Read The Little Old Lady Who Broke All the Rules Online
Authors: Catharina Ingelman-Sundberg
Tags: #Humour, #Contemporary
‘What about this, then?’
‘Ah, my nail file. Is that where it was? I must have dropped it.’
Then, with a gesture of resignation, the security guards waved her through. The League of Pensioners sighed with relief.
‘Why did you do that, Christina?’ Martha asked a little later when they were going towards the gate.
‘I was just testing the apparatuses. We’re going to commit some more crimes, aren’t we?’
When the huge airbus had lifted from the runway and the lights had been turned on in the cabin again, Martha ordered a bottle of champagne. Then she pulled out two sheets of paper.
‘I’ll just do what we agreed so that we can post the letters when we arrive.’
‘Right, let’s drink to that,’ Brains agreed and held up his glass.
‘Hang on a moment. Let me write first.’
Martha’s handwriting was a bit shaky, but while the others started sipping their champagne and encouraged her with joyous acclamation, she put together the following letter:
To the Government that can carry out something without being voted down
.
At this point she was interrupted by Rake, who thought
that she should add ‘parliament’ too, because they lived in a democracy. Anna-Greta raised her voice and said that they ought to add something about how the money must bypass all the bureaucracy. Martha did as they said, and then went on:
The ‘Friends of the Elderly’ association has, at its lawfully convened annual general meeting, decided to annually donate money to those in need. The money can only be donated for the purposes listed below
.
All retirement homes shall be renovated and equipped to at least the same standard as the country’s prisons. In addition, there should be access to computers, hairdressers and chiropodists. Pleasant outings and humane care are a requirement
.
Every old people’s home shall have a proper kitchen with competent staff, where the food is prepared on site with fresh ingredients. A whisky before dinner and wine or champagne with dinner shall be served to those who so wish
.
The residents shall have the freedom to come and go as they please, and to decide themselves what time they shall get up and go to bed
.
A gym with training equipment shall be open to all the residents, and the retirement home shall provide a coach
.
Everybody shall be able to drink as many cups of coffee as they like, and cakes and biscuits shall be served to those who so wish
.
Nobody is allowed to become a politician in a position of power before they have done an internship at a retirement home for at least six months
.
The association’s committee has created a fund for
deserving causes [she meant the Robbery Fund, but of course she didn’t spell that out] and will decide when and to whom donations will be made. Decisions of the committee cannot be appealed. Every donation is free of tax
.
Martha formulated the letter so that a copy could be sent directly to the media—that way the letter would not be forgotten.
‘And don’t forget the money for our friends at Diamond House,’ said Christina.
‘No, but first we must sign the declaration,’ said Martha, and she held out the paper. They all signed it with their own names, and that didn’t matter, of course, because they all had such illegible signatures that they would have made any doctor green with envy. When they had done this, Martha put the letter into an envelope and licked the flap.
‘Then we’ve got our friends at Diamond House,’ Christina reminded them again.
‘Yes, but excluding Nurse Barbara,’ they all said at once.
‘Naturally, I am thinking about the others. What about a kitty with specific amounts for outings, parties and fancy dinners at the Grand Hotel?’
‘They must have the celebration special too,’ Christina said.
They all agreed on that, and Anna-Greta offered to fill the kitty every month. When they nodded, she looked most satisfied and raised her glass.
‘Cheers then, comrades! Well now, that still leaves the money in the drainpipe,’ she said and neighed in delight.
‘Perhaps not quite. Shouldn’t we pay back the donation from the Friends of the Museum?’ Christina asked.
The others thought about this for a while before Christina spoke out again.
‘Of course. We will increase the amount a bit so that they will be able to afford a better exhibit than that “Sins and Desires.’”
‘I thought that was rather good,’ said Rake.
‘We’ll give them two million a year and then we will still have money left so that we can play at the casino in Las Vegas,’ said Martha.
‘Great,’ they agreed, until they realized that they were on the way to Barbados.
They all fiddled with their champagne glasses.
‘Pah, never mind. We’ll fly to Las Vegas from the West Indies,’ said Anna-Greta. ‘That can surely be arranged.’
‘Excellent, then that’s sorted,’ said Martha. ‘Now all that remains is our letter to the police.’ She pulled out the second sheet of paper and wrote down the text they had all immediately agreed on:
To the Police in Stockholm –
Dear Police,
We have been able to observe your hard work at close quarters and would therefore like to support you. Go to the Grand Hotel in Stockholm and check the drainpipe outside the Cadier bar. Loosen the pipe and you will find a pair of tights full of money. We are donating the contents to the Police Pension Fund. You were right. All the money hadn’t blown away. Good luck in your future work
.
Best regards,
The League of Pensioners
P. S. You can keep the tights
.
When that letter too was finished and Martha had licked the envelope, Brains poured out some more champagne.
‘Here’s to us—we who are trying to make as many people as possible happy!’ he said.
They all nodded and raised their glasses. They could begin their new life abroad with a good conscience. A new adventure was awaiting them! In the unlikely event that they should want to return home again, they had arranged for new identities to be ready and waiting for them. Anna-Greta had already bought some good names on the Internet.
Inspector Strömbeck was sitting in front of his computer and checking CCTV images from Stockholm’s surveillance cameras. He was looking for photos of a grey Mercedes that should have passed by the cameras the previous week. Although they had reacted quickly and driven their dark blue Volvo so fast that the needle on the speedometer was at maximum, he and Lönsberg had lost the Yugoslavs. Strömbeck swore and reached out for the bar of chocolate on his desk. He had started to console himself with candy—what else could he do? Not only had he failed to nail the Yugoslav mafia, but he had also lost the pensioners.
He glared at the letter on his desk. He had been surprised when he had received a letter from the West Indies by snail mail, but he would never have imagined that somebody could taunt a police authority so. The oldies had suggested that he ought to look for the money in a pair of tights at the Grand Hotel. Down a drainpipe! He swore again, crumpled up the letter and threw it into the waste-paper basket.
While writing
The Little Old Lady Who Broke All the Rules (Kaffe med rån)
, I had a lovely group of people who helped and supported me.
They include Inger Sjöholm-Larsson, who read and provided encouragement from the very first embryo to the finished book, and Lena Sanfridson, with whom I bandied the first ideas some years ago, and who subsequently served as a source of inspiration and a sounding board throughout the journey. My grateful thanks also go to Ingrid Lindgren for reading the chapters at the express speed in which they were written, giving encouragement and making sensible observations. Likewise to Isabella Ingelman-Sundberg, who has supported me from the very start.
Thanks too to Susanne Thorson for your time and valuable comments, Kerstin Fägerblad for always reading and encouraging me however unpolished the manuscripts I send you, and Fredrik Ingelman-Sundberg for pepping me up, reading and supporting me.
I am also grateful for support and comments from Magnus Nyberg, Micke Agaton, Gunnar Ingelman, Britt-Marie Laurell, Åke Laurell, Ingegerd Jons, Helene Sundman, Anna-Stina Bohlin, Bengt Björkstén, Karin Sparring Björkstén, Agneta Lundström, Anna Rask, Mika Larsson, Erva Karlgren and Eva Rylander. I am pleased that you took the time to give me your wise comments! The help I got from you has meant a lot.
I would like to say a very special thank you to Barbara
von Schönberg, who has been an invaluable force and a source of joy when it came to realizing this book.
Many are they who have helped me with valuable information, and I would like to thank the director of the Sollentuna remand prison, Hanna Järl Källberg, Lina Montanari and the Grand Hotel, who guided me during my research for the book. A warm thank you!
At the Forum publishing house I enjoyed pleasant cooperation with Adam Dahlin, Viveca Peterson, Lisselott Wennborg Ramberg, Anna Käll, Sara Lindgren and Annelie Eldh.
CATHARINA INGELMAN-SUNDBERG
is the bestselling Swedish author of seventeen books in several genres, including historical fiction, popular science, children’s books and cartoons. A former journalist and marine archaeologist, she now works fulltime as a writer.
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“A GOOD-NATURED, HUMOROUS CRIME CAPER.”
—
Independent on Sunday
(UK)
“CRIMINALLY FUN!”
—Bonniers Bokklubb (Sweden)
“A HILARIOUS FARCE…. HIGHLY ENTERTAINING WITH VERY WELL-CRAFTED CHARACTERS.”
—
Fréttabladid
(Iceland)
“REMINDED ME OF THE MORE MISCHIEVOUS MOMENTS OF
ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO’S NEST
.”
—J. B. Morrison, author of
The Extra Ordinary Life of Frank Derrick, Age 81
“IT HAS HUMOUR, BRILLIANT DIALOGUE, IRONY AND WARMTH. A LIGHT-HEARTED AND ENJOYABLE DETECTIVE COMEDY.”
—
PRO Pensionären
(Sweden)
“A QUIRKY, OFFBEAT DELIGHT AND A HEART-WARMING REMINDER THAT ONE IS NEVER TOO OLD FOR SOME MISCHIEF
AND ADVENTURE.”
—Tom Winter, author of Lost & Found
Photo of little old lady: Image Source/Getty Images
Photos of balaclava and wallpaper: iStockPhoto.com
The Little Old Lady Who Broke All the Rules
Copyright © 2012 by Catharina Ingelman-Sundberg by agreement with
Barbara J. Zitwer Agency in cooperation with Grand Agency.
Translation copyright © Rod Bradbury 2013
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the nonexclusive, nontransferable right to access and read the text of this ebook on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse-engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.
EPub Edition © FEBRUARY 2014 ISBN 9781443428286
Published by HarperCollins Publishers Limited
First published in 2012 by Bokförlaget Forum, Sweden, under the title Kaffe med Rån
FIRST CANADIAN EDITION
No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in reviews.
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