Authors: Bria Quinlan
Chapter 13
The last time I’d had my mom was my most beautiful memory.
The moment in my life I felt the most love at one time—in one place—from one
person.
The last time I’d had my mom was also the absolutely most
gut wrenching memory I could recall. Well, except for the betrayal of losing my
dad, too.
It was only five quick months after that spring day they
told me. School had started and Indian summer was slipping into fall. I know
now that my mom’s words that day weren’t just a good-bye. They were that hug
she’d known I’d need over and over once she was gone.
###
“Amy-girl.”
My dad still called me
that then. Even after Mom got really sick…
which was only two
months after The Picnic.
We didn’t even get to keep her with us for most
of that time.
And so there he was, standing in my doorway, a bag in one
hand, my jacket in the other.
“Ready?”
I hadn’t wanted to be ready. I’d wanted to stay in my room
and pretend things were the same as they were last spring. I wanted to ignore
everything and close my eyes and wait for my mom’s gentle tap on the door
telling me to get ready for school.
Instead, I reached for my jacket and gave my dad a quick hug
before following him out to the car.
We drove in silence to the hospice. Neither of us turned on
the radio, each holding our thoughts in our heads.
Like we’d
closed out the real world and all its issues.
“Grab the blanket from the trunk, sweetheart.”
I threw a glance in my dad’s direction, still having no idea
what the plan was. But, this didn’t seem like the day to argue.
We passed by the front desk and the nurse gave us a smile
and a nod. One thing I’d noticed weeks ago—the worse Mom did, the less people
talked to you. Even the nurses gave you more room.
Like you
needed it to carry your sorrow around with you.
In my mom’s room, everything felt smaller, quieter. Even my
dad’s typically booming voice had dropped seventeen decibels when he greeted
her.
I crossed to the other side of the bed and carefully wrapped
my arms around her, inhaling the scent of her.
“Sweetheart, Amy-girl and I have a surprise for you.”
She glanced my way and I couldn’t help but smile. “It’s a
surprise for me too.”
“Amy-girl, spread that blanket out. Careful though.”
I unfolded the picnic blanket over Mom’s legs, letting some
drape down on each side. While I did that, Dad moved the bed tray over and
started setting out our favorite picnic foods. Everything we’d ever loved.
Probably not one healthy thing in the bunch.
The smile on my mom’s face made the silliness of it all seem
worth anything. I’d give up anything for those smiles.
We talked like we were sitting under the tree at home.
Just normal stuff.
Mom asked about school and Dad’s work.
She pushed me to go out and make friends. She asked if I’d vacuumed my room and
reminded me not to throw dirty clothes in the closet and forget about them. It
made me bite back laughter.
It made me fight tears.
After fifteen
minutes of Mom watching Dad and me eat, she turned that smile on me again.
“Amy, sweetheart, can you run downstairs and get your dad some coffee?”
I was about to tell her no, to say I didn’t want to leave
even for a few minutes, but she gave me The Mom Look and I knew it wasn’t a
request.
I hurried to the cheap coffee vending machine and back, not
wanting to miss any time with my mom. But when I reached her room, the low
murmur of her voice and the ragged sound of my father’s weeping froze me. I’d
never been so afraid in my life.
Even without being able to hear their words, the moment felt
too private to interrupt. I walked down to the nurses’ station and sat on one
of the overstuffed chairs, Dad’s coffee cooling beside me.
“Amy-girl?”
I looked up from my
shoes to my father, studying the red-rimmed eyes that looked back at me. “Your
mom wants to talk to you. I’ll be out here. Okay?”
I nodded, my throat already closing up.
In her room, I pushed the door closed behind me and crossed
to the bed, taking her hand as I sank into the seat beside her.
“Amy.” I could hear the smile in my name as she said it. I
could hear all the love. “I wanted to talk to you about a few things.”
My eyes were so filled with tears I couldn’t see her
anymore. She was just a hazy picture floating away from me. So, I nodded and
gave her bone-fragile hand a light squeeze.
“First, I want you to know, I love you more than anything in
the entire world. You and your dad, that’s all there ever was for me. I know
that’s not very PC. I was supposed to be ambitious, chase a career, but I only
liked my job. I adore you.”
“I love you, Mom.” I had to make sure she knew. I’d told her
enough, right?
“I know sweetie. No matter what, I know.” She smiled. I have
no idea how. “I know things have been hard, but there’s a lot to say. Listen.
Okay?”
I nodded and leaned my head against the bed beside her,
looking up at her. Being as close to her frail body as I felt I could.
“You’re growing up and things are changing. Hold onto Dad.
Love him a lot. Love him for both of us.
“Always be true to you. No matter what you want to do. If
you want to fly to the moon, do that. If you want to be a teacher or a doctor
or a lawyer, do it. Don’t let anyone ever tell you that you can’t. I know you
can do anything.”
I thought about my new school and my lack of friends and my
bad grades and nodded, promising I’d do it all. Promising I’d find these things
for me, and then do them to make her proud.
“Be careful with yourself. Not just things like falling off
your bike or looking both ways to cross the street. Guard your heart. Don’t
give yourself away body, heart, or soul to just anyone. But when that love
comes, hold onto it.
Like I’m holding on to you.
Like
your Dad held on to me and then both of us.
The real deal.
Look for that, never settle. You understand?”
“Yes, Mom.”
I’m not sure she could
understand my answer it was so choked, but she nodded.
“Promise me though, of all these things promise me you’ll
never forget just how much I love you, that there’s nothing big enough in this
world to measure it. There was never a moment I didn’t love you. And that love
is going to stay with you.
Always.
Longer
than always.”
Adults think kids don’t get stuff. That just because I was
eleven meant I didn’t know what this was… that it was my mom saying goodbye,
trying to squeeze in years of love and advice.
What a lie. I knew this moment and I held on tight.
“Mom, I love you so much. I don’t want you to leave. Dad and
I …” I wiped the tears again.
“Honey, if I could stay I would. I’d do anything if I could.
You remember me on special days and I promise you’ll feel me there. Every time
you get ready for your first day of school.
Or when you meet
that great boy.
When you need to be teased about your first kiss or go
shopping for your prom dress.
Walking your college campus for
the first time.
Getting married.
When you have
kids—when you have my grandkids—remember me, and you’ll know I’m right there.”
I felt her hand just barely squeeze mine. “I’m right there.”
I laid my head down next to
hers,
buried in the picnic blanket, and sobbed while she stroked my hair telling me
over and over how much she loved me.
Some time before the tears stopped, she fell asleep. I left
the blanket with her so she wouldn’t feel alone when she woke up.
In the hall, my dad waited in the chair I’d sat in. His
gaze, tired and sad, met mine. I went straight to him as he rose, diving into
his arms.
“Oh, Amy-girl, I know. I know.” He rocked me back and forth,
ignoring the people brushing by us.
Ignoring that it was just
the two of us.
We got the call the next morning. Even now it’s hard to
believe that was the last time I’d ever see my mom.
Chapter
14
I thought about calling Coach and telling him I was hurt. I
mean, I had the blood soaked bandages to prove it. But that seemed not only
stupid but wimpy. I’d given up my spot on the CC team for this and I wasn’t
going to be embarrassed out of a perfectly good stats girl position.
Unfortunately, I strongly suspected neither guy would be picking me up for the
evening session.
Only I could go from two guys with cars to no guys with
cars. I gave myself twice as long to get there and walked, toying with the
oversized bandages on my palms as I went.
No matter what Luke thought, the situation with Chris and me
was more complicated than I’d anticipated. I’d been foolish and blinded by how
great things were through the summer. I was beginning to suspect Cheryl wasn’t
on the same page as me—and Chris—when it came to The Plan, which seemed unfair
to both of us. Rachel’s dislike of him nagged at my mind, more annoying than a
bad hangnail. For most of the walk I practiced approaching Chris, asking the
imaginary him about Cheryl without ticking him off.
Even the imaginary
him
was evasive.
The rest of the time I thought out a strongly worded statement
for Luke. If he wanted us to be friends, he had to understand there were some
things that weren’t going to be acceptable.
Who was he to judge?
Mr.
I-won’t-break-up-with-her-I’ll-just-move-away.
The longer I walked, the more hypocritical Luke seemed and the
angrier I got. Who was he to say I couldn’t kiss my own boyfriend? Chris wasn’t
the bad guy here. He may have made a not great judgment call about the party,
but I’m sure when we finally talked, it would all make sense.
Luke needed to back off, and I was going to be the one to
tell him so.
I froze mid-step, my stomach crinkling up a little. I didn’t
want to lose this new friendship. The summer had been hard with Rachel working
at the sleep-away camp, and having one more
person
in
my life who usually made sense would be great. Unless he
didn’t
usually make sense and I’d only been seeing good moments
until today.
Climbing the last hill, the school came into view, cars
already gathering in the parking lot. I searched for Chris’s. If I could grab
him before practice to get everything straightened out, I wouldn’t have to
think about it for a couple of hours while watching him
run
around in those little soccer shorts.
He stood at the door, Cheryl and a couple girls surrounding
him. As I approached, he glanced up and then turned back to the
cheer-type-people.
Sucking in a deep, deep breath, I rethought my plan. But, if
this was going to work, I was going to have to be the girl for him. The girl
for him would absolutely demand an answer. I was keying down
demand
to
ask
and hoping for the best.
“Chris?”
I almost laughed out loud. He seemed more surprised than
anyone else when I said his name. Cheryl looked curious… not in a good way, but
still very curious.
“Uh, yeah?”
“Can I talk to you for a minute?”
Everyone looked at him as if he were about to give the
answers to the SATs. He stepped through the group, the girls separating like
the part down a fresh salon blowout to let him pass.
He led me into the school, moving with a surety that showed
he knew I’d follow. After the door
fell
shut behind
us, he stopped and asked, “What’s up?”
“Why did you tell me I wasn’t invited to Ben’s pool party?”
With a startled glance down the hall, he wrapped his hand
about my arm, led me toward one of the health rooms, and pulled the door shut
behind us.
“What?” he asked, as though it had been too loud in the
empty hall for him to hear me.
“Why did you tell me Ben didn’t invite me?” I definitely
deserved points for patience.
His hand released my arm and came up to brush my hair from my
face, tilting my chin so I looked him in the eye.
“Babe, you hate those things.”
“Maybe I wouldn’t hate them if I was with you.” Every little
itty bitty teeny wee part of me, even the scraped skin I left back on the
bridge, shouted for him to make it all right.
His hand dropped to his side. “You know I had to take
Cheryl.”
“Why? I was invited and the guys would have thought I’d just
ridden with you. If you took me and we hung out with the team, who would care?”
“Cheryl would.”
The sure way he said it made my breath stop.
“Why would she care?”
Chris stepped away and glanced at the door, pushing me
further into the room so no one would see us through the tiny window. He
glanced toward the door again, still not answering me. I could almost see him
thinking.
“Cheryl doesn’t…” I stopped, suddenly afraid I didn’t know
either.
OMG—What if Luke had been right and
I
was the other woman.
“Babe,” Chris’s voice was low as he stepped toward me.
“Don’t be like that. You know we make a great team. Cheryl’s off being a cheerleader
and you’re here for me where I need you at practice.”
I stepped back, away from him, trying to get some distance
so I could think. Put it all together.
Everything ran through my mind. The summer and how we only
hung out at the center.
His time with Cheryl.
Everything Rachel—and yes, even Luke—said about him using me.
Before I could make everything mean one solid thing in my
head and heart, Chris stepped toward me again, bracing me against the wall. He
lowered his mouth to mine, taking it before I could even decide if I’d want to
give it. It was the type of kiss girls dream about—your dream guy sweeping you
into his arms and kissing you with an intensity that surprises you.
Only now, it worried me too because a little voice screamed
that he must kiss Cheryl just like this too.
I told the little voice to shut up.
His hand brushed my cheek as he pulled away. “Babe, you’re
not like other girls. You’re calm and cool. You’re sweet and everything good
that makes a guy want to just be around you. You know?” He leaned down, meeting
my gaze head on. “I need you to be here for me. You swore you were on my side.
We’re a team and I need you at practice.”
Even through the kiss-haze, something didn’t seem right with
that, but I nodded my cloudy head anyway and watched him smile down at me as if
I were a pet who’d learned a new trick.
A moment later he was gone, and I was left there trying to
catch my scattered thoughts along with my shallow breath.
# # #
Things went back to normal.
When I say “normal” I mean Rachel was still at camp and no
one else paid any attention to my existence. Not even All-Seeing Luke Parker.
Tryouts continued and so did my internal drama. I tried to
rationalize all that mind-body-soul high school upheaval as fair since I’d
lived teen-angst free for so long. The part I feared most was that Luke had
been right about at least one thing. I had been living under my own radar too
long.
I stuffed those cursed binders into the stat girls’ locker
and grumbled to myself about school starting in a week. Then I’d have two
lockers, this one and my real one on the other side of school in the seniors’
hall. It would be one more place to store stuff I didn’t care about and another
door to slam to let out my highly annoying emotions.
Coming out of the building, I stopped short. Before me,
there in the jock lot, an alternative “what if” universe unraveled.
A tiny blonde girl I’d never seen before leaned against
Luke’s truck. On either side of her, Luke and Chris squared off, their words
tumbling over each other and killing any semblance of an actual conversation.
It was like driving by an accident. I really, really didn’t want to see the
wreckage, but I couldn’t help myself. I slowed as I passed behind Luke, trying
to figure out what
this
throw-down
was about.
“Sweetheart, he may have been something at your school, but
here he isn’t even second best.” Chris propped his elbow against the truck’s
bed and hovered over the blonde. “You want to see what Ridge View is like, I
can show you. Pizza sound good?”
My stomach rolled as Chris flirted with yet another girl.
Could he
belittle
our kiss
any
more
? All the little ways he’d managed to fit in a minute here and there
with me dwindled to nothing in my mind.
I had almost slipped by when Luke’s voice growled, low and
angry.
“Katie, get in the truck.”
Katie
.
I skidded to a halt on the sand-covered pavement and swung
around to peek at her, the girl they fought over now. I had to know if she
really was something special, or if Chris and Luke were just used to fighting
over everything. She was tiny, blonde and beautiful. Between the two of them,
she looked like a perfect little fairy.
I tried not to hate her on sight.
Where Cheryl was a flawless, manufactured pretty, Katie was
naturally… well, perfect. Slight and fey, she looked like a young Natalie
Portman. Yeah. Perfect.
Raising my head, I caught Luke’s eyes as they widened at the
sight of me. He stepped toward me, but stopped when Chris slid down the truck
bed rail toward Katie, one eye on Luke the entire time.
Luke's focus veered back to Chris. “Don’t even think about
it. Katie, get in the truck.”
The pretty little blonde flashed Chris a perky little smile
and moved her perfect little self toward where Luke held the passenger’s door
open. His gaze slid my way and Chris turned to see what had captured his
attention.
When he caught sight of me, Chris’s smile widened.
“Hey, babe.
It’s getting dark. You need a ride?”
I tried not to glance toward Luke. I didn’t want to tick
anyone off, but Chris was finally doing what he was supposed to. And Luke’s
girlfriend had shown up. And it was getting dark. Not to mention I was just
plain tired at this point.
Tired of trying to make everything black
and white in my head—black and white in my heart.
Chris’s flirting had
just given it a squeeze, making it ache like it did when he chose Cheryl over
me.
But, I needed that ride—not to mention that one-on-one
time—so I answered in the only way I thought might be best for me. The only way
I might end up with what I wanted.
“Sure,” I answered as Luke said, “I don’t think so.”
Chris stepped between us, blocking my view of Luke. I
stilled, afraid of what would happen. Afraid this would be the time they
finally tried to kill each other.
At that moment it could have been over the soccer team, Luke’s
girlfriend, or their own pride stopping them both from letting me choose what I
wanted.
And then suddenly, I knew what I needed to do.
Luke caught Chris around the arm as I reached out, grabbing
Chris’s hand, summoning some feminine power I didn’t know I had. Sliding toward
him, I tilted my head to smile up at him. I tried to bat my lashes without
making it look like I had something in my eye.
“Thanks, Chris. I’d love a ride home.”
“Amy.” Luke dropped his hold on Chris to reach past him.
Chris whacked his hand away, pushing toward me, forcing me
back.
“You heard her, Parker. Take off.”
For once, Chris opened my door. After practically shoving me
in the car, he slammed the door behind me. Muffled through the glass, I heard
him taunt Luke.
“Isn’t one girl enough for you, Parker?”
“Isn’t that the question you should be asking yourself?”
I angled my head to glance out the window, making sure they
hadn’t lowered themselves to rock throwing. Across the empty spot, Katie
watched, not the boys, but me, her brows lowered and nose squished up in—yes—a
perfect little squish.
Chris pushed past Luke, bumping him shoulder to shoulder,
and slid behind the wheel, grinning at me as if I’d given him the state
championships wrapped in a bow. Throwing the car in reverse, he zipped off as I
struggled to get my seat belt on.
Once we’d made it down the hill, Chris slowed the car, his
arm stretched out across the back of my seat. At my house, he threw the car into
park before giving me a serious look. That out of character move worried me.
“So, what’s going on with you and Parker?”
“It’s funny you should ask that, since I was going to ask
what’s going on with you and me?”
“You and me?”
Chris unbuckled his
seat belt and leaned toward me, pushing my hair over my shoulder. “You and me
and no one else right now.”
“
Right now
being
the key words,” my new
spunkalicious
self answered as
I wondered where she’d come from.
“Babe, I think we should just hang out, the two of us.” He
glanced past me toward the front door, his hand tracing over the edge of my
jaw. “
There’s no tryouts
tonight.”
Then his lips were where his hand had been.
“Chris—”
I’m still not sure what I would have said because he cut off
any words, along with the thoughts attached to them, when his mouth slid over
mine. This is what I had wanted.
His full attention.
Just the two of us.
I pulled away.
“Chris?” He moved to kiss me again, but I put my hand on his
shoulder, hoping to get his attention. “That’s not an answer. What’s going on
with us? What’s going on with you and Cheryl?”
“Aw, babe, let’s not talk about that right now.” He kissed
my cheek and turned my head toward him. “Let’s skip the talking part.”
I let him kiss me
again,
telling
myself this was all I’d dreamt about for the past six years, even as it ate
away at me. I broke the kiss, taking off my seat belt and pushing the door
open.