Xtreme Manly Man Force of Intense Badassery: Book One: The Fountain of Testoserone (36 page)

“I... You’re... You’re
wrong!”

“Am I? Humans made the need to be
oppressed to keep them in check. For that reason I rose out from
the darkness and began killing them. Humans then had the need for
protection, and made you; not that you are anywhere near my equal,
or anything. Is my logic really so wrong? Trust me on this; should
you, by some miracle, survive today, you will see that the problem
of humans cannot be solved, unless they are to die. You may try
your hardest to find peace somewhere in-between the blades of their
swords, but there is only enough room for hatred, fear, and
ignorance. What do you have to say to that?”

“...No, I know you’re
wrong.”

“Hmm?”

“You’re wrong because I exist. I am the
expression of the good in humans; that is my purpose! I will prove
you wrong, for all to see. Humans may be foolish by themselves, but
I’m here, science is here, technology is here. They made me to help
them, perhaps even to stop them. I don’t know yet, but I promise
you, I’m going to fix the problem. As you said, those four humans
would have killed each other if it weren’t for me, but now they
are... friends. I’m one of their friends too.”

“So you kept them from killing each
other? Would that not make you as controlling as an
Overlord?”

“There is such thing as good
control.”

“... I suppose you are correct there,
machine.”

“Whatever happens, they’ll live, and
I’ll change reality, the status quo. Anything that moves and speaks
has that power, but they choose not to because they’re afraid; I’m
not like them, and I’m not like you. So don’t give me your
regressive lecture about people needing to be owned, rather than
led, because honestly, I don’t give a single fuck about what an
inferior creature like you would think,” IMRM says, throwing down
the gauntlet. Chaos stares a moment with his persistent smile, and
nods.

“Very cute, machine. Honestly though, I
am tiring of our talk and your unlearned views. I think it is about
time I cut off the head start and began going for those ‘friends’
of yours,” the Dark Lord says as he raises his fists; it’s
terrifying to see Chaos preparing to kill things, one would feel an
ant would have a better chance against the underside of a man’s
boot.

“Not before you get through me,” IMRM
says as he raises his scythe. Chaos scoffs.

“Very well. I wonder just how superior
you are in comparison to me.”

On that, the two walk towards
one-another, ready to prove the other wrong.

CHAPTER THIRTY ONE: WHAT ARE YOU
DOING?! ONLY COWARDS RUN!

UDGD, HTO, Mr. Honkers, and SISY run
through the long hall of the ancient base, rushing through the
already-triggered traps and stairs carelessly. They escape out into
the open day, and rush towards the harnesses. After only a minute
or two more, they find the harnesses precisely where they had left
them, the Smashland flying fortress looming directly overhead. It
is at this moment that they are gripped by a manly, grim ultimatum.
Would they leave IMRM behind, or leave?

Mr. Honkers promptly attaches his
harness and pulls, sending him straight up. The other three look at
one another.

“Should we... leave him?” HTO says,
asking the obvious question. UDGD is quiet, but SISY is very
opinionated on the matter.

“HELL NO WE DON’T LEAVE HIM! WE NEED TO
GO BACK AND-”

“Swordsman, he distracted that guy so
that we could escape. Don’t waste the opportunity he’s given us,”
HTO says, hating to do it, but not wanting to die even more. What a
sissy. SISY pauses, looks over to the ruins, wishing Ace would
appear any moment with Chaos’ head on a pointy stick, and turns
back to Phillip.

“No, we can use those cannons on the
airship to help us. Just wait for Chaos and fire him down when he
comes!” SISY says, notably less pumped. HTO is about to shoot him
down, but UDGD speaks up first.

“That might work. Let’s get up there,
keep Honks from leaving without him, and get those cannons on the
ruins,” he says as he readies his harness. HTO hates the idea of
even being half a mile away from Chaos while flying in the air on a
fortress, but decides not to argue, and prepares the harness with
the other two. They all tug at their cords, and they are rapidly
raised into the air, and then into the fortress. They get there in
time to see Mr. Honkers awkwardly falling out of his
harness.

“Argh! Glad to see you scrubs decided
to join me. Right, Navigation-scrub?” Honks says as he stands up
and brushes off his interesting choice of what looks like purple
scientist attire. The air-fortress’ navigator, Hokair, presumes
that Honks is talking to him.

“Uh, well yes?” he answers as he moves
to help the other three out of their harnesses.

“Full speed to the nearest space
ga-”

“Hold up,” UDGD interrupts with an air
of Xtreme authority. Hokair gives UDGD his attention, preferring
him a good deal to Honks.

“Yes?”

“We ain’t goin’ nowhere till we’ve shot
down that asshole. Aim all the cannon’s ya’ can towards that
opening down there.”

“The one you all went into?”

“Yeah.”

“Got it!” Hokair says with a jaunty,
non-manly salute. As Hokair ruses off, a very furious Mr. Honkers
turns to UDGD.

“HOLY DWEEB! I KNOW YOU DIDN’T
JUST-”

ENGAGE!

UDGD offhandedly punches Honks across
the face, knocking him out-cold in one shot.

VICTORY!

“I sure as hell did,” he says bitterly
as he picks up Honks and turns to the others. “I’ll get him to the
infirmary, I ‘spose you two c’n watch what happens top-side,” UDGD
says, almost regretting punching Mr. Honkers for having to carry
him to rest somewhere proper... almost. SISY and HTO nod, go up
without a word, and appear in the upper fortress, overlooking the
ruins far below. The two, greeted with salutes from the various
rushing-by soldiers going to their battle-stations, look down to
the ruins, anticipating the exit of the next person from the
opening. The two watch carefully, and HTO speaks to SISY, neither
shifting his eyes from the dark entrance.

“Do you... Do you think
he’l-”

“Yeah, friend. He’s of a stronger sort
than you and I. I don’t know what he is, but for someone who
doesn’t follow Ree, I’d say he’s pretty damn great at keeping his
bleeding under control,” SISY interrupts and says, somehow certain
that IMRM will survive and come out of that opening any moment now.
HTO nods.

“Guess so. He’s definitely the manliest
man I’ve ever met,” Phillip says. SISY pauses a moment, thinking
about all the different ways one could categorize someone as
“manly”, and then nods. Even when compared to the hulking
monstrosity of testosterone and fire they had just slain, that
strange, masked man seems superior, calm amidst any
danger.

“Yeah. I’d agree. Think I’ll ask him
about how he does it after he gets out with Chaos’ head in his
hands,” SISY says, chalking IMRM to be more than he’s worth in a
fight. HTO admires SISY’s confidence in his comrade, but is a
little more realistic in his expectation. He’s almost certain that
IMRM won’t be coming out of there alive, and that after Chaos
emerges and they blow him to smithereens they’ll have the sad duty
of retrieving their friend’s obliterated corpse from back inside
the ruins. It just so turns out they’re both wrong.

Only a breath of a moment passes before
IMRM bursts out from the depths with Chaos right on his tail. SISY
and HTO stare down in awe as UDGD joins them.

“Damn, way faster than I thought,” UDGD
states lightly, watching the two below dash about at speeds
exceeding that of a horse. A soldier rushes up to the
three.

“Sirs! They’re now in range. Ready to
fire on your word,” the man says, saluting with a sort of
half-terrified eagerness. The three look to one another, seeming to
hold each-other’s council in higher regard than from when they
began their quest for the fountain.

“Risk letting Chaos board? It could
mean everyone’s lives on this ship.” HTO questions outwardly to the
other two.

“Heh, we can take him if we work
together. I’m sure,” SISY says with a smirk, really itching to have
a piece of this so-called #1 Criminal in the Omniverse. UDGD
pauses, looks over to the two below racing to the last cord, and
sighs.

“Pull up the last cord. Also begin
ascending, and head to the nearest space gate.” UDGD commands,
remembering the jumping ability of a certain someone. In his voice
there is a sort of solemn, manly calm, like he knew the perfect
course of action. The other two do not question UDGD’s decision,
and signal to the soldier with their expressions that they agree.
The soldier sharpens his salute, and gives the orders.

Below, Chaos is right up on IMRM, who
has lost a limb and his scythe in the very-quick test of prowess
against He Who Is Not Defeated. IMRM notes the lifting cord, his
only escape, and pushes himself even harder. The two tall creatures
from widely varying walks of life leap and rush across the
landscape to the air-bound castle. IMRM leaps once, twice, and then
a third time, putting all of his momentum under leg, propelling
well into the air and just high enough to grasp the raising wire.
Chaos leaps up as well, but is met with a strong kick from IMRM,
glancing him just off and back down to the ground.

“FIRE!” UDGD yells, now that Chaos and
IMRM are far enough apart.

With that word, the focused, aimed fire
of the fortress’ cannons barrage Chaos, with shot after shot,
enormous shells larger than most people flying into him. A chorus
of impacts roar through the land, and a storm of dust throws itself
over the destruction. As the dust settles, UDGD turns to the other
two.

“Well, looks like we’re done. ‘Spose we
should go back and get th’fountain... guy?” UDGD
questions.

“Makes sense. I have to say I’m-” HTO
cuts short, seeing the dust settle below. Chaos isn’t anywhere to
be found. The three pause a moment, and exchange some fairly
nervous smiles.

“Probably no trace of him after that,”
HTO assures. SISY nods.

“Absolutely. You both remember what one
of those shots did to our walking tower,” the tanned swordsman says
with a nod. UDGD looks down, and looks back to the others;
something’s wrong.

“Maybe. ‘Spose we sh-”

“Out of the way!” IMRM interrupts, just
barely, sending his fist upward over HTO’s head, and into Chaos’
fist, who had used badass magic to teleport just above the
fortress. Chaos’ black fist skews straight through IMRM’s arm,
cracking the frame and metals into twisted pieces of useless modern
art. Chaos leaps back, just a few feet from them.

“I must say, before I kill you all, it
was a pleasure to chase down and murder all of you. Rather
impressed with you, tall one; it is a rare event that someone-” as
Chaos monologues the now-armless IMRM, UDGD subtly motions the
turreteers to aim at Chaos, who is in the center of the fortress.
“-additionally, I must say, the O.E.L. has undoubtedly improved in
their craft of making things like you. Never would have imagined
one could intercept a punch from me and survive. Well, that aside,
tell your various gods I said ‘hello’ and let them know I will be
coming for them one of these days,” Chaos says with a smile,
completely unhurt by both IMRM’s best attempts and the barrage of
missiles.

“Hey,” UDGD says as the Overlord steps
forward, stretching out his digits.

“Yes?”

“I’m curious,” the Grim Axeman begins,
trying his best to come up with a cool one liner. Chaos squints his
left eye, just a bit.

“Yes?”

“How does it feel to be a bitch?” UDGD
says, teeth gritted with careless masculinity. Chaos scoffs
politely, as if the two of them were exchanging quips at the dinner
table.

“You might want to ask your internal
organs that question; you’ll be meeting them soon,” Chaos says,
crossing a bad comeback with a very legitimate threat.

UDGD makes a stealthy signal to the
turreteers, mouthing the words “fuck this guy up.”

ENGAGE!

The turrets open fire on Chaos, just
high up enough to hit him.

Out of the eight operators on the
low-bound turrets, the soldier operating the 5th turret, a young
man named Jesse Merrivan, while his name is obviously more fitting
to that of a weakling, had the best aim out of them, being the only
one to hit Chaos dead on from behind. The shell metaphorically
punches Chaos in the face incredibly hard, and sends him flying
into one of the towers and out the other end. Chaos soars far away
and into a mountainside nearly a mile downward and two miles away.
They officially got the ‘jump’ on Chaos.

VICTORY!

Amidst cheers and celebration, the four
warriors watch across the planes, looking for any sign of Chaos’
reappearance. A minute of their silence passes, and Chaos pops up
from a group of trees down near the impact site, if only to give
them one last smile.

“Next time, perhaps. I have a hot tub
to complete, after all,” Chaos says to himself before turning his
back on the foolish humans to greater things that would actually be
appropriate for his use of time.