Authors: Jack Rinella
Masters have the responsibilities of chores, employment, and life in general. Just because our stories often take place in the dungeon doesn’t mean that the rest of the week doesn’t look like anyone else’s week. There are appointments to be kept, bil s to be paid, and the usual array of necessary chores that are part of most everyone’s life. The vast majority of us have to work for a living and have the same problems, concerns, and chal enges as any other human on this planet.
I once met an attractive young man at the Eagle, a Leather men’s bar in Chicago. During our conversation he told me he was new to Leather and in fact this was the first time he had ventured out in his new kinky attire. Like each and every one of us when we were newbies, he was stil feeling his way around our subculture, exploring and experimenting, trying to find out what we were real y al about.
In that conversation he indicated that he didn’t want his involvement in Leather to interfere with the rest of his life, especial y his employment. There was this unstated reluctance to throw away everything he was and did in order to be kinky, as if being kinky meant that he would wear chaps and a harness to work. In due time, of course, he wil learn that each and every one of us maintains appropriate priorities and decorum, knowing when, where, and how to act according to truthful, honest, and mutual y acceptable norms.
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The fact of the matter is that we are human in every situation and living an alternate lifestyle does not diminish our humanity. We are doctors, lawyers, teachers, parents and spouses. We are students, unemployed, laborers, clerks and salespeople. We are young and old, ethnical y, religiously, cultural y, and racial y diverse. When you leave out the kinky aspects of our lives, we fal on the bel curve of humanity in the same way as any group of humans. We spend the largest part of the 168 hour week in the same way as any other people do: we sleep, eat, wash, work, and attend to a myriad of domestic, social, and employment obligations.
The daily drudgery of life has no place in hot fiction and steamy porn. Hence much of our master/slave literature misrepresents our reality. That’s not to knock it. Literature is meant to distract, amuse, delight, and give pleasure. In the same way, we look for dungeons, play spaces, and bedrooms to be places for relaxation, pleasure, and renewal. Our goal is, after al , to have fun. We don’t want to have the burdens of laundry, dusting, and dishes interfere with a good scene and passionate sex. Happily they need not.
Every once in a while, though, it’s good to remind ourselves that our lives are lived on a real planet in a real world and to assure all who seek us out that we are safe, sane, and consensual, that we are part and parcel of humanity’s totality.
It’s helpful, too, to remind ourselves of our humanity, lest we blame our faults and foibles on the fact of our kinkiness. The pest at our munch is probably a pest at home and at work as wel . Those among us who are social y awkward, to put it nicely, in the dungeon are most likely to be the same everywhere else, though they may be more comfortable there than we are having them there. Sure our sexual expressions vary from the norm, whatever that means, but for the most part we are no different than our neighbors, co-workers, and the families that raised us.
Life as an adult brings responsibilities and being in a D/s relationship wil not remove them, in spite of what one may wish in their fantasy life.
Trustworthiness
Important as trust is in al relationships between humankind, it takes on a greater importance in our kinky relationships. After al who’s going to let themselves be tied up by someone they don’t trust?
Trust is “confidence in the ability, reliability, and veracity of a person.” In that regard it is easy to see that there are various levels of trust, just as there are degrees of confidence, such as “I think,” “Maybe,”
“Possibly,” “I know,” “I’m sure,” and “I’m certain.” The greater the degree 23
of confidence, that is the more you trust me, the more you wil al ow me to do something or the more you wil believe what I say. Complementing trust is surrender. The more you feel you can trust me, the more deeply you wil surrender to me and to the scene or relationship in general.
Trust says as much about ourselves as it does about the person we are trusting. A novice to the scene, whom I’l cal Chuck, and I once spent three hours talking about his confusion. Seems he couldn’t make up his mind about SM. It was a long time fantasy that he had never fulfil ed. He just couldn’t decide what to do. Unfortunately, this was not a minor problem. In fact, he couldn’t make up his mind in many areas of his life. Should he move to a better neighborhood? Go back to school?
Find a better job? And if he finds an answer, how wil he know it’s the right answer?
So I began talking about trusting yourself. “Isn’t it a matter of trusting others, not yourself?” he asked. “Not entirely,” I replied. Trusting someone else first depends upon trusting one’s own perceptions and conclusions. Confusion sets in not only because we don’t trust others, but because we don’t trust our own ability to decide who is trustworthy.
To find someone to trust, we’ve first got to have faith in our being able to do so. The part of trust that matters is in oneself, since correctly knowing when and whom to trust is important.
Notice that there is nothing vague about trust. With the use of that trait we are noting our partner’s ability, reliability, and veracity. The first, ability, speaks to one’s technical proficiency; the second to their commitment; the third to their truthfulness. Each of these qualities, of course, are related. Some folks, for instance, who are relatively unskil ed wil exaggerate their abilities. Exaggeration implies a lack of truthfulness. We can, for instance, make some kind of a promise, break that promise and endanger whether someone trusts us.
It’s not just bottoms who have to trust nor only tops who have to be trustworthy. This quality applies to both equal y. Bottoms, after al , can rip off a top --- I once had a slave applicant talk me into buying him an expensive airplane ticket to Chicago. In the final analysis he real y wanted a ticket to travel to IML, not to my dungeon. In less expensive scenarios, tops have to trust that their bottoms wil give good feedback about a scene, both during and after it. I have to trust that my slave applicant is real y serious in his negotiations with me. He, too, has to know that I am tel ing the truth.
Becoming trustworthy, like most of life, is a process. Trusting is the same. In both cases, trust must be earned. I know some masters demand it before it’s deserved, but it’s my humble (OK, not so humble) opinion that these folks are the last ones we should trust. They are using bravado when trustworthiness is necessary. It is trust that proves 24
itself that increases trust and builds confidence in the other.
There is a risk in al of this. I can only note that if one doesn’t take calculated risks then there can never be any progress. It is as simple as nothing ventured, nothing gained. On the other hand, by moving slowly, risk can be limited and the potential for failure significantly reduced. Please note, though, that moving slowly is very different than not moving. Taking a calculated risk is different than taking no risk at al .
How do we decide that we can trust someone? Experience is certainly the best teacher. By living, risking, trying, trusting, and failing, we learn to trust, both ourselves and our applicants. Successful trust, of course, builds more trust. On the other hand it is often the case that even the smal est experiences of untrustworthiness can imperil the trust that took weeks, months, or years to build.
Having experience with a person’s trustworthiness builds more trust. It is as simple as that. For that reason I give smal , noncommittal tasks to applicants, testing them to see if they can do what I ask. If they agree and don’t fulfil , that’s a sure sign of their un-trustworthiness. It may not end the conversation, but I wil certainly chal enge their ability to fol ow directions and gain my trust.
So I ask a slave applicant to send me a picture. When I get the picture I know that there is the beginning of a relationship. Later I may ask him to find out the fare and schedule for an airplane ticket to visit me. When he responds with an answer promptly, my trust in him increases.
Experience, happily, isn’t the only way that trust can be earned.
Many of us are trusted simply on our reputations -- an excellent reason to take care that our reputations never become tarnished.
Even association can make or break trust. Patrick, for instance, almost ignored my ad searching for a slave, since he held the magazine in which he read it in such low esteem. Fortunately my other writings spoke more loudly in my favor.
References, too, can help you to both gain someone’s trust and to demonstrate their trustworthiness. It is a shame that we don’t use references, and check them, as much as we once did. To many people, getting references seems nearly impossible but that is most likely because they have an exaggerated idea of what it means or haven’t made the effort to have experiences with those who can later serve as references. A reference is simply one who can vouch for stated facts about you, perhaps someone who has seen you flog another or who has flogged you. We are only looking for one or two individuals who can affirm that you are who you say you are and that you are a safe individual. It need not even be someone in the scene, though a 25
fel ow player is probably to be preferred. Anyone who knows you and wil comment on your character wil do. That is at least a start and if they know your character from experience in the scene, that’s al the better.
Observation is another way to determine someone’s trustworthiness. By observation we can note their abilities. We can see whether or not they keep their promises. Are they, for instance, prompt in doing what they say they wil do? Can you rely on them in the small things as wel as the large? Have you noted their truthfulness, their open-ness, and their manners? How free are they with information about themselves, their experiences, and their past relationships? People who have something to hide are usual y not to be trusted, even if they reveal their secrets to you. After al , if they are cheating on their wives, they’l probably not hesitate to cheat on you. If they can rationalize away a white lie, they’l find reasons to excuse their black ones too. Even those who may have integrity in one part of the life can be dishonest in other areas, such as the accountant who keeps books honestly but cheats on his wife.
I would add that the use of a “screen name” is not inappropriate as it provides a method of protecting one’s privacy. Once a real dialogue is begun, though, it is probably best if real names be revealed, with the clear understanding that they not be misused.
That’s not to say that a trustworthy person tel s al . Privacy and discretion are valuable. There is a difference between privacy and secretiveness. Trusting, after al , implies mutual trust. The guideline here is that each partner should look for and give the amount of trust that is appropriate to the relationship and its longevity and seriousness.
A one-scene partner needs much less information than one whom I am asking to move in with me. As I wrote earlier, there are levels of trust and we need only look for that level which is appropriate to the stage or intensity in which our relationship finds itself.
Sometimes, of course, we have to extend a little trust with the hope that it we wil not be taken advantage of because we have done so. We also have to take ability into account here, as a person may be trustworthy yet over-estimate their own abilities to perform that which we trust them to do. Others ought not to push their trust in us past our abilities either.
Trust grows and it is the task of both participants to nourish it.
It continues to grow, even after a relationship is mature. Likewise trust demands life-long care, lest the time come when our trust is diminished by the smal darts of daily living.
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Security
Like trust, the ability to inspire security is a necessary quality in M/s relationships. It is only by feeling secure that we can reach the levels of intimacy that are so necessary to a happy life. Rate, therefore, how secure your applicant (whether they be seeking slavery or mastery) makes you feel and make real efforts to increase their sense of security with you.
Though this sense of security is probably more obviously a bottom’s requirement, it is not one-sided. Both partners need to make the other feel secure in what is happening, be it in a scene or in a relationship. For that reason threats, even when made in jest, are dangerous because they can reduce one’s feeling of security. Look for ways to make your applicant or your partner feel more secure, not less. It is only then that you wil help him or her relax and enjoy what you are sharing.
Security, of course, is another word for safety. Does your applicant make you feel safe by his or her actions or do they give you a sense of apprehension or misgiving? If your correspondence with a person doesn’t make you feel safe, then you need to seriously consider ending the dialogue. Likewise you need to be sure that your actions make your applicant feel safe and secure as wel .
Again this advice is sometimes not practiced. There is this myth that masters ought to keep their applicants guessing, that insecurity on the slave’s part increases their ability to control. That couldn’t be further from reality. Dominants who hide, deceive, or threaten in order to get what they want are probably not capable of entering into successful, satisfying M/s relationships.
Satisfaction
We probably don’t give satisfaction the consideration it deserves.
No one enters or stays in a relationship unless it satisfies. OK, many people seem to stay in apparently unsatisfactory relationships for many reasons but that is no reason to ignore the need for mutual y beneficial relationships. Applicants on both sides of the dynamic need to find ways and have the wil ingness to satisfy their partners and enjoy doing so. Of course how each is satisfied may be entirely different but that each one knows and enjoys the benefits of the relationship remains important.