Authors: Megan Boyle


selected unpublished blog posts of a mexican panda express employee

© 2011 megan boyle





1st edition 11.15.11

ebook 3.15.13


muumuu house






everyone i’ve had sex with 








i am kind of a disgusting person 

i want to fall in love or something 





life without the internet 








every thought i had while walking to school 



embarrassing moments 








what xanax makes me feel like 

elevated self-esteem as a result of alcohol consumption 



my family on thanksgiving and most holidays 













unpublished tweets 





lies i have told


i could never be a sports writer, unless my assignment was to write 'sports sports sports sports sports' for three pages

what if humans played with cat toys the same way cats play with cat toys and some cubicle people snuck into the break room to play with cat toys and they got caught by their boss and they were all just looking at each other and the boss was like 'back to work, goons,' what if that happened?

here are some of my favorite things to feel:

—being kind of hot and drowsy with the sun beating down on your face, sitting in a lawn or park or waiting for someone in a car or something

—the way time doesn't exist when you're waking next to someone and you just roll around quietly in bed together and sometimes open your eyes

—standing in an extremely hot shower and being warm all over

—the thing that happens in your stomach when you're looking up at the stars and see a lot more than you thought you would

—being awake in the middle of the night and knowing life is still going on around you, but in a slightly different way

—being alone, but not lonely

—the way your body feels after swimming in the ocean. swimming in general, i guess. how you're always kind of warmly exhausted

—everything about wet grass in summer

—the night before leaving for a trip on an airplane


i feel pretty calm when i'm stoned lately

it feels like a massage

tonight i ate a lot of fried foods

there are helicopters outside

i wonder if my coworker knows i googled him and read his blog

i'm going to discourage that part of me

i'm stoned

this one time my ex-boyfriend and i drove to pennsylvania and thought we'd like to go up a mountain so we got lost and found one. we were always driving and getting lost and going to the country. i wonder if something

i forget

maybe i sound stupid right now


everything i touch is going to be a fossil someday

i wish cats could float around your head

i wish it were possible to change the gravity of certain objects

my dad still hasn't taken down his christmas decorations

i walked to his refrigerator and immediately unwrapped and ate a square of american cheese

if i drop a toothpick i'm pretty sure it will remain where it fell for three days

not sure what happens after that

tonight at work i lay on a stack of cardboard boxes

i looked at the metal bars in the ceiling and said 'i just want to watch movies all night'

a few minutes later a coworker walked to me and massaged my stomach

most cats just walk around without testicles every day


i am going to only drink lemonade for three days

i am going to dream of a giant fried chicken

i am going to write a text message and save it to drafts

i am going to fall asleep at 3AM with a pillow on my head


my mom is going to watch 'american idol'

my mom is going to heat up jenny craig food

my mom is going to think about getting a job but not get a job

my mom is going to fall asleep on the couch with her mouth half-open


my dad is going to smoke weed

my dad is going to make a smoothie with a raw egg in it

my dad is going to want to read a book but skim it instead

my dad is going to turn on his electric blanket and fall asleep with a towel on his face


my blood pressure rises during the period after sending a text message, before receiving a response

being sick feels like you're wearing someone else's glasses

today i ate a can of chicken soup, papaya, mango, theraflu

there is a party tonight

i want to stay in and bake cookies, i think

maybe i will bake cookies for the party

will smith is in 'men in black.' he is also in 'independence day.' people like to see will smith reacting to aliens. will smith is a visual manifestation of the suspension of disbelief it takes to imagine realistically interacting with aliens

my cat jumped in the toilet

the other day i hung out with harris for a long time

we ate at an indian lunch buffet, got stoned at my apartment, looked at the internet and played with my cats. then we were less stoned. then we were just kind of quiet

the sun was setting. we watched clouds from my couch and thought of shapes the clouds resembled. harris said one cloud looked like a dinosaur. i said 'i've never seen a dinosaur.' he laughed and said he loved me. i felt confused and tried not to react visibly

i walked to the gym while harris watched msnbc in my apartment. it was cold outside and i felt like i was floating. i was still a little stoned, paranoid, and felt detached from my body so i stopped exercising and walked home. harris and i laid on my bed and tried to figure out a rubik's cube. i kept telling him how to do it. he said 'fine, you try' and gave it to me. i put it down

he drove us to his parent's house. we talked with his mom and dad in the kitchen. his mom had made a lot of lasagna. his brother jake came home. jake had bought a lovebird, it liked to perch on his shoulder. we watched 'superbad' with jake and his mom. all of us laughed. after the movie jake realized his lovebird was missing and we couldn't find it. it was lost all night. we found it in the morning under someone's coat

harris and i went outside to smoke the resin out of my bowl. i had never done that. he said it would feel good but might give me a headache. i said it tasted like pencil shavings

inside we laid on separate couches and watched 'trekkies.' i started falling asleep near the end. harris said he didn't want to make me sleep on the couch, but if i slept in his bed with him, we'd have to 'behave ourselves'

his bedroom was probably 55 degrees. we laid with his small dog separating us. the dog stayed between us all night. the dog was warm. i thought about babies sleeping with parents

the next day he drove me to get my car from the mechanic's. we sat in his car, looking at my car. i said i wanted a coconut chocolate chip milkshake. he did too. we drove for 20 minutes in separate cars to the milkshake place

we drank our milkshakes in his car and made fun of people outside. i felt sick but didn't want him to know. he wanted to see my car so we sat in it and i gave him a tour of the interior. our conversations felt easy and natural both days we saw each other. i laughed genuinely several times and think he did too. he said 'i'll call you next time i have a vacation,' which probably means it will be awhile. i felt sad. i tried to think of something funny to say about vacations

fuck you sonic burger, for having ads on TV all the time but not existing anywhere near me

papa john's replaced the words in 'everybody have fun tonight (wang chung tonight)' with 'celebration around the world.' stupid


i want to own a warehouse that stores all the empty dolphin tanks and cigarette butts of the world

i want to make eye contact with a stranger and say 'fuck' in a way that makes them feel like i've caught them doing something shameful

i want my legs to be 50 feet long and i want to step on things and say 'oops' very sarcastically

i want to interrupt a game of magic the gathering by busting through a wall on a motorcycle

i want to delete everything from someone's computer except a giant microsoft paint picture of a dick that takes forever to load

i want to spill $75 in dimes on a linoleum floor and watch someone closely as they pick them up

i want to fall backwards into a pit of bioluminescent pokémon

i want to hang a piñata full of emotionally damaged lobsters between a high school and a pond

i want to stand in a room so crowded that no one can move without touching each other and i want everyone to fall asleep at the same time

i want to pull very long, multi-colored strings out of my brain and place them next to a bowl of doritos at a party


everyone i've had sex with

adam: i had a big fixation on him that lasted all of high school. it happened my first year of college, on leap year, 2004. i'm glad it was him. i was a little drunk so i don't remember feeling self-conscious during it, but in the morning i did. it hurt in an exciting way. there were a lot of awkward moments. i weighed a lot then, probably 165. we used a strawberry-flavored condom and my underpants said 'POW!' on them like a roy lichtenstein. one of the best kissers. it happened at a party which raised money for a hard cider home brewery. i bled on the sheets and he got them cleaned. nice person. terrible ex-girlfriend who he was still in love with. i was convinced this ruined my life for awhile, but i don't feel that way anymore

jake: i also had a crush on him in high school, based solely on physical attraction. if someone had told me in high school i would someday have sex with either of these guys, i wouldn't have believed it—not because they were 'out of my league,' i was just painfully shy and insecure and didn't really even talk to guys until my junior year of high school. jake didn't use a condom because i was on birth control and that shocked me. i used to think any time you didn't use a condom you automatically got pregnant. we hooked up periodically for a few years. never kissed me unless i asked

noah: we met in college. he was in acting school and had a fairy tattoo. one time we smoked weed under some train tracks and started rubbing each other's heads. he liked paul simon. sex was kind of routine but okay. mechanical kisser. we didn't use condoms. happened a few times

nick: we went to summer session at an art school together in high school, then ended up at the same college. he got in a car accident and died last year. i had a big crush on him but he didn't want to date me. we only had sex once, standing up in the laundry room. my friend walked in on us. it was his second time. we didn't use a condom. he told me i looked like a greek statue

jess: jess is a girl and she gave me my first orgasm from another person. we hooked up twice. we were really good friends. i wish we hooked up more. i wish we were still friends. it felt weird giving oral sex to a girl, like my head was above my body and it was surfing or something. i don't know how to describe it

ryan: ryan ‘got lucky’ because he hung out with jess and i one night and we had a threesome. he reminded me of frodo, i wasn't attracted to him. we didn't use a condom. we had sex for maybe three minutes. it only happened once. it wasn't good

derek: jess' ex-boyfriend. one night we talked until it was almost morning. we felt sleepy, started spooning, and eventually had sex. it felt dry and unmotivated, i remember thinking 'why am i even doing this?' we didn't use a condom. i don't think he came either. he said he owed me one. only happened once

mike: jake's brother. we were really good friends. one night on spring break we went to a bonfire in the woods and ate hot dogs. then we went to my house and watched 'return of the living dead' and 'night of the living dead,' i think. we sat closer until we were spooning, then touched each other's faces for a long time. he took off his glasses and asked when my parents would be awake. i said 'late,' and then it happened. it was really good, i was very attracted to him and he was a great kisser. i had a big crush on him for a long time. we've hooked up several times. i've had a few orgasms with him. no condoms. maybe once we used one

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