Words Can Change Your Brain (27 page)

Finally, we would like to express our profound gratitude to our agent, Jim Levine, and our editor, Caroline Sutton, for believing in this project and supporting us through every stage of this book. We also wish to thank all the wonderful people behind the scenes at Penguin and Hudson Street Press who helped to give birth to this book.

APPENDIX A

Compassionate Communication Training: CDs, Mp3s, Workbooks, Webinars, and Workshops

To aid you in the practice of Compassionate Communication, we have created a seventy-minute self-guided CD (and an mp3 downloadable file) to complement this book. It is designed to teach individuals, couples, and groups how to change their talking and listening behaviors in ways that facilitate mutual trust, empathy, and comprehension. In addition to the twenty-minute Compassionate Communication training module described in
chapter 9
, it will guide you through the inner values exercise described in
chapter 7
, a kindness and forgiveness meditation, and a series of stress-reduction and movement exercises designed to guide you into a deep state of relaxation.

In the first ten minutes of the training module, you’ll be guided through the first six steps of Compassionate Communication, in which you engage in either an imaginary or real dialogue with another person. In the second ten minutes (designed to be played while you practice with a friend, colleague, family member, or in a group situation), a bell will ring every twenty-five seconds to remind you to slow down, stop speaking, and return to a relaxed state as you listen to the other person speak. The program also includes additional strategies for communicating effectively and resolving conflicts. This self-guided program can be used to train large groups of people in a business, church, or school setting.

A complementary program (available as a CD or mp3 download) is also available to help reduce stress and deepen your Compassionate Communication practice. It includes seven relaxation and mindfulness exercises that research has proven effective and that can be used by individuals or introduced to students in the public and private school systems. This stress reduction program is now part of the Executive MBA module that Mark teaches at Loyola Marymount University, Los Angeles.

To order with a credit card either of these programs in CD format, call Mark’s office at (805) 987-7222. To order these programs as a downloadable mp3, go to www.MarkRobertWaldman.com, where you will find additional videos, programs, workbooks, and free materials relating to personal development, business coaching, and executive communication.

At the Mindful Living Foundation (www.MindfulLivingFoundation .org) you can view videos relating to neuroscience and listen to meditations and lectures created by leaders in the mindfulness community.

If you would like to have Mark speak at your group, contact him at [email protected] and visit his website if you want to attend any of the workshops he offers throughout the year: www .MarkRobertWaldman.com.

APPENDIX B

Compassionate Communication Training Protocol for Couples

If you would like to try the formal training program we use in our research, and which therapists use to help couples develop stronger communication skills, here is a simplified version. Feel free to send us descriptions of your experiences, copies of your diaries, or any suggestions you may have. We’re always looking for ways to improve our strategies, and the people using them are our most valuable source for inspiration and guidance. We also have a growing network of therapists and business coaches who can offer personal assistance via telephone or video conferencing. For further information, go to www.MarkRobertWaldman.com or call Mark’s office at (805) 987-7222.

To begin this eight-week training program, it’s best if you purchase a copy of the Compassionate Communication CD or downloadable mp3, but you can also improvise using the exercises in this book. Ask your partner or a friend to commit to practicing with you for at least three to five days a week. The first three sessions should not be focused on any specific issue; just let a spontaneous conversation emerge. Then pick a specific issue that the two of you would like to address. Start with a simple problem and when you feel confident with the process, begin to tackle the more difficult ones. However, if either of you feels anxious or irritable, take a break. When you feel ready, use the Compassionate Communication strategy to talk about your struggle, not about the problem itself. Explore possible ways to address your problem in a manner that both people feel is safe. If you still feel that you are at an impasse, consider having a Compassionate Communication coach guide you through the issue.

With your partner present, follow the instructions below:

1. Listen to track 3 on the Compassionate Communication CD (or do the inner values exercise described in
chapter 7
). Share your inner values with each other.

2. Now listen to track 7 on the CD (or read the Compassionate Communication script in
chapter 9
), which will guide you through the dialogue process with your partner. A suggestion: consider a dialogue based on your inner values.

3. After completing the exercise, take a sheet of paper and spend no longer than five minutes writing down your subjective experience. How did you feel during the exercise? What did you find useful? What made you uncomfortable? What did you discover? Then have a five-minute discussion with your partner focusing only on the positive aspects of your experience.

4. Listen to the “Kindness and Forgiveness” track on the CD (or listen to Jack Kornfield’s meditation on compassion that is posted at www.MindfulLivingFoundation.org) with your partner. When finished, talk about the positive aspects of your experience.

5. Beginning tomorrow, over the next five days listen to all the tracks on the CD and repeat steps one through three, above. If possible, do so with your partner, but if he or she is not available, listen to them alone and use your imagination to guide yourself through the dialogue exercise (track 7 or the instructions in
chapter 9
).

6. After each practice round, write several brief paragraphs in a journal. If you find yourself writing down a complaint or negative thought, limit the comment to one sentence and then write several positive ways that you can overcome or reframe the negative feeling or thought. Keep each journal entry brief, not longer than a couple of short paragraphs. Do not share this diary with your partner; it is for your own personal exploration.

7. Keep a daily log of the time spent doing the exercise, whom you did it with (alone, partner, etc.), the topic discussed or imagined, and the feelings it brought up.

8. Each day, write down three to five things you feel grateful for.

9. At the end of each day, write down three things you did well that day and briefly explain why.

At the end of eight weeks, we would love to hear from you. Send a letter or an e-mail with a description of your experience (and your diaries, if you feel comfortable) to [email protected] You don’t need to include your name, just your gender and age. All information received will be kept confidential, and we will analyze the data in ways that will help to improve our strategies. Again, you have our deepest gratitude for taking time to participate in this transformational experiment.

APPENDIX C

Compassionate Communication Research Study

In 2010 we performed our own pilot study of 121 people engaging in a Compassionate Communication workshop. At the beginning of the workshop and again at its conclusion, participants were given a questionnaire called the Miller Social Intimacy Scale (a validated measure of a person’s feelings of closeness and social empathy). Using basic statistical analysis, we were able to detect a significantly higher level of intimacy after participants had practiced the exercise for forty minutes. The scores were actually about 11 percent higher. In responses to two questions, we found a 20 percent improvement in social intimacy: “How close do you feel to [the person you are facing] right now?” and “How strong is your inclination to spend time alone with him/her?”

We also wondered if there were any differences among people of different ages. When comparing a younger community college (CC) group to the control group, the results showed that the CC group had a mean increase of only 6 percent. So this younger population appeared to respond less robustly in general; however, we did achieve a significant increase compared to the control group (the group of people who were tested before and after forty minutes of exercise). However, people over the age of thirty generally responded to a much greater degree, showing a mean increase of 16 percent.

From the point of view of race, very similar results were obtained for both whites and blacks. The black participants came from a church congregation in a lower-income community in downtown Los Angeles, and the white participants from churches in highly affluent suburbs. The community college students represented a mixed socio-economic background. From this limited data set, we inferred that socio-economic background had no definite influence on measures of social intimacy.

In terms of gender, both men and women did about the same. At baseline women scored slightly higher on their intimacy level, but this did not achieve statistical significance. The increases in the level of intimacy after the training program were similar for both men and women.

We added one additional question to the Miller questionnaire: “What is your secret desire?” Participants were asked the same question before and after they practiced Compassionate Communication, and when we conducted a content analysis to determine how often certain words were used, we found that after the exercise interest in financial goals dropped from 34 percent to 14 percent. More importantly, there was a 60 percent increase in a desire for peace, while desires for self-love and interpersonal love increased threefold. This strongly suggests that the Compassionate Communication program improves intimacy and may even redirect a person’s goals toward more peaceful, loving, and personal fulfillment. This research study is currently in submission for peer-reviewed publication.

NOTES

Chapter 1: A New Way to Converse
 

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