Learning to Heal (25 page)

“Honey?” The sound of my mom’s voice snatches me from my thoughts. I turn and see her standing behind me and notice her worried expression. I should care that I’m doing this to her, but like I said earlier, I’m numb. “You really need to eat. You’re seven months pregnant.”

Turning around, I look out toward the water, ignoring her words because I have no appetite. College students are everywhere and cover the white sand with their suntanned bodies. Spring break is supposed to be a happy time for someone my age, but instead of enjoying it I’m trying to block everything out. I spot Jax, Tru, McKenzie, and Cohen playing and laughing. Thanks to Mom telling him to leave me alone, he decided to take everyone to the beach. He’s been on a rampage since I showed up at their door that night, ready to fight the world to make me stop crying and feel better. He doesn’t realize I did this to myself and deserve everything I’m feeling, but I couldn’t tell him that. I couldn’t stop sobbing from the pain that scorched my body long enough to breathe or speak more than Mason’s name. Supposedly they drove to his mom’s, but she also had no idea when he’ll be back. I don’t remember most of the first week or the drive that night. All I remember is Mason and Chanda together. Kissing. Touching. Even fucking while I watch. It’s been in my mind so much that I don’t know what’s real or imagined. All I know is that he hates me. And he left.

Mom sits beside me and wraps her arms around my shoulders. “Jasmine, baby, please tell me what happened. You seemed so happy last time y’all were here. How can I make this better?”

Should I tell her the truth? Should I risk her hating me too? Nothing hurts anymore so why not tell them. Keeping my eyes trained on McKenzie laughing while Jax holds her in the water I open up. “It was a lie. It was all a lie.” My voice is strained and scratchy to my ears. I guess when you cry for a week straight with no words that’s normal. “Mason isn’t the father.”

“What? Then who is?”

I sit there and count to ten before I let the words I’ve kept to myself for so long slip through. “My biology professor.”

With her intake of breath at my confession my numbness disappears and I feel disgusted again. Shivering, I wrap my arms around my middle and feel my daughter kick. A daughter who will be fatherless because of lies. “He’s married and already has children.” I want to look at her but I can’t. My tears build up again while my throat starts to clog and burn. “I didn’t know, Momma. I promise I didn’t know.”

Her arms encircle me and I lose the battle, allowing the tears to return. She doesn’t push me away like I thought. Instead she holds me closer and whispers in my ear how much she loves me and how we’ll get through it. As a family.

After it’s all out in the open I actually feel relief. My heart is still broken, but I’m not a leper to the family like I thought. Tears are shed and hugs are given while some sort of peace is settled in my soul. I will get through this with or without Mason.

When I return home I decide to drop out of college. Mom and Dad were fine with my decision. They said that it was just added stress and agreed that I should wait to see if I wanted to go back. They even offered to keep the baby if I wanted to move back home and attend Pensacola Junior College. I don’t see it happening, but you never know.

Cory is staying with me for now and I’m grateful. The quiet always gets me thinking about Mason, so with her loud mouth here for distraction the days pass quicker. In fact, I invited her to my appointment with the heart specialist to keep my thoughts on lock down.

“So, I need to tell you something and I hope you’re okay with it.”

I look up and see her biting her nails while she sits across from me. I shift on the exam table and feel my nerves. “Okay ... shoot.”

“Um … well … I’m kind of seeing someone. Or just his appendage anyway.” I just stare, praying it’s not Mason. I don’t think she’d do that, but I can’t help the feeling of jealousy that settles in my belly. “It’s Ryan.”

Relief has my breath rushing out. “Thank God. I thought you were going to say Mason.”

Now she looks offended. “Oh hell no! There’s only one thing I want to do with his appendage. And that’s stomp it a few times with my spiked heels. And how can you think that? You’re my girl.”

“I know but my mind and emotions have been recently screwed over. Sorry.”

“It’s cool. I know you’ve had a ton of shit handed to you lately.” She comes over and gives me a tight hug. “Are you okay with me fucking Ryan? I mean I know he’s friends with that shitdick. And he’s an annoying ass, but he knows how to lay it on me to make me scream out and purr like Chewbacca. That’s for damn sure.” She winks at me and I can’t help but laugh as she thrusts her hips repeatedly and lets out exaggerated moans, especially when the doctor walks in at the exact same time. Luckily he keeps his professional face on and shakes our hands like he didn’t just catch her dry humping the air.

After a few questions we do another echo and learn that I will need a procedure done shortly after delivery. It’s not open heart—thank goodness—but involves them routing a new valve through one of my main arteries and directing it to my heart. This should fix the issues of breathlessness and dizzy spells. I just wish it could fix the sadness that still has me crying at night.

Later that night we order pizza a watch a movie with Tru and Hero. Cory loves anything sci-fi but also has a soft spot for zombies. I notice her constantly looking at me throughout the movie and it’s starting to piss me off.

Throwing my zebra pillow at her when I catch her again, I ask what her problem is. “Do I have something on my face? I have been bathing lately you know.”

She rubs her nose where the pillow hit. “Ow, bitch. That’s my sniffer.”

“Then stop staring. You’re giving me a bigger complex than I normally have. Now tell me what’s going on.”

“She’s staring because your boobs are as big as mine and the cleavage you’re sporting is amazing.” Tru laughs while shoving popcorn in her mouth. Her confidence has made her cocky. I wink at her because I love her and she’s just so dang cute.

“Now. You...” I point at Cory “...what is going on?”

“Well Ryan just texted me.” She bites her lip and a bad feeling settles in my chest. “Mason is home.”

My recovered good mood disappears and my gut feels like someone just kicked me. I feel the burn in my throat and I swallow, continuously fighting the tears.
No more crying, Jazz. You are over this, remember?
 

Cory and Tru both come over and hold me. My head lays on Tru’s shoulder as she tries to reassure me. “Don’t do this. You didn’t deserve the things he said to you. You didn’t know about professor douche bag’s family. No one did.”  

They continuously tell me how it’s not my fault. How he should have told me he was married instead of lying. My dad has a lawyer as well as a private detective looking into it. If he did it with me, Dad is positive he will do it with other students. Hopefully that’ll provide enough proof against him. If not, then after the baby is born he wants a paternity test to use as proof. I don’t want that bastard in my life or in my daughter’s life. I even told them about the subtle threat he made of taking away my child the day he showed up at my apartment. Dad’s positive he’s bluffing. If anyone on South Alabama’s board was to find out he slept with a student, then he’d be fired. Why risk it?

Once a few minutes have passed I’m more pissed than sad and decide to try and let it go. “I’m good. Just a surprise, that’s all.” Shoving pizza in my mouth, I smile and show my cheesy grin. Literally. This causes them to laugh and the subject seems forgotten. For them anyway.

When the girls leave the next day for class I decide to go to the gym. I know it’s weird for a pregnant woman to work out, but I feel my ass jiggle whenever I move. That’s my cue to do some toning in my derriere. Instead of getting a membership to another gym, I go to the one on campus—no fees because I still have my student ID. I talk to the girl behind the reception desk and she shows me what’s safe and what’s not. My heart condition is no one’s business, so I just nod and do as she says. After a good forty minutes my muscles are burning and I’m sweating like a pig. That is definitely enough.

After I grab my towel I feel someone staring in my direction. Trying to be discrete, I look in the mirror in front of me and see a guy I recognize from Jax and David’s frat house. He’s really good looking with blond hair and brown eyes. He smiles and starts walking over and suddenly I feel out of my element. Where did my flirtatious side go? She must still be buried under a rock because I’m feeling scared and shy instead of sexy and confident. Should I leave or stay? He’s standing behind me before I can make a decision.

“Hey. Jazz, right?”

Turning around to face him, I trip on my bag that sits at my feet and my face smacks right into in sweaty, muscled chest. “Oh Shiznit!”
Sweet lawd baby Jesus! He smells yummy.

He laughs as I pull away but keeps his arms around my waist. My child kicks me hard and I’m positive he felt it because he moves away.

“Little kicker in there, huh?” He shakes his hand like it actually hurt. Unintentionally, I watch his muscles and veins roll up his arm like waves. His forearm gracefully flexes and my eyes follow the movement to his bulging bicep.

  Slapping myself for being weird, I bring my attention back to his chiseled face. “Yeah, she’s like me I guess. Small and feisty.” I stand there like a dumbass, not sure what else to say. “Um … I don’t remember your name, but aren’t you with the same frat as David and Jax?”

He finally backs away and takes a towel out of his back pocket to wipe his face. He’s very good looking, but I feel nothing: no need or urge to flirt; no need to fantasize about driving him wild. What the hell is wrong with me? Am I ruined for all other men?

“Yeah. I even helped you move into your apartment.” He sticks out his hand. “My name is Bo-Bo, but they call me Bo.”

Shaking it, I laugh. “Bo-Bo? What kind of name is that?” If my laughter offends him I really don’t care. Besides, he’s laughing with me so it must be okay.

“Yeah. I know. My name on my birth certificate is top secret. So I just stick with Bo-Bo?”

After the laughter stops the awkwardness surrounds me again. I grab my bag ready to go home where I’m comfortable. “Well, Bo, I really need to get going, but it was nice seeing you again.”

I hurry past him and rush out the door. Before I get to my car I hear my name being yelled very loudly. I know exactly who it is and smile. Turning I see Cory. When my eyes land on Ryan it falls though. Instead of walking my way with her he goes the opposite direction toward an old black car. She hugs me when she reaches my side.

“Hey, chick.”

“Hey.” I look toward Ryan’s direction again, but he’s gone.

“So who’s the hottie with a body eye fuckin’ you, lil’ mama?”

I shake my head with confusion and look where her eyes are directed. When they land on Bo and he waves. I just ignore it and turn back to her. Might be a bitch move, but I’m pregnant and recently heartbroken, so frankly I couldn’t care less

“Nobody important.”

We start walking and she talks about how her classes suck ass without me since I dropped out. I don’t get another word in but I’m fine with it. I’d most likely bring up her relationship with Ryan hoping Mason is mentioned. She seems to have more energy than me lately and keeps the conversation going. I really miss my old self. Maybe she wouldn’t be a glutton for punishment.

After I arrive back home I feel lost in the quiet, so I walk to the nursery and look around. The white crib I ordered finally came in last week. It looks beautiful with its curved, ornate wood and hearts carved in the head and footboard. It took a while to get David and Jax to put the damn thing together, but after I told them I’d do it myself, they finally showed up. Right now it’s sitting in the middle of the room because Cory is still working on the mural. It looks beautiful with a pale yellow castle on a grassy hill and whimsical trees surrounding the valley below. Fairies and sweet creatures are placed in different locations within the kingdom. I sit in the white glider with its pink cushion and rock back and forth while playing with my belly. Smiling and laughing genuinely for the first time in weeks, my stomach rolls with her active movements and I feel a peaceful warmth settle over me. I know deep down it will all be okay. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But one day.