Beauty for ashes: receiving emotional healing (19 page)

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and to enjoy all the blessings God desires to pour out upon them.Ask yourself: "Am I wearing my ring on my eye, or my shoes on my hands?" If you are, no wonder you are miserable and lacking in joy.

In the third chapter of John's gospel, the disciples of John the Baptist came to him and reported that Jesus was beginning to baptize as John had been doing and that now more people were going to Jesus than were coming to John. This message was carried to John in a wrong spirit; it was intended to make him jealous. The disciples who brought the report were obviously insecure and being used by the devil in an attempt to stir up some wrong feelings in John toward Jesus.

John answered, "A man can receive nothing [he can claim nothing, he can take unto himself nothing] except as it has been granted to him from heaven. [A man must be content to receive the gift which is given him from heaven; there is no other source]" (John 3:27).

What John was saying to his disciples was that whatever Jesus was doing, it was because heaven had gifted Him in that way. John knew what God had called him to do, and he knew what Jesus was called to do. He also knew that a person could not go beyond his call and gifting. John was saying to his followers, "Be content." He knew that God had called him to be a forerunner for Jesus, to prepare the way for Him, and that when it was time for Jesus to come to the forefront, he had to become less visible to the people.

Here are John's words to his disciples in reply to their statement regarding the crowds who were flocking to Jesus: "He must increase, but I must decrease. [He must grow more prominent; I must grow less so]" (John 3:30). What a glorious freedom that John enjoyed! It is wonderful to feel so secure in Christ that we do not have to be in competition with anyone.

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Freedom from CompetitionThe apostle Paul wrote, "Let us not become vaingloriousandself-conceited, competitiveandchallengingandprovokingandirritating to one another, envyingandbeing jealous of one another" (Galatians 5:26).

Instead, Paul exhorts us to grow in the Lord until we come to the point that we can "have the personal satisfactionandjoy of doing something commendable [in itself alone] without [resorting to] boastful comparison" (Galatians 6:4).

Thank God, once we know who we are in Christ, we are set free from the stress of comparison and competition. We know that we have worth and value apart from our works and accomplishments. Therefore we can do our best to glorify God-not to try to be better than someone else.

Quite often people ask my husband or me what it is like for Dave to be married to a woman who does what I am doing. I am the voice on the radio, the face on the television; I am the one who stands on the platform in front of the people; I am the one who is most seen and talked about. In other words, I am the focal point of our ministry. Dave is the administrator, an important function, but a background position. His work is behind the scenes, not out front as mine is.

Our situation is unique in that it is usually the other way around. Generally, in a team effort, it is the man who occupies the focal position, while his wife works behind the scenes to help him. My husband happens to be secure enough that his sense of worth or value is not affected by what he does or does not do. In fact, he is so secure that (in obedience to the Lord) he has been able to help me be all that I can be in Christ. He is content to help me fulfill the call of God on my life, and, in the process, is fulfilling God's claim on his own life.

Dave's call and his position are certainly just as important as mine. They are just not as noticeable by the public. As

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administrator for the ministry, he oversees the finances, locates and contracts with radio and television stations interested in carrying our LifeIn The Wordbroadcast, carefully watches over all the stations that already carry our broadcast to make sure they are bearing good fruit, and handles all of our travel arrangements.At our meetings, Dave loves working behind the table where our teaching tapes are displayed, talking with the people, and ministering to them. I have asked him numerous times to share the platform with me, and his reply has always been the same, "That is not where I am supposed to be. I know my place, and I am going to stay in it." That is the statement of a mature, secure man.

People have a tendency to ask Dave, "Are you Joyce's husband?" He usually replies, "No, Joyce is my wife."

Dave fulfills many, many important functions in our ministry, but in summing up his role, he usually says, "I am called by God to be Joyce's covering, to get her where God wants her to be. I make sure she does not get hurt, and I see to it that she does not get in trouble."

Sometimes there are things I want to do that Dave will not allow because he feels that they are unwise or that the timing is wrong. I will not say that it is always easy to submit to his desires if they are not mine, but I have learned that his gifts bring balance to our lives and our shared ministry.

Dave wrestled with our situation for a couple of years in the beginning. Actually, he did not want to be in ministry at all. However, God showed him that He had given me the gift of teaching His Word. Dave says, "God did not ask me to submit to my wife, but He did ask me to submit to the gift He put in her." He says that God showed him that the gift was His and that by submitting to that gift and allowing me to do what He had called me to do, Dave was submitting to the Lord Himself.

Dave not only allows me to do what God has called me to

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do, he helps me do it. I consider it a great honor to be married to Dave Meyer. As far as I am concerned, he is the greatest man I know. He is also the happiest, most contented person I know.When I say that Dave is always happy, I mean it literally. He enjoys life to the fullest. I believe, and so does Dave, that this joy is a result of his submitting to God and not trying to become something that the Lord has not called him to be. He is not in competition with anyone. He is not trying to prove anything to anyone.

Securely Rooted and Grounded

My prayer from the beginning of this book has been for you to be "rooted deep in loveandfounded securely on love, that you may have the powerandbe strong to apprehendandgrasp with all the saints [God's devoted people, the experience of that love] what is the breadth and length and height and depth [of it]" (Ephesians 3:17-18).

When we are free from the need to compete with other people, we are free to help them succeed. When we really know who we are, we do not have to spend our lives trying to prove our worth and value to ourselves or to others.

Dave knows he is important to God, and so, what the world thinks of his position as compared to mine does not concern him at all. I believe that Dave's decision and life can be a testimony to many. There is much to be done in the kingdom of God, and it will best be accomplished if all of us work together in whatever individual capacity God assigns us.

Let us all lay aside jealousy, envy, competition, and comparison.Remember, these problems are rooted in insecurity. The good news is that we can be free from insecurity and, therefore, free from the problems it causes. Isaiah 54:17 says in

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part: "This [peace, righteousness, security, triumph over opposition] is the heritage of the servants of the Lord." That means that part of our inheritance as sons and daughters of God is security! Start spending your inheritance now.Rejoice for others and enjoy the contentment, satisfaction, peace, and joy that come from knowing that God loves you and views you as righteous and valuable through your faith in His Son Jesus Christ. Be firmly rooted in and securely grounded on His love for you.

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Emotional StabilityEarlier in the book I mentioned the term "addictive behaviors" to describe the types of behavior that can develop when a person has been abused and has a shame-based nature. In this section, I would like to deal specifically with what I call "emotional addictions" and how to break them in order to enjoy emotional stability.

In this context, anaddictioncan be defined as compulsory behavior, often in response to some stimulus, without conscious thought. People who have been hurt tend to react rather than to act. What I mean is that they tend to react out of their wounded emotions, rather than to act according to wisdom and the Word of God.

For many years, whenever I was faced with a situation or a personality that reminded me of the past, I responded emotionally, reacting out of fear instead of acting on faith. These types of incidents can be very confusing to the wounded victim because everything happens so quickly that he really does not even understand why he is behaving as he is.

For example, the person who abused me had a very strong,

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domineering personality. I was subjected to a lot of manipulation and control during my childhood. I decided and repeatedly promised myself that when I was old enough to leave home and get out on my own, nobody would ever control me again.In subsequent years, I had a warped view of authority. I saw all authority figures as my enemy. I was so fearful of being controlled and manipulated that when any person in my life tried to get me to do anything I did not want to do, I would react with rage or withdrawal. Often the incidents were very minor. Even a suggestion from someone that was not in line with my wishes could cause me to act strangely. I had no more understanding of my actions than anyone else. Logically, I knew I was behaving badly; I did not want to act that way, but I seemed powerless to change.

God began to teach me about emotional addictions, showing me that in the same way that people can become addicted to certain chemical substances in their physical bodies (i.e., drugs, alcohol, nicotine, caffeine, sugar), they can also develop mental and emotional addictions. Remember, anaddictionis compulsory behavior done without thinking it through. My violent reactions were basically my way of saying to others, "You are not going to control me!"

I was so fearful of being controlled that I overreacted to every situation, trying to protect myself when there was no real problem. The rage said, "I will not let you control me!" And the withdrawal said, "I refuse to get involved with you!" A person cannot get hurt if he refuses to get involved. Therefore, whenever anything painful occurred in any of my relationships, I either attacked it or refused to deal with it at all. Both of these types of behavior are out of balance and unscriptural; they only increase the problem of addiction by feeding it.

If a person is addicted to drugs, then the more drugs he

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takes, the more he is likely to need. The longer he allows his addiction to control him, the more it demands from him. Eventually it will consume him. The addiction must be broken. And that means denying the flesh the substance it is accustomed to, and going through the pain of withdrawal in order to get free of it. The same principle applies to mental or emotional addictions.Addicted to Worry and Reasoning

One of my mental addictions was worry. I worried and worried and worried. Even when there was nothing to worry about, I found something. I developed a false sense of responsibility always attempting to solve problems for which I had no responsibility or solution. I reasoned, figured, and lived in constant confusion.

As a result, my mind was continually filled with worry and reasoning. Although it made me physically and mentally exhausted and stole any hint of joy in my life, I could not seem to control it. Worry and reasoning were my automatic responses to any problem. Although my behavior was abnormal, it was normal for me because that was the way I had always reacted to problems.

The Word of God says, "Trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident) in the Lord" (Psalm 37:3). However, trust is not an easy thing if you have been abused. The people you trusted to take care of you did not do it; instead, they used you. They hurt you terribly, so you made a promise to yourself that nobody would ever hurt you again. You do not wait to discover whether others will hurt you or not; you simply put up walls of protection around yourself to shield yourself from harm.

One of the ways you protect yourself is by trying to figure out everything. If you can accomplish this, you think you

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have everything under control, and there are no surprises to upset you.When God began to work in my life, He showed me clearly that I was addicted to worry and reasoning, and that I had to give them up. If there was a problem in my life, and I was not trying to solve it, then I felt totally out of control inside. You must remember that I wanted to be in complete control of everything that was going on around me-that way I thought I would not get hurt.

I believed that I would take good care of myself, but I did not believe that anyone else would take care of me.

Deny Yourself

Jesus said, "If anyone intends to come after Me, let him deny himself [forget, ignore, disown, and lose sight of himself and his own interests] and . . . follow with Me [continually, cleaving steadfastly to Me]" (Mark 8:34).

As the Lord continued to work with me in His patient ways, He taught me that I could trust Him, and that I could believe He was working on my problem even when I was not. My part was to step out in faith and refuse to worry or reason. I had to deny my mind the addictive behavior it was accustomed to; as I did so, eventually I was set totally free from it.

I did have some withdrawal symptoms-feeling afraid, out of control, and even stupid, at times. (The devil will try anything to keep a person in bondage-even making him feel ridiculous.)