playing his game, I lay down, determined to stay awake until I had food in my stomach. I fought sleep as long as I could, but finally I lost the battle, and dreamed of Judy, and Mama, and Daddy when we were together as a family. 

I awoke with the sun shining on my face, and my clothes were dry. I sat up just as he turned into the restaurant parking lot. I didn’t know how long I slept, but I sure was hungry.

All the waitresses were old, so Daddy wasn’t interested in them. He whispered, “I can do better than these old hags. They all look like they’ve been rode hard and put away wet!”

He laughed, so I laughed with him.

Daddy had his usual bacon, eggs, toast, and coffee, but I was starving. I had a cheese omelet, pancakes, and a bowl
of cereal. I ate it all, too! After eating, he told me to stay in the booth and when he got back, I could go to the bathroom while he paid the bill.

We left, unnoticed. 

Daddy wasn’t saying much, but now and then he’d look back and smile. Bored, I looked out the side window. There wasn’t much to see except a few cows or horses occasionally, but I didn’t have anything else to do.

Then I saw the sign:
Leaving Kansas
. 

I was listening to the country music on the radio when Daddy turned the volume down, and said, “Sarah, I have something to tell you. Sit up here and listen.” 

I sat on the edge of the seat and waited for him to begin. 

“At the diner I called home and I have some bad news. There was an accident and your mother died in a hotel fire. She’s dead, Sarah.” 

I looked at him in numbed horror for several moments, and when I spoke, my voice was only a whisper. “Mama is…dead?” He nodded, and my eyes burned as tears started to swell up.

“No, Daddy.” I shook my head back and forth, then yelled, “No!” And with each word my voice got louder and louder as I screamed, “It’s gotta be a mistake, Daddy! It’s gotta be! Mama can’t be…she can’t be…dead!” 

“Yes, Sarah, she is. She burned in the fire. We won’t be going back there again.” 

Every word he spoke was in a matter-of-fact tone with no emotion at all. I began to cry which shortly turned into uncontrollable sobs. I’d already lost Judy, my home, and now Mama. What if I lost Daddy, too? I’d be all alone!

“Daddy, are you gonna leave me?” I asked between sobs.

“Of course not, Sarah. We’re a team. I’ll always be with you, baby. Just you and me, forever and ever.” Glancing back at me, he smiled, then continued, “It’s only the two of us from now on, Sarah, so you’ll have to be Daddy’s big girl and take your mama’s place in my life, as well as being my little girl. Do you understand, Sarah? Can you do that for Daddy?” 

His eyes glistened like dancing stars as he spoke, but I felt too sad to think about anything except Mama, and he asked again, “Sarah, can you be Daddy’s big girl and take care of me like your mama did?”

Of course, I didn’t understand what he asked of me, but I agreed to take care of him, and with a big smile, he looked at me then turned the volume up on the radio again. For once, I didn’t care about food or anything else. I just wanted to sleep until the pain inside went away. I felt more sadness than I ever dreamed possible in my short three years, but I didn’t know that was only the beginning of much more misery—and pain. 

We never spoke of Mama again, and after a while I didn’t cry anymore for Mama, or Judy, or my home. There was nothing left, and time had begun to erase any memories of my life back in Lubbock. 

Daddy mellowed a lot after he told me about the fire and Mama dying. I didn’t understand why, but the farther we got from Texas, the more relaxed he became. Unless he pulled into park-like areas to rest, or those rare stops at a diner, we were always on the road.

Most of the time we’d get burgers and fries at drive-thru places, but I didn’t care. I was just glad he wasn’t yelling anymore and had started feeding me somewhat regularly.

I’d
usually
get to eat once a day, or at least every other day! 

Daddy promised to get me new clothes and a coat very soon, and he said he’d tell me how to get anything we wanted—anytime we wanted—and we wouldn’t even need money. Then, he laughed so hard tears rolled down his cheeks.

I didn’t know what was so funny, but I liked hearing Daddy laugh again.