It’s Christmas Everywhere But Here (8 page)

Russ tucked his hands into his armpits and leaned into the corner of the bench.

Randall sat quietly, elbows on his knees, gazing out at the same hills. Were they seeing the same things?

“Dad?”

“Yeah?”

“How do you feel about this? About me and David and the kids?”

Randall rubbed his hands together, examining the scars and calluses. “Not gonna lie, Russ. I do wish you were straight.”

Russ nodded.

“But David is a good man, what little I’ve seen. And he makes you happy. That’s all I ever wanted for you, Russ, was for you to be happy. And you weren’t. For so long, like you said. And I didn’t know why. And now—it’s good to see you smile.”

Russ smiled, though he didn’t turn his head toward his father.

“And you’re a good dad, Russ.” He did turn then, searching his father’s face. “Austin’s got to be a challenge, even more than Max was, but—you do so great with them. They clearly love you, and I can see how much you love them.”

“Thanks. And I meant to say thank you the other day.”

“For?”

“For how you greeted David. Warmly. That means a lot to me.”

Randall pulled Russ’s head in for a brusque kiss. “Cold out.”

“Yeah. Wind’s picking up.”

“Should probably head back inside.”

Russ sighed, sinking lower on the bench. “Probably.”

Neither of them moved. Randall finally reached over and squeezed Russ’s knee. “Thinking of leaving early?”

Russ winced, but his father’s voice held no censure. “Yes.”

“Then you should.” Randall stood. Russ turned his head to look up, vaguely noting that Randall was wearing the new Navy windbreaker.

“I don’t want you to go, Russ. I’d love more time with the grandkids, but you and David need some time alone, and Austin could probably use familiar territory.”

“Yeah.” Russ rose, rubbing his hands on his jeans. “Mom’s not going to like it.”

“Nope.” Randall ambled back toward the house, slow enough Russ easily caught up.

“Thanks for understanding, Dad.”

“Thanks for meeting me halfway.”

They shared a one-armed hug, walking the rest of the way to the house in silence.

The table was set, dinner hot and waiting for them. Russ returned Dave’s look, but with Austin willingly allowing food to be put on his plate, he didn’t interrupt to pull his husband aside.

Doris stood behind the island, repeatedly drawing in breath like she was about to say something but then clamping her jaw shut. There was a small bowl of plain green beans ready that Austin allowed to be placed on his plate. Russ gave her a nod of thanks.

Russ took some of everything, but his plate rather looked like
Austin’s when he sat down: small portions spread out. Randall
volunteered to pray, for which Russ gave private thanks. Randall kept it short and to the point of the food, leaving out the pleading of coming back to the church Doris had taken to including.

Conversation was minimal. Russ made it halfway through the small amount on his plate before he stopped, setting his silverware down. When he glanced around, Doris was staring at her plate, and Emily was chatting with Max and Randall. Russ turned his gaze back to Doris.
You are an adult
, he reminded himself,
capable of making good decisions
. He took a swallow of water.
Mom disapproving doesn’t make it the wrong decision
. “I think we’re going to head home tomorrow.”

Dave’s head came up, but he didn’t say anything.

“Oh, Russ, but….” Doris looked lost, her head swiveling back and forth between Russ and his father. “You said you’d stay through Sunday.”

“No.” Russ shook his head and wished he’d grabbed a glass of wine. “When we originally made plans I said we’d
try
to stay through Sunday, but that it would depend on how Austin did being out of his element.” Austin stared at his plate, munching a green bean bite by tiny bite. Russ didn’t for a moment think his son oblivious to the conversation.

“He’s doing better. Right?”

“No.” Russ sat back, arms crossed. He realized his body posture was defensive but chose to leave it that way. “He’s not talking. He hides under the covers or plays his DS. Or both. And he’s worn the same clothes the last two days. All of those things are signs of him trying to control his environment because something is stressing him out.

“Not being home, meeting new people, David coming home. That’s a lot of excitement for him.” Russ deliberately avoided pointing out the cookie incident. Doris stared at her potatoes anyway.

“Well, we’ll miss you, Russ, but if that’s what you think is best.” Randall too looked at his plate. Russ flashed him a grateful smile.

“And I’d like to get home and get some civvies to wear.” Dave tugged at his fatigue T-shirt.

Russ looked down at the nudge at his elbow. Austin’s fingers twisted in the edge of the tablecloth. “You finished?”

The dark head nodded.

“You sure you don’t want one more green bean?”

Nod.

“Can I have it, then?”

Austin grabbed a bean in his fist and held it up. Russ grinned, biting the proffered bean in half. It got him a giggle. “Hey, don’t run off.” He twisted enough to catch Austin around the midsection. “Wash your hands. Then pick out one or two toys for the car ride home tomorrow. Okay?”

Nod.

Russ let him go and heard the footsteps pounding down the hall and the bathroom sink running.

“Well.” Doris was moving food around her plate again. Russ caught himself doing the same thing and deliberately speared a bit of green bean. “You can have a nice lunch before we send you on your way.”

Russ forced a smile, swallowing several times to get the lump of green bean down his throat. “Actually, we’ll probably leave after an early breakfast. We left the fridge empty, and I don’t want to get home at nine, ten at night and have to go grocery shopping.”

“Plus.” Dave wiped his mouth on the cloth napkin, “Unless things have changed, Austin was more flexible in the mornings after a good night’s sleep. In the evenings he’d get worn out and unmanageable.”

Russ tried to keep the wince off his face at the final word. He reached over to squeeze Dave’s bicep and smile, truly smile, at his husband. “No, that’s still pretty accurate. Okay in the mornings, overloaded in the evenings.”

“Do you need me to help pack?”

Russ slid his hand down Dave’s arm until they held hands across Austin’s empty seat. He tried to let everyone else at the table fade into the background. “Yeah, actually, babe. If we could get the presents loaded tonight, and most of our clothes and stuff, except what we’re going to wear tomorrow, that’ll save a lot of time in the morning.”

“Yeah, then we can just pack ourselves and whatever snacks we’re going to take and head out.” Dave squeezed his hand back.

“You might want to fill up tonight too.” Max’s suggestion broke the spell, but he merely smiled in the face of Russ’s glare.

“Dad, may I be excused?”

“Yeah.”

“Sure, Ems.” Russ shot a sidelong glance at Dave, to find a similar look heading his way.

“Ems,” Russ started.

“I heard. I’ll pick out a couple things and see if I can get Aus to decide.”

“Thanks, hon.”

Russ felt like eating again and pulled his hand away from Dave to pick up his fork.

“So. It sounds like you’re decided.” Doris twisted her napkin back and forth.

“Yup, I think so.” Yes, that felt—right. Dave popped another bite into his mouth.

Dinner concluded in awkward silence, Russ the last one at the table, finishing off a second half-f plate. Doris was in the kitchen when he took his plate in, rattling pans around. “I’ll make popovers for tomorrow.”

“That sounds good.” Dave loaded the plate in the dishwasher and rinsed off his hands. “I’m gonna run and gas up the truck. Do you need anything from the store?”

“No. Thank you, though.” She wasn’t looking at him, concentrating on lining up her ingredients on the counter.

“Sure.”

He was halfway across the dining room when her soft “Russell?” stopped him.

“Yeah?”

“Why are you really going home?”

Russ stopped, leaning on a chair, not sure how to answer. She was part of the reason, but if he said that, there would be tears.

“Is it because you want to—
be
with David?”

Russ blew out his breath in relief. “That is certainly part of it. But the points about Austin are also valid.”

Doris nodded, her back still to him.

The silence stretched out. Russ tried to think of something to say, but “I’m sorry” accepted blame, and nothing else leaped to mind.

“This wasn’t the Christmas I wanted.” Doris’s voice remained soft.

Russ managed to swallow his “Then you should lower your expectations” comment. Him being gay was not a
lowered
expectation, it was a
different
expectation. Russ lifted his gaze away from the baseboard.

“You know, Mom, one thing Austin taught me was that having expectations often means having them disappointed. It was difficult getting over my expectations of how he ‘should’ behave and just accepting him. But when I did, it made life with him so much more fun. I was able to enjoy the moment, just as it was, rather than be frustrated it didn’t reach some imaginary bar I’d set.” Russ shrugged. “And I found myself applying that philosophy to other areas of my life, and my stress level dropped accordingly.”

“Are you not enforcing rules with them, Russell?”

Russ growled out his breath, rubbing at his temple. “No, that’s
—
you missed the point. There are bedtimes and chores, and they have to get their homework done. What I’m trying to say is….” Russ took a breath and gazed at the ceiling. “At my birthday the cake was a moldy shade of green, and the presents were wrapped in baby-shower paper. I could get frustrated because they were ‘wrong,’ or I can enjoy the fact that my kids are silly and love me. I chose to laugh. And had a double-size piece of cake.”

“I’m not sure I understand.” Doris watched him, her hands clasped in a dishtowel.

“I’m—not sure I can explain it any better, Mom.”

She nodded, her gaze falling to the floor. “You’d better go get gas if you’re going to load the truck tonight.”

Russ nodded back. “Okay.”

It took Russ twenty-five minutes to make the round trip into town and fuel up. Surprisingly, he returned to find a pile of suitcases and boxes by the front door. The box Randall was setting down contained Russ’s Christmas presents. “You’re done already?”

“That’s Navy efficiency for you!”

Russ groaned and pulled his jacket fully back on. “You two made this an Army/Navy thing, didn’t you?”

Max stuck his head around the corner from the living room. “Russ, run for it. And take me with you.”

“Stop whining and grab a box.” Russ grabbed one to demonstrate and pulled the front door back open.

“I don’t have shoes on.”

“Prissy bitch.” Russ rolled his eyes at his brother and headed back out into the cold.

At least with Dave and Randall convinced they each had something to prove, the truck got quickly packed. One suitcase remained inside, along with the kids’ travel bags. Russ ignored the ribbing Dave gave Randall and headed in out of the cold.

Fresh hot chocolate and a plate of cookies waited in the living room.

“So,” Max piped up when Randall and Dave were finally in and hanging up their coats, “who won? The squid or the grunt?”

Russ flopped down on the couch, cookie in hand. “Neither.”

“What?”

“Hey, now….”

Dave and Randall both glared at him.

“
I
won. Because thanks to your silly competition, I barely had to lift a finger loading the truck.” Russ grinned at the pair around his bite of cookie.

Dave and Randall turned to look at each other.

“Did your son just call the Army-Navy rivalry ‘silly’?”

“I think he did. Not sure I want to claim him as my son after that.”

“I know how you feel.”

Russ almost flipped them off before he remembered his mother sitting across the way.

“So, Ems decided we’re going to play Hand and Foot,” Max drawled.

“Uncle Max is on my team,” Emily declared, already shuffling the combined decks.

“Yup. So, since we pick teams youngest first, that means it’s David’s turn.” Max’s grin was dangerous. “So you gonna pick your boyfriend or your fellow servicewoman?”

“Uncle Max,” Emily paused to finish the shuffle, “are you insinuating being a woman is a bad thing?”

Max froze, staring wide-eyed at his niece.

Dave coughed to hide a laugh, catching Russ’s eye before looking over at Randall. “Truce?”

“Temporary.” They shook and took up positions opposite each other.

Russ shook his head. “Mom, you want to play?”

“I’ve got the popovers baking. And I can never remember the rules.”

“Oh, goodie. I get to sit here and heckle.” Russ rubbed his hands together.

“Or you could make yourself useful and make popcorn.”

Russ popped up and planted a kiss on Dave’s ear. “Great idea. Emily, don’t kick your dad’s butt until I get back, please.”

“Then you’d better hurry.” Emily had her concentration face on.

“We haven’t even dealt yet!”

“You say that like it matters.” Russ walked out of the room laughing, feeling lighter than he had in days.

D
ORIS
, R
USS
realized, could stall with the best of them.

They did not have the proper jam, and someone
had
to go to the store and get it before they could have the popovers.

Were they certain they did not need cookies, fruit, or possibly zucchini bread to go on the trip with them? It wouldn’t take that long to make, after all.

As a last resort, Doris disappeared into her bedroom to “get ready” just as they were putting the last things into the SUV.

“Do you know when it really clicked for me that girls were not it?” Russ sat next to Dave on the hearth, watching Emily and Max play slapjack.