Read I'm Judging You Online

Authors: Luvvie Ajayi

I'm Judging You (3 page)

SOS Pals will call you whenever they're in crisis mode and need help. You might have to loan them money, bail them out of jail, or act as their alibi when they've been doing something they weren't supposed to. They're broke; you get a call. They need a job; your inbox blows up. They're sad that day; you get a sad emoji in your texts. You've put on your therapist/caretaker suit for them, and now you are the Batman to their Gotham. This is co-dependence and it can become unhealthy, especially when your relationship with this friend is reliant on you always playing Captain Save-a-Pal.

You do it because this is what friends are for, not because you're expecting some medal of honor. However, this principle falls to pieces when you do not hear from SOS Pal when things are on the upswing for them. In bad times, you're in their phone's “Favorites” list, but in good times, you only find out what they're up to via social media along with everyone else. You go from bestie to follower quick, finding out that they're now engaged or they got that promotion at the same time as their seventh-grade classmate who they just friended on Facebook the week before, when normally they're taking the “call me anytime you need” mantra literally with 3:00 a.m. sobbing conversations. They know your number when they have a dilemma but forget it for celebrations.

SOS Pal also does not call you to check up on you, and there have been times when they called you in their emergency and you mentioned yours, but they brushed it aside, because “this is about
my
pain.” You end up feeling taken advantage of because your friendship is truly one-sided.

When I was in college, my BFF was the de facto therapist of our dorm floor. People would go to her room at all hours to vent and cry and whine and throw tantrums. She was an always-present listening ear who was wise beyond her twenty-year-old self.
Everyone
was an SOS Pal to her, because none of us seemed to realize she was going through her own struggles and heartbreak. Then one day she left a note on the dry-erase board on her door: “I've run away. Wipe your own asses from now on. 
—
Management.”

Touché. Tou all the chés.

We have all been SOS Pals at some point in our lives. But when we are out of our crisis beds, we need to make an effort to also be there for those who we just used as pillows. Don't drop your burdens on people without also being willing to drop some blessings on them, too. They are not your dumping ground for life's problems.

How do you know if you're an SOS Pal? Look at the last texts or calls or e-mails you've sent to your good friends. Have they been all about you for some time? Then yes, you are one. Call your friends up and ask how
they're
doing.

The friend who will one day get us beat up or arrested (The Adventurer)

There are some friends who push us out of our comfort zones, and The Adventurer (aka Reckless Robin) is that type of friend. They live life on the edge, and sometimes it gets them into messy situations. They act like rock stars, but without the fame and money.

The Adventurer is captain of Team No Chill because they love being spontaneous in every way. They can turn a simple brunch into an event worth telling a story about later. You love them for keeping you on your toes, but you kinda fear for your safety when you're with them. Going out with them is like going on the Oregon Trail: you might end up having an exciting adventure or you might end up with dysentery. They really do epitomize “Turn Up” and “Rules Are Made to Be Broken.” They are basically that friend your parents warned you about.

The Adventurer enjoys drama. You're probably afraid to travel with them
—
what if you end up in jail on another continent because they convinced you to visit that museum after it closed? I lack survival skills, and I don't need my life to resemble a sequel to
The Hangover
. Although my Adventurer friend can be a great time, like when she took me to get a tattoo in Miami at 1:00 a.m. (from Lil Wayne's artist), we got my friend's mini-Chihuahua drunk off two strawfuls of margarita at Wet Willie's, and then we slept by a pool at a random hotel until morning. Then we got our luggage and went straight to the airport, smelling and looking like last night's bad (but fun) decisions. Good times.

Adventurer friends are down for anything, and sometimes that means they're also down to fight. You're afraid to go out with them because they might say something that somebody will take the wrong way, and then you might find yourself having to defend them. You realize that even though you know how to talk mad shit, when it comes down to the actual execution of a proper fight, you are ill equipped. You'd both get your asses beat if a Jets versus Sharks situation were to go down. You have to hope it never comes to that and that you can instead just circle each other and settle it with a Running Man competition.

Still, everyone needs at least one person in their squad to keep life interesting and to be in charge of their bachelor/bachelorette party, even if you'll end up late to the altar, hungover and wondering if you broke some vows before even reciting them.

If you're this friend, I'm not really judging you as much as envying you. You have way better stories than I do. Also, no, I do not want to come to Antarctica to float on a glacier for three days. I'll be looking forward to your pics, though! Send me a postcard.

The friend you don't/can't trust (The Lannister)

There are some people who we feel we are obligated to remain friends with because of either proximity or history. Maybe you were born at the same hospital on the same day, and your moms are BFFs because of it. Or maybe you have so many friends in common there's no way you won't have to see or hang out with this person. You might really enjoy their company because they're fun to be around. Unfortunately, you know you can't trust them. They have done things in the past to others around you, and you can tell that they could easily do the same to you. Like the time they slept with your other friend's boo. Or when they stole from someone and got caught. Maybe they did something traitorous and later apologized, but there are some things you cannot come back from. Again, they might have done nothing to you personally, but like Mother Maya Angelou says, “When people show you who they are, believe them.”

So you know The Lannister is not to be truly trusted. You would not leave them alone in your house, and they surely cannot stay overnight. You don't mind inviting them to brunch, but you have to compartmentalize the friendship. Keeping them at arm's length is your best bet, and a way to keep them from infiltrating your life with foolishness. College was full of these friends, but you managed to drop many of them after the pomp and circumstance of graduation.

This type of person will stab you in the back, and then they'll use that same knife to butter their bread at your group brunch the next week. Basically, they're a Lannister from
Game of Thrones
. You might not like hanging out with them, but it's safer to be able to keep an eye on them. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

The friend who you don't really know (The Surface)

We all have that mysterious friend who we've known for years and years. We might have gone to elementary school, high school,
and
college with them. They are part of so many of our memories that they are more than just acquaintances. However, you don't really know them beyond the surface level because they are very guarded with everything. They take real Gs moving in silence like gnomes to new heights. Are they in a relationship? You have no idea. What is their pet's name? When did they get a pet, anyway? What kind of job do they have? You're not sure. Are they in the CIA?!

I feel like everyone knows this friend, a Tommy from the TV show
Martin
. I like to know what the people in my life do for a living. Does that make me nosy? If so, I'm okay with it. I just enjoy knowing that everyone in my circle is gainfully employed and prospering at whatever occupation they've chosen. And unless being forever unemployed is your stated life choice, I expect to know something about how you make your livelihood.

One of the things we all assume is that to function as an adult you have to make money, and to do that you have to get a job. Unless you're a trust-fund baby. But one day, we realize that one (or a couple) of our friends seemingly have jobs, and yet no one knows what they do. We try our best to get clues from them, and they never give us a straight answer. We even ask if they're on LinkedIn (because at least that will tell us) and when we finally find them, the only info on their profile is the college they went to. (I see what you did there
—
you've won this round.) Their major isn't listed, or it's something like “Liberal Studies.” If y'all went to college together, you don't remember them even being at graduation, because they probably skipped the ceremony to go to some concert. Maybe you saw their degree once in a Facebook picture, but only their name was visible. So at least they're post-bac.

When you realize that Google isn't turning up anything useful either, you decide to ask them outright. “WHAT. DO. YOU. DO?” Then they act like telling you would put the republic's security in jeopardy, giving a completely vague answer that leaves you even more confused than you were to begin with. Sir, are you a member of B613? Are you a secret operative on an undercover mission to make us all question your ability to hold down a job? What is the big deal?

Look here, Tommy. You with your clear business card and your office in the building with no windows: I hope what you're doing isn't illegal. In fact, maybe it's best you
don't
tell me. If I get a random subpoena one day with your name on it, it's best that when I say “I don't know,” I'm not lying. I should probably stay in the dark.

With The Surface, you just come to accept that you will never know what they do or too much about their life at all. You love them anyway, even though every time they start talmbout
5
their rough day at work all vaguely, you wanna yell “WHAT IS IT THAT YOU DO, TOMMY?!” But again, you've reached acceptance. They're still the homie. But … side-eye.

The friend who is mean (The Frenemy)

Some “friends” make you wonder why you have enemies, because they are literal mean girls or boys. They've made it their job and their life's purpose to use you or someone else in your group as a verbal punching bag. They might try to disguise it with backhanded compliments, but their true colors shine through. They're good for uttering statements like “Let's go out to eat tomorrow. I know you don't go to the gym now,” as they look you up and down. They throw so much shade that you have to use your flashlight app when you're around them. The worst part is that because they know your insecurities, they're adept at picking at your emotional scabs.

Why are you still friends? Probably because they weren't always like this, and the good memories from your long friendship prevent you from dropping them like a bad habit. However, at this point they are one more comment away from you kicking them in the ankles. Maybe life is rough for them right now, but they don't have the right to be such buttwipes. Actually, drop them. Maybe when they learn to be nicer people you can be friends again. Or not.

The friend who yeses you to death (The Enabler)

Friendship isn't about having the exact same opinion all the time, or never having an argument. Friends should also be able to tell us tough truths and help correct things we do that aren't on point. This is why the friend who cheers on every single thing you do is not the best. They never challenge you, even when something you do is obviously wrong. Take them shopping and they will convince you that everything you pick up will look amazing on you. You test them by picking out some jersey culottes, and they swoon. This is how you know they cannot be taken at their word. Culottes look good on nobody, and when they're jersey knit, the number of wedgies one will get throughout the day is unforgivable. Friends don't let friends wear jersey culottes unironically.

Your enabling friend is a sweetheart, and the opposite of a mean girl. You just wish they'd have a differing opinion once in a blue moon. But you enjoy the fact that you can go to them and get a high five for even the dumbest things you do.

The friend who is undependable (The Flake)

Then there's that person we all know and love who is as unreliable as a meteorologist in Chicago. You live in the same city as them, but you only see them once a year. Why? Because their superpower is that they will find a way to flake out of any and every event. How do you catch a cloud and pin it down? You cannot. Flaky friends just cannot help themselves. They love making plans, but the day or the night before, they send you a text with some vague excuse as to why they cannot make it. That's actually them being
good
with follow-through, because sometimes they cancel at the time you were supposed to meet. You're sitting at the table next to the window when you get a text from them about how they got stuck in the suburbs, and you shake your fist because you should have known better. The worst is when they “forget” you even have plans at all, and you wait for an hour before hitting them up and get the “OMG WAS THAT TODAY?” routine. Dambit!

The Flake is just so undependable, and it's a lesson you will learn over and over again. You love them dearly, but if you're ever on fire, they will say they'll put you out and then show up without a bucket of water because they forgot their neighbor borrowed it. Come on! You had one job. ONE. JOB. Ugh.

This friend is good for one thing: when you want to have a reason
not
to go somewhere. Use them as an excuse and no one who knows them will think to blame you. “Aw, man! I really wanted to go, but I made plans with The Flake, and then she canceled at the last minute. So unfortunate.” *Sips wine*

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