Read The Israel Bond Omnibus Online

Authors: Sol Weinstein

The Israel Bond Omnibus

The Israel Bond Omnibus
Sol Weinstein
About Comics (2011)
Rating:
★★★★☆

All four of Sol Weinstein's classic Israel Bond Oy-Oy-7 spy parodies under one cover for the first time. Loxfinger; Matzohball; On the Secret Service of His Majesty, the Queen; You Only Live Until You Die - thousands of laughs apiece, cheap humor that's even cheaper in bulk!

About the Author

Writer Sol Weinstein once wallowed in total obscurity. Then in the 1960’s, that turbulent decade of sit-ins, sexuality and spies, he crashed into print via Playboy Magazine and Simon & Schuster editions of his four novels (Loxfinger, Matzohball, On the Secret Service of His Majesty the Queen, and You Only Live Until You Die) starring Hebrew Secret Agent Israel Bond (code name Oy-Oy-7) and now he occupies a giddy new status – semi-unknown. Some thriller fans suspect Sol, a native of Trenton, New Jersey, may have been influenced a whit and a tad, a bushel and a peck, a smidgen and a widget by the literary output of a Pommy, but Sol swears by all that is ambiguous he has been living in an alternative reality in a galaxy far far away from Onan Lemming, Iam Hemming, or whatever the lady’s name was. Yes, Oy-Oy-7 was licensed to kill, but his organization also permitted him to maim and even to hurl really hurtful invectives at a foe. If the situation demanded it he could also perform a memorial service over the victim. On one occasion he learned he had just killed an individual who was a practicing Dryad, so he solemnly sang Joyce Kilmer’s “Trees” to the corpse. While filling pages with Lead, Bloodbath & Beyond (a retail chain he founded in the 1970’s) Weinstein also pounded away at his still serviceable Remington portable supplying television waggery spoken by Dean Martin, Frank Sinatra, Bob Hope, Sammy Davis Jr., Danny Thomas, Bobby Darin, Orson Welles, Anthony Newley, George Burns, Alan King and the immortal ginmill tippler Joe E. Lewis whom he dubbed “The Staggering Socrates, The Pickled Plato, The Aristotle of the Bottle.” In 1961 he penned the music and lyrics to an end-of-the-night ballad “The Curtain Falls,” which Bobby Darin used as his act closer. It’s also been recorded by Bob Hope, Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme, Danny Aiello and Oscar-winning actor Kevin Spacey, who, in his role as Bobby Darin, sang the song in the biographical film “Beyond the Sea”. Sol now resides in New Zealand but continues to fulminate hot concepts with huge marketability. He is currently offering a screenplay that would revive two iconic teen queens: “Gidget and Tammy Rock Out at a Berlusconi Bunga Bunga.” He pronounces a favourite ethnic food as “kiegel”, not “kugel.” (That’s Sol, not Berlusconi.)

Table of Contents

LOXFINGER

Dedications

1 Room 1818

2 The Man from “Mother”

3 The Hebrew Himalayas

4 Her Nibs Digs Mibs

5 The Terror from the Top of the World

6 “Oasis Calling, Mr. Jew”

7 “This Can’t Be the Regular Group!”

8 The Brave Bullring

9 M.

10 “You’ll Like Mara, Mr. Bond”

11 “Eat, Eat, Mine Kindeleh”

12 Oh Hell, the Gang’s All Here

13 The Answer

14 “I Am Agent D.”

15 Parting Is Sweet

16 Top-Drawer Secret

MATZOHBALL

Dedications

1 The House of Good Taste

2 Rotten Roger: The First Call

3 Marriage of Steel

4 “There Will Be No Third Striking”

5 The Tender Teach-in

6 Rotten Roger: The Second Call

7 The Eyes And Thighs Of A Fawn

8 Rotten Roger: The Third Call

9 “The Silent One” Strikes

10 “Ah Got De Blues”

11 Poems To Touch The Heart, Turn The Stomach

12 A Good Skate

13 Herbie

14 Summit Conference

15 David And Goliath

16 Rotten Roger: The Last Call

17 Roll, Roll, Roll Your Ball

18 It’s All Over But The Shooting

19 Flash In The Pan

ON THE SECRET SERVICE OF HIS MAJESTY, THE QUEEN

Dedications

1 A King’s Secret Shame

2 The Bitch Of Schweinbaden

3 Trenton, I’m Coming!

4 “My Boys, They’re Killing My Boys!”

5 Those Vines Have Slender Shapes

6 “The Martini Gave You Away...”

7 Candy, I Call My Killer Candy

8 Dark Pool, Sweet Pool

9 Where Love Has Gone

10 Tell Me, Where Can I Go?

11 There’s Something Strange In The Heir

12 A Strong Man Weeps

13 Gas, Meter Of A Traitor

14 Call To Greatness

15 A Score In The Sky

16 Dee Dee, Da, Da, Da, Da, Dee Dee

17 Let’s Do The Tryst

18 Blood And Sand And Blood And Blood—

19 Shivs, I’m Here!

20 This Pond’s Minus Honey And Almonds

21 For “The Clipper” And “Mighty Mick”

22 Good Old Sol[52]

23 First Things Second

24 Sermon On The Mount

25 All’s Fair, In Love And “La Guerre”

26 The Tale Of The Little Princess

27 Ain’t That A Kick In The Glass!

Epilogue

YOU ONLY LIVE UNTIL YOU DIE

Dedications

Prologue

1 Mondo Bondo

2 The Historical Verity

3 “Making Rove On Me—Fast! Fast!”

4 Tag Day In Tokyo

5 “Forget About the Black Room!”

6 Night of Treemandous Terror

7 Fisherman Overboard!

8 A Crawler, a Baller

9 Kopy Enraged, Kopy Engaged

10 Shimon Sez

11 Shell Shock

12 “When You’ve Been in the Biggest Oyster There Is”...

13 The Dane Talks

14 A Fitting Climax Requires a Fitting

15 Brolly Brawl On The Bullet

16 Bowling Brawl in the Bathhouse

17 Games Xerox People Play

18 Bondo Limbo

19 “Israel Bond Is Dead”

20 Mr. Tambourine Man

21 Not All Lox Is Smoked Salmon

22 Loves Of A Bond

23 The Quest Ends

24 Neck Check

25 Dem Bones, Dem Bones, Dem Dry Bones

26 Now Heah de Wud of de Lawd

27 How to Talk to a Jewish Mother

Epis-A-Logue

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

If you enjoyed this book...

THE

ISRAEL BOND OMNIBUS

by

SOL WEINSTEIN

THE CHARACTERS, PLACES AND EVENTS IN THIS MASTERWORK ARE WHOLLY FICTIONAL. ANY RESEMBLANCE, BY NAME OR OTHERWISE, TO PERSONS LIVING OR DEAD, ABOUT TO BE CONCEIVED, ABOUT TO BE BORN OR ABOUT TO DIE IS PURELY COINCIDENTAL.

Since the author has been informed that his sensitive masterworks of the real, the true espionage are popular with American servicemen, he would be grateful if his devoted readers would, upon completing them, send them to USO clubs, military bases, and hospitals, etc., instead of placing them in vaults next to precious jewels, furs and documents, or in time capsules, as so many have done. (Flattering, but unnecessary. Your sickening hero worship is ample reward.)

LOXFINGER
© Sol Weinstein 1965, 2011. All rights reserved.

This novel originally appeared in abridged form in the October, 1965 issue of
Playboy
. This edition reprints the 1965 expanded novel, with new revisions made 2011 by the author.

MATZOHBALL
© Sol Weinstein 1965, 1966, 2011. All rights reserved.

This novel originally appeared in abridged form in the December, 1965 issue of
Playboy
. This edition reprints the 1966 expanded novel, with new revisions made 2011 by the author.

ON THE SERVICE OF HIS MAJESTY, THE QUEEN

© Sol Weinstein 1966, 2011. All rights reserved.

An abridged version of
On the Secret Service of His Majesty, the Queen
was serialized in the July and August 1966 issues of
Playboy Magazine
.

YOU ONLY LIVE UNTIL YOU DIE

© Sol Weinstein 1968, 2011. All rights reserved.

This edition has been reedited by the original author from his 1968 novel.

Marble image from “Marbles of Hard Use” by Chefranden, used under the
Creative Commons Atttribution 2.5 Generic license
.

Gun image from “Guns & Ammo 1” by kcdsTM (Ken) , used under the
Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic (CC BY 2.0) license
.

Published by Combustoica, a prose project of About Comics.

www.Combustoica.com

Rights inquiries?
[email protected]

LOXFINGER

 

Dedications

 

JOE E. LEWIS

“The Aristotle of the Bottle,” beloved King of the Nightclubs.

 

SAM AND CHAI SOORA WEINSTEIN,

the author’s beloved parents.

 

NOMI FRIEDMAN,

the author’s beloved sister.

 

HARRY AND BESS EISNER,

the author’s beloved, hostile in-laws.

 

NANCY BROWN

of Plainfield, New Jersey.

 

GODFREY CAMBRIDGE,

who alone looks like the entire March on Washington.

 

NEIL LEVINSON, BERNIE GOLDBERG, IRWIN SPIEGEL, YUDEL KAPLAN, AND MIKE KEARNS,

who, with the author, comprised Trenton High School’s unforgettable “The Crummy Six,” who did to 11th grade French what De Gaulle is doing to us now.

 

STAN AND RHODA EISNER

 

MARK LITOWITZ, JOHNNY COATES, JR., HOWIE TEDDER, KIRK NUROCK, BEN MELZER, JAN WALLMAN, LAURA LANE, CLYDE LEIB, AUSTIN MACK, GEORGE R. BOLGE, RABBI BEN SINCOFF, BOB PINCUS, LENNIE FELDMAN

 

ELLIE, DAVID (008), AND JUDY WEINSTEIN,

the author’s beloved wife and issue, the last named the courageous 5-year-old who, when enemies of Judaism rear their ugly heads, dons her mask and black cape and leaps from the sofa with that fearful cry: “Bat Baby Strikes Again!”

 

AND TO POCKET BOOKS, INC....

may we both make a little Bond bread.

 

1 Room 1818

 

Bella ciao! Bella ciao!

Two silencer-muffled shots slammed into the headboard of the bed upon which Israel Bond was making love to the impassive Oriental girl whose body, insouciantly straddled, lay beneath his eager thighs.

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