She was confused. “What?”
“No. I’m not gonna tell you what we have. You know. You tell me what’s missing. Seems like that’s the important thing right now—what makes you want to leave. What we don’t have. What’s not right?”
“Isaac, it’s not that simple.”
“Maybe it is. Or maybe it’s not. Maybe we can’t fix it. But I don’t even know what’s wrong. Will you give me a chance?”
“After today, you have to know what’s wrong. You’re not stupid.”
“Yeah. I know. I was an ass. Show called me on it, too. You’re both right. I’m not giving you enough credit. But Lilli—” He paused, his eyes shifting as if he were tracing a thought as it moved through his head. “I
know
how capable you are. Shit, Sport, I’m in awe of you. I know I was coming off like I think you’re weak, but it’s not true.”
“Then why all the orders? Why are you trying to force me behind you?”
“Not what I was—look.” He stood, still holding her hand, and gently pulled. “Come with me for a second.” She let him pull her to her feet, and he led her into the kitchen and turned on the light.
Everything was just as she left it—chopped vegetables on the floor, chairs overturned, big knife on the floor, and blood, streaked on the walls and cabinets, and a small puddle in the middle of the room, now smeared, with tiny reddish-brown pawprints all over the kitchen. She hadn’t really seen all this when she was in the thick of it. She hadn’t seen how it looked.
“I came home to this, and you were gone. No call, no note. Ellis and the Northsiders are out there, Sport. I saw all this and you gone, your car here, and
Nah, she’s just on a run
is not a sentence that went through my head. I don’t know what happened here, and now I don’t even care. But when I came in here earlier, I thought I’d lost you.” Turning to face her, he framed her face with his hands. She loved the rough and gentle feel of his palms on her skin. His touch felt like love to her.
“I wish I could explain how bad it felt to think I’d lost you. And it’s not the first time. I know you hate to talk about it, but seeing you in that deer blind—”
“Don’t, Isaac. No.” She hated more than anything else the memory of lying there, first at Hobson’s feet and then in Isaac’s arms, her life draining away, barely able to move at all, subject to the will of others. Nothing left to her but her silence. She tried to pull away, but he held on, sliding his palms down her arms to take her hands in his.
“I know. It’s just—you made everything different for me, Lilli. I see everything different. What I want in my life is different. The thought of losing you undoes me. I’m not used to feeling like this. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t know how to deal with the kind of fear I felt today, and that other day, and all the days in the hospital before you woke up. I know you’re not weak. I know you hate weakness. But Lilli,
I’m
weaker without you. Part of me wants to keep you in a little box where nothing bad can get to you, but I know that’s not you. That’s not the woman I love. I just—I want to do right by you. I want you safe.”
Faced with the disaster in the kitchen, everything that had happened earlier in the night made a great deal more sense. A lot of this was her fault. What else should Isaac have thought? The kitchen looked very much like a fight had occurred. And one had—but it was Lilli versus her own head.
“I’m sorry, Isaac. I didn’t realize how this looked. I’m sorry I scared you. And you’re right. It wasn’t smart to run in the dark and not tell anyone where I was. You’re right. You were a caveman tonight, but I was thoughtless and reckless. Let’s call it even?”
Smiling, he lifted her hand and kissed it. “Absolutely. But there’s something else going on, Sport. You’ve been different, and it feels like it’s been gettin’ bigger. I think that’s why we had this derailment today. I think it’s why you want to go.”
She didn’t really have anything to lose, did she? She was already half-packed. “Okay. Can we sit again?” He nodded and, still holding hands, they went back to the faded damask sofa.
Not knowing how to start, she stared at a large cabbage rose on the back of the sofa. Isaac sat quietly next to her, waiting. She loved him for that, for giving her time to think what to say. “Remember when I told you that I didn’t know what to make of myself, or my life now? How staying in town made that harder, because I couldn’t even have my own name?” The sensitive nature of her contract work required a secure identity. She was here in town as Lilli Carson, though her true name was Accardo. Staying in Signal Bend meant giving up her name permanently.
Isaac nodded. “I remember.”
“Your solution was to ask me to marry you. To take your name.”
He nodded again. “That’s not why I want to marry you, though.”
“I know. But Isaac, everything in my life here is yours. I don’t have anything.”
His eyes went wide. She knew he’d been trying, but she was surprised by his surprise. She wondered what he thought about their life these past few months, and she realized that he had everything he wanted, except getting her pregnant. Maybe he hadn’t seen what she didn’t have.
“Lilli, what?”
“Your great-great-whatever grandfather built this house. The walls, the floorboards, the furniture is all Lunden. How many Lunden asses have sat on this sofa? How many Lunden women have cooked in that kitchen? When I’m cleaning out the planting beds in the yard, I’m wondering whether I’m pulling up the remains of a plant your grandmother seeded. The town is yours. People in town know me as yours. People introduce themselves to me with ‘You’re Ike’s woman, right?’ or ‘Hey—you’re Ike’s old lady.’ Isaac, I don’t know where
I
am in all this.
I’m
what’s missing.”
They’d been holding hands the whole time she’d been speaking, and his hand had tightened steadily around hers until, now, it was hurting a little. Plus, he had hold of the hand with the cut finger, and she was pretty sure that was bleeding again. But she said nothing.
“Baby, I will burn this house down tonight. I don’t care. I don’t. You know growing up was shit for me. I don’t have many good memories in this house. My home is with you. We can build a new one. We can move to another house—plenty of empty ones available. If you don’t want to take my name, we’ll figure out a way to get yours back. I want to marry you, but I don’t care if you’re a Lunden, if you don’t want it. None of it matters.
You
matter. Tell me what you want, and I will make it happen—no. No. I’ll get out of your way while you make it happen.”
“And if I don’t know what I want?”
“Then I’ll get out of your way while you figure it out. Just—stay with me. Let me be part of it. If you love me.”
She felt tears coming, and she closed her eyes to hold them off. She had expected him to feel guilty, or conflicted, or even to fight her. But he was all in. It humbled her. “Nothing in my life is like I thought it would be.” She met his eyes. “I’m scared.”
He laughed, a tired, ironic huff. “Oh, Sport. So am I.” Bending toward her to brush a gentle kiss across her lips, he asked, “We okay?”
“Yeah. I’m sorry.”
“Me too.” He smiled. “Wanna make it up to each other?”
CHAPTER FIVE
He was exhausted, mentally and physically. Just exhausted. As soon as the danger had passed, at the sound of Lilli’s voice saying they were okay, relief pushed through Isaac’s veins and brought fatigue in its wake. But it didn’t matter. They were okay. She wasn’t leaving. She was in his arms, he was in hers, and she was soft and pliant. The fight was over. And she was still here. He dropped his head to her shoulder. He wanted to take her to bed, but he needed a minute.
She nudged her head against his. “Hey, love. Can I have a raincheck on the making up? I’m
starving
.”
Laughing, he lifted his head and looked into her beautiful grey eyes. They were bright, sparkling, and her smile was sweet and calm. The storm had passed. He’d come so close to losing her. He didn’t think he’d ever been on the emotional ride he’d been on this whole damn day. “Yeah, Sport. We should eat.” He checked the old clock on the mantle—fuck, it was late. “Nothing’s open. You in the mood to cook?”
With a gentle push, Lilli slid out from his hold. “Nope. I have a better idea. Come with me.” She held out her hand, and when he took it and stood, she led him into the kitchen.
“Fuck. I keep forgetting about this mess.” She bent down and picked up a leafy carrot top.
Isaac put his hand around her arm and pulled her back up. “Leave it for tomorrow.”
“But there’s blood, and vegetables everywhere. It’s gross.”
“It’ll still be gross tomorrow. It’s been here for hours. Blood’s dried. There’s nothing to hurt the cats. And it’s too damn late, Sport. Let’s just find something quick to eat and deal with this tomorrow.” He put his hand on her cheek. “That okay?”
She smiled. “Yeah. You pick up the chairs, and I’ll make dinner.” She skipped—she literally skipped—to the cabinets as Isaac went to the table and set the overturned chairs to rights. The butcher knife was on the floor—that
was
a possible danger, so he picked it up and put it in the sink. He saw that Lilli was collecting bowls and spoons. When she went to the far cabinet, he grinned and went to the fridge for the milk.
Standing before the biggest cabinet, both doors open, she asked, “You want Cookie Crisp, Peanut Butter Crunch, or Lucky Charms?”
“There enough Cookie Crisp for both of us?” Lilli was a sucker for sugary cereals. She acted like a giddy little kid about them. It was cute as fuck.
Now, she was giving him an contemplative eye. “I suppose I could share. With the right person.” She brought the box to the table.
“What’s it gonna take to make me the right person?”
With a saucy grin that did his heart inestimable good, she walked up to him. He put his hands on her hips, and she grabbed his shirt in her fists. “Kiss me like you mean it. Then we’ll see.”
“Oh, baby, I always mean it.” He bent down and kissed her. Like he meant it. She gave over to him completely, melting against him. He lifted her and set her on the table; his heart raced when her legs immediately circled his hips. Her tongue moving against his, her passion matching his passion, her breath mixing with his—there was something more, something bigger, in this contact, like the fight had released something that had been trapped between them.
She had his shirt open—he hadn’t even noticed her undoing his buttons, so intent he was on the feel of her tongue, her skin, her breath, his hands in her hair. But now her hands were on his bare chest, her fingers combing through the hair there, and he was going to fuck her right here. God, he was so hard. He was painfully bound up in his jeans and like to bust a seam.
He tore his mouth away, panting, his vision tunneled. “Thought you were hungry, baby.”
Her eyes were unfocused and heavy-lidded, her skin flushed. She laughed. “I am. I really am. I haven’t eaten since breakfast. I feel a little lightheaded, and not just ‘cuz you’re a sexy motherfucker.”
Last thing he wanted was for her to pass out. “Okay. We need to back it down, then.” He cleared his throat and stepped back to help her off the table. They sat, side by side at the big cherry table he’d made, and she poured them each a bowl of kid cereal. She had a system to maximize the number of little cereal cookies she could get in a bowl and still add milk. He watched her do her magic, feeling unsettled by the power of his love for her. He’d almost lost her. Jesus Christ. He couldn’t let that happen.
For a minute or two, they just ate, the only sounds of the room the crunch of cereal, the vaguely metallic chime of spoons against stoneware bowls, and the mewling tussle of the kittens who’d stirred from their sleep when Isaac and Lilli came in. Lilli bent down and picked up one of the kittens—a long-haired, calico one. Isaac figured he’d have to get their names straightened out eventually. This one was one of the girls, so Stella or Biddy. Apparently, they had housecats. He had a sneaking suspicion that some or all of these beasts would eventually be sleeping with them, an idea that didn’t thrill him. But he watched Lilli with this little furry moppet batting at her fingers, and he smiled. Her face was open and happy, and he knew three things. One—Lilli loved the kittens, really loved them. Two—he’d happily share their bed with cats as long as he was sharing it with Lilli, too. Three—Lilli was learning that she was a nurturer. He wanted her to know that. He wanted her to feel that. Because he wanted her to have his babies.
Another kitten—one of the black ones, so a boy—was climbing up his jeans. Instead of swatting it—him—back to the floor, Isaac picked him up and held it—him—in front of his face. He had a little white mustache. His bottom half dangling from Isaac’s hand, he seemed perfectly content. He yawned, making a little squeak. Yeah, they were cute. “Which one is this?”
Smiling, Lilli looked over. “That’s Pip. He has the milk mustache and the white belly. Tim has the paint-pot paws and white hairs in his ears. Dodger’s all black—and the biggest. This”—she touched noses with the bundle in her hands—“is Estella. She and Biddy have the same markings, but Stella has long hair.” He must have been making a face, because she laughed when she looked at him again. “You’ll figure it out. If you care to know.”
He looked at Pip. “I do care. And I think I got it now.” Something occurred to him, and he turned back to Lilli. “They’re yours, you know. They’re you. In this house.”
Setting Stella in her lap, she stared at him, her smile fading slightly. “Huh. Yeah, I guess that’s true. I hadn’t thought of it like that.”
The mom cat—Lilli had given her a Dickens name, too, but Isaac couldn’t remember what it was—walked over and stood up next to Isaac’s chair, putting her front paws on his leg and nosing at Pip. Oh, right—Miss Havisham. She was collecting her brood. Isaac and Lilli watched as she herded them all over to the sleeping pad Lilli had set up for them. The kittens didn’t nurse any longer, but they still slept in a pile on and around their mom. Stella was the last in. She didn’t come until mom meowed. Isaac had never paid any attention to all this before, and he found it hilarious. He laughed out loud, earning himself a baleful glare from momma cat.