Beauty for ashes: receiving emotional healing (18 page)

For a long time I was filled with hatred and resentment. I was bitter, had a chip on my shoulder, and felt sorry for myself. I took out my feelings on everybody, especially those who were trying to love me.

You must remember that what you are full of, you also have to feed on. When you are filled with anger, bitterness, and resentment, not only do you poison other relationships, but you poison yourself as well. What is in your heart will come out in your conversation, in your attitude, even in your body language and voice tone.

If you are full of poisonous thoughts and attitudes, there is no way to keep them from affecting your entire life. Turn the business of debt collecting over to the Lord Himself. He is the only One Who can do the job properly. Align yourself with His

156

ways, and He will collect your debts and repay you for all your past hurts. It really is glorious to watch Him do it.I Am Willing, But How?

Write down all the debts you owe and all those owed to you. I am speaking of debts in the spiritual realm, not financial debts. Write across all of them, Canceled! Say aloud, "No person owes me anything, and I owe no person anything. I cancel all debts and give them to Jesus. He is now in charge of paying back what is owed."

If you have hurt someone, you can certainly tell that person that you are sorry and ask for forgiveness. Please do not spend your life trying to pay back others for what you have done to them-that is useless. Only God can make it up to them. Here is a practical example.

While I was raising my children, I was still having lots of emotional ups and downs due to abuse in my past. Having been hurt and not yet knowing God's ways of doing things, I ended up hurting my own children. I did a lot of screaming and yelling. I had a bad temper-and no patience whatsoever. I was just plain hard to get along with, and difficult to satisfy.

I laid down many rules for my children. I gave them love and acceptance when they followed my rules, and I got mad when they did not. I was not merciful. I did not realize that I was treating my children the way I had been treated as a child, which is what most people do who have been abused.

As a result of years of living in a war zone, my older son developed some emotional insecurity and personality problems. There always seemed to be a spirit of strife between us, and, in general, we just never got along with each other. Of course, after receiving the baptism of the Holy Spirit and studying the Word of God, I wanted to repair the damage I had done.I

157

wanted to make up to my son for the way I had treated him. You might say that I wanted to pay him back for the hurt I had caused.Realistically, I did not know how to repair the damage I had done. I apologized, but I did not know what else to do. For a while I fell into the trap of thinking that I should give him everything he wanted; after all, now I was in his debt. My son has a strong personality, and, at that time, he was not walking with the Lord. He learned quickly how to make me feel guilty. He was manipulating and controlling me emotionally, as well as trying to use my new relationship with the Lord to his advantage.

One day as I was attempting to correct him about his behavior, he responded by saying, "Well, I would not be this way if you had treated me right." My reaction was "normal" for me at that time; I retreated to another room to feel bad about myself.

However, this time God showed me something. He said, "Joyce, your son has the same opportunity to overcome his problems that you do. You hurt him because someone had hurt you. You are sorry, and you have repented; there is nothing more that you can do. You cannot spend the rest of your life trying to undo what has already been done. I will help him, if he will let Me."

I knew I was to tell my son what the Lord had told me. I did, and I made a decision that I would stop trying to pay him back. He went through a few rough years, but he finally got more serious with God and started on his own road toward healing and maturity. He is now the director of World Missions for our ministry, and also one of my good friends, as well as my son and co-laborer in Christ.

I really encourage you to examine this area in your life and allow God to recompense you. His reward is great. There is always a time of waiting where the things of God are concerned,

158

but if you will keep doing what you know God is asking you to do, your breakthrough will come. You will make mistakes; when you do, just repent and go on.When a baby begins to walk, he never does so without falling down many times. He just gets back up and starts again for his destination. Come to Jesus like a little child. He is holding out His arms to you-head in His direction. Even if you fall down often, get up and keep on going.

Before this chapter comes to an end, I would like to reiterate this point: Not only do we fall into the trap of trying to pay back people who have hurt us, but sometimes we take out our hurt on others who actually had nothing to do with causing it.

For years I tried to collect my emotional debts from my husband, just because he was a man, and I was in relationship with him. This is a widespread problem. Some women hate all men because some man hurt them. A boy who is hurt by his mother may grow up and spend the rest of his adult life hating and abusing women. This is a type of debt collecting. Please realize that such behavior does not solve the problem and will never provide an inner sense of satisfaction that the debt is finally taken care of. There is only one way to cancel the debt, and that is God's way.

159

Free to Rejoice with OthersA true indication of emotional healing is evident when one who has been abused can rejoice when others are blessed. In the previous chapters, we discussed the principle taught in Romans 12:14, which says, "Bless those who persecute you [who are cruel in their attitude toward you]; bless and do not curse them." But the Word of God also teaches us to "rejoice with those who rejoice [sharing others' joy], and weep with those who weep [sharing others' grief]" (Romans 12:15).

It is easy for abused people to be envious of those who have never suffered the way they have. But I feel it is important to encourage those who have been abused to rid themselves of envy and jealousy so they can enjoy complete emotional healing.

The Lord brought this need to my attention when I was ministering a word of encouragement to several people in a meeting.

160

Suddenly, my husband came on the platform because God had put a strong word in his heart that he needed to share. Dave said, "Five or six people just received a personal word from God through Joyce's ministry. But there is a room full of people sitting here who are jealous and thinking,I wish it had been for me."And he continued, "God plainly spoke to my heart and said to tell you, 'Until you can be happy for other people when they are blessed, you will never have these kind of things happen to you.'" It really affected people to see that they were jealous even over a word of encouragement that God had given somebody else.

We can envy the spiritual gifts another person has. I used to wish I could sing, and so I would listen to people with great voices and think, I wish Ihad a voice like that.

One day God said, "You know, I put that gift in other people for your enjoyment, not for you to resent that they have it and wish that you had it." He said, "I didn't put that gift in them for them; I put it in them for you."

In the same way, the gifts of God that are in me are for other people. My gifts give me responsibility and hard work, but what they give other people is enjoyment. So we are supposed to enjoy each other's gifts, and not be jealous. God put something in me for you, but He also put something in you for me, which really removes our need to be jealous of each other.

I believe that one of the major causes of jealousy is insecurity, which is a lack of knowledge of what it means to beinChrist.

The devil lies to us and tells us that other people are better than we are. He successfully deceives us with negative thought patterns such as:If I could just have what he has,or,If I could just be like her,or,If only I could do what they can do.We think that if we were like others, then we would be as "good" as they

161

are. This kind of wrong thinking causes us to become filled with jealousy and envy.One of the Ten Commandments is, "You shall not covet your neighbor's house, your neighbor's wife, or his manservant, or his maidservant, or his ox, or his donkey, or anything that is your neighbor's" (Exodus 20:17).

Tocovetmeans "to wish for enviously."11Envyis defined as "painful or resentful awareness of an advantage enjoyed by another joined with a desire to possess the same advantage."12To be jealous is to be "intolerant of rivalry;" or "hostile toward a rival or one believed to enjoy an advantage."13A jealous person does not even want others to have what he has. In other words, being as good as someone else is not enough to a jealous person. That does not satisfy him; he wants to be better than the other person.

The Old Testament Law stated that a person had to earn God's favor by perfection and by continually offering sacrifices to make up for his imperfection. This was impossible! If people worked and struggled hard enough, they might be able to keep the first nine commandments. But that tenth one- "Thou shall not covet"-they could not keep, because it had to do with the heart and desire of the individual.

To be righteous by the standard of the Law, a person was required to keep all of the Law perfectly. Keeping most of the Law was not sufficient. Therefore, all people were trapped by the commandment against coveting their neighbor's house or his servants or anything else he might have. This one commandment itself speaks loudly and clearly of just how desperately mankind needed a Savior. We human beings had to have help or we could never have hoped to stand clean before God.

Under the new covenant, every person's worth and value is based strictly on being "in Christ" by virtue of believing in Him totally as everything that individual needs. Christ is our

162

Righteousness. We are made right, not by having what someone else has, but by faith in Jesus. Understanding this truth brings a sense of security and completely eliminates the need to be jealous or envious.Parts of the Same Body

One of the best examples God has ever given me to get a point across came to me one day while I was teaching on jealousy. Use your imagination and think of this: I have one body, but it is made up of many different parts. Each of the various parts of my physical body is different. Each looks different, serves a different function, and has different capabilities. Some parts are more visible, while some are hidden and rarely ever seen. (In 1 Corinthians 12 the apostle Paul uses this same example by comparing the body of Christ to our physical body.)

My finger gets to wear a ring, and my eye gets the pleasure of seeing the finger wear that ring. However, the eye never gets to wear a ring. Now if the eye were to get jealous and begin to complain, and to want a ring of its own, and if God were to decide to keep the jealous eye happy by granting its request, just think what a mess my body would be!

If you were to take a ring from your finger and attempt to wear it on your eye, you would quickly understand this message. If the eye were wearing a ring, the head would have to be tilted upward in such a way that the eye could no longer give guidance to the rest of the body, because it would be unable to see.

Therefore, point one is that when we are trying to be something God never intended for us to be, it prevents us from fulfilling our God-given function in the body of Christ. Also if the eye were trying to wear a ring, it would be unable to enjoy seeing the ring on the finger, which is the pleasure God in

163

tended the eye to have. Remember: The finger gets to wear the ring, but the eye gets to see the ring. The eye was created to enjoy seeing what the rest of the body has been given.Point two is obvious: When a person is trying to be something he was not intended to be, it prevents him from the enjoyment that would be his if he would take his rightful place in the body and be satisfied with fulfilling the part God designed for him. I personally believe this is one reason so many people who are going to heaven are not enjoying the trip.

As I said, God dropped this example into my heart while I was teaching. He expounded on it by using hands and feet as a further illustration. Think of this: When my feet get new shoes, my hands are so glad that if my feet are not able to get the new shoes on without some help, my hands help my feet into their new shoes!

This is the way the body is supposed to act-no part being jealous or envious of another part. Each part knows that the Lord created it uniquely for a purpose. Each part enjoys the function it has been assigned in the body, realizing that in God's eyes no one part is any better than another.

Having a different function does not make one part inferior to another. Each part is free to enjoy its place and role and to help other parts when needed without any hesitation. The hand does not say to the feet, "Well, if you think I am going to help you get your new shoes on, you have another think coming! Actually, I think I should have shoes also; I am tired of only wearing gloves and rings. I want to have shoes of my own so I will be like you."

No! This is not the way the hands respond when the feet get new shoes and need help putting them on. And this is not the way we should respond when someone we know needs some help. We should be ready to give others all the help we can in order to see them become all they were intended to be