Authors: Jack Rinella
Some might comment that it is the slave who must satisfy the master, as is certainly the case. Doing so, on the other hand, in no way diminishes the fact that the slave must experience satisfaction in the relationship as wel . An unsatisfied slave wil quickly find ways to end the relationship, even if ending it is a subconscious motive.
Since satisfaction is an internal feeling, only you can define what 27
satisfies you. As you seek a partner, review your feelings about time spent with them, even if it’s in a chat room or via email. Does interacting with them make you feel good when it’s over? Are you glad to have spent time sharing with them? Once you meet in real time, is that time wel spent, enjoyable, and fulfil ing? Remember you’re doing this for your mutual satisfaction so be sure you get what you are seeking.
Empowerment
As is true of al healthy relationships, masters and their slaves help each to attain their goals, be they personal, career, financial, etc.
It is certainly the duty of the master to lead his or her slave into the ful ness of their potential. What is less known, but just as important, is that it fal s to the slave to empower their master to greatness as wel .
For example, if you believe that I contribute anything to the BDSM community at large by my writing or my public speaking, let me remind you that I am empowered to do so by the service provided me, day in and day out, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, twelve months a year, by my faithful slave Patrick.
His care for my health, home, and happiness leaves me free to write, to travel, and to speak. I live, after al , as much off his income as mine. My health insurance is provided by his employer, not mine.
I would be loathe to be away from home as much as I am, in service to kinky folks across the continent, if there weren’t someone at home keeping the fires burning, so to speak, until I return. Because of his attention to cooking, cleaning, laundering, and the like, I am free to spend time writing, traveling and speaking. I have no cares when it comes to a welcoming meal upon my return. When I leave I know that the dirty clothes from the last trip wil be clean and ready for my next one.
I have similar responsibilities. I must know my slave and know wherein lies his potential and help him achieve it. Over the years, for instance, I have chal enged him to find a more satisfactory job. I have encouraged him to learn (and taught him some of it) web design. I have supported and applauded his desire to become active in one of our local leather clubs. For my part, he is free of the concerns of bil -paying.
There is, of course, more to the master/slave relationship than I have written of here. You wil find that there is caring, listening, loving, and sharing, just as in any other healthy relationship. Don’t get so caught up in the kink of the relationship that you ignore the very important human sides that each of you share.
Complementary Qualities
Having discussed some of the qualities that masters and slaves 28
share, I can now turn (albeit briefly) to those that are complementary, such as control and surrender, sadism and masochism, and initiative and response. These wil also be covered more ful y in later chapters.
Much like authority and obedience, the characteristics of control and surrender lend a practical dimension to the M/s relationship. In fact, the extent of control and the depth of surrender go far to express the quality of the relationship. Masters must be able to control themselves and exercise their control over their slave freely, though the means and extent of the actual control is a highly individualistic choice. Surrender, meanwhile, demonstrates the slave’s trust and commitment to his or her master. Not unexpectedly, the degree of surrender determines a great deal in the M/s relationship. The ful er the surrender the more intimate, exciting, and meaningful the relationship can be. Though surrender is the slave’s gift, it behooves every master to encourage it, especial y by being trustworthy.
We encourage surrender by letting it be known that we seek it, by noting it with gratitude, and by rewarding it. We also encourage it by our positive, caring, and accepting attitude of it and especial y by never abusing it.
Many people assume that M/s relationships are sadomasochistic.
That assumption is exactly the kind that one ought not to make, as SM need not be part of the M/s dynamic at al . Statistical y (where’s Mr. Gal up when you need him?) it is likely that SM does play a role between many, if not most, masters and their slaves. I’m just noting that it need not be so. If it is present it is often an expression of control and surrender. It also may very simply be a fun way for the M/s couple to play.
We most likely think of initiative as being part of the master’s role and that response belongs to the slave. In general that is true, though we have to keep in mind that initiative on the part of the slave, when it is in tune with the master’s desires, may be perfectly acceptable.
Likewise the master had better be responsive to the slave’s needs, or the slave wil look elsewhere to have those needs met. These topics wil be further covered in the chapters to come.
Patrick Reflects: A Yin-Yang Sort of Thing
I’ve always admired the concept of harmony and balance represented in the circular symbol of the yin and the yang. At their best master/slave relationships develop an interconnectedness that transcend the physical or emotional. They’re about redefining your life because another exists. You breathe because they do. This doesn’t happen overnight and you only recognize that it has become so after it has become a routine part of who you are. It’s very much like the 29
Chinese philosophy of interacting opposites, yin-yang, each of which has the seed of the other, each exists because the other does, each makes the other possible.
This comes about when what has driven you both to this relationship stems from the same expectations. We develop those long before we find a master but often don’t consider what they are until after the relationship has begun. While a relationship can overcome different expectations doing so is not easy, and a healthy relationship can’t exist if any of those involved feel cheated out of what they real y wanted.
It is far better to explore your expectations before hand so that you are more familiar with what they are. Then they can act as a guide in your search. Because of the uniqueness of each relationship, expectations wil vary and wil change in importance as the relationship develops but they have to be acknowledged before they can change.
I’ve seen it occur many times. A slave finds that things are not how they expected them to be. The way you are dominated makes it difficult to breathe. The authority is too strict or too lenient. Responsibility isn’t taken or given. Trust seems to have unequal values. A sense of security is not there. You thought there’d be more bondage or you expected more of a social life than you have. A master/slave relationship won’t be an egalitarian relationship but it can be a fulfil ing one if expectations are satisfied. Having a clear sense of your expectations will allow you to communicate them and have them addressed in positive and satisfying ways.
When I applied to be Sir’s slave it was only after I had a clear sense of what I wanted out of the relationship. There were many things I didn’t consider: I hadn’t considered the possibility of other slaves being in the relationship or for that matter that my master would have a lover or a master of his own. I hadn’t considered how public the relationship would be or how often visitors would come and go. Al of these were things I faced early on. But I had considered what would be important to me, and when faced with these and other situations I was easily able to adapt because the things I had held as important were also part of the experience.
We clicked right off, but this was, in part, that I had spent a lot of time preparing myself for this change in my life and also because Sir was somewhat of a known quantity to me. I’d read his book,
The Master’s Manual,
and the columns he wrote for
Drummer
and
International Leatherman.
Having done so gave me clues to his style of dominance. His reputation in the leather community ensured a certain trustworthiness and responsibility.
Beyond the initial chemistry we clearly enjoyed the fact that we 30
were able to effectively communicate what we felt we wanted and this al owed us to quickly strip away the unimportant and work on those things about which we needed to reach agreement. Does it work this way for everyone? No, general y not, but the approach is sound and if you can keep from getting lost in the fantasy of slavery you can focus on the things that wil lay the foundation for a similar confidence.
Our lifestyle is a puzzle to the outsider. They don’t understand what it is that makes it interesting and satisfying for us and it isn’t necessary that they do. Ultimately the people we can count on wil move beyond the puzzle and tag it in a way with which they can deal. In any case their acceptance is far more important than their understanding.
This acceptance wil come once they see the magic of your dance and the sense of fulfil ment it brings to both of you.
After Reading Activities
Using your journal, write a 1,000 (or more) word essay describing your future life as a slave. What do you do? Where do you live? What do you say? What is required of you? How does it feel? Let your imagination go wild. Make sure you save what you have written for later.
Write your reflections on the questions found at the beginning of this chapter: How do I have to change to be what I want to become?
How wil you be different when you are a slave? What actions and decisions wil in fact transform you from who you are now to what you seek to become?
Use your journal to write the names, email addresses, and phone numbers of possible references. Contact them for permission to use them as such. Assure them of your discretion.
If you don’t have any references, what can you do to create (find) them? Ask people at your next munch, club meeting, or party what they do about referencing. Use their answers to develop a list as to how you wil develop references for yourself.
Pretend that you have received an email from an applicant who says that he has felt betrayed by people he has met on-line and would like some assurances that you are a trustworthy person. Write a letter in your journal that you think wil al ay his fears by proving that you are trustworthy. Show it to a friend and ask for comments.
31
Copies of
Becoming a slave
may be ordered at
http://www.leatherviews.com
32