How to train your dragon (7 page)

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leaped into the mud. He rolled over and over in the oozy muck, spreading out his wings and squirming happily.

"I'm bonding with him," said Hiccup, "so he'll want to do what I say."

"Hiccup," said Fishlegs, as Toothless sucked up a good mouthful of the mud and spat it out straight into Hiccup's face, "I may not know much about dragons, but I
do
know that they are the most selfish creatures on Earth. No dragon is ever going to do what you want out of gratitude. Dragons do not know what gratitude is. Give up. This will NEVER WORK."

"Tie tiling about us it-h-hragons," said Toothless, helpfully, "is we're s-s-survivors. We're not like s-s-sappy cats or it-it-huijib itogs, failing in l-l-love with their Masters and yocky things like that.

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Only reason we ever do what a what a m-m-man wants is because he's b-b-bigger than us and. gives us food."

"What's he saying?" asked Fishlegs.

"Pretty much what you're saying," said Hiccup.

"N-n-never trust a dragon," said Toothless, cheerfully hopping out of the wallow and helping himself to one of the winkles that Hiccup had found for him (Toothless was particularly fond of winkles -- "J-j-just like picking your n-n-nose," he had said). "That's what my-m-m-mother taught me in the nest, and she shoud know."

Hiccup sighed. It was true. Toothless was cute to look at, and very good company -- if a little demanding. However, you only had to look into his big, innocent, heavily lashed eyes to realize that he was totally without morals. The eyes were ancient, the eyes of a killer. You might as well ask a crocodile or a shark to be your friend. Hiccup wiped the mud off his face.

"I'll think of something else," said Hiccup.

February turned into March and Hiccup was still thinking. A few flowers made the mistake of appearing and were immediately blasted out of existence by a

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couple of hard frosts that had kept themselves back for this very purpose.

Fishlegs could now get Horrorcow to "go" and "stay" on command. Hiccup was still struggling to teach Toothless the basics of toilet training.

"NO FOOING IN THE KITCHEN," said Hiccup for the hundredth time, carrying Toothless outside after yet another accident.

'Is w-w-warmer in the kitchen," whined

Toothless.

"But poos go OUTSIDE, You KNO
W that
," said Hiccup, at the end of his tether.

Toothless promptly pooed all over Hiccup's hands and down his tunic. J

"Is OUTSIDE, is OUTSIDE, is OUTSIDE," crowed Toothless.

At this inopportune moment, Snotlout and Dogsbreath came sauntering past Stoick's house on the way back from the beach, their dragons on their shoulders. "Well, well, well," sneered Snotlout, "if it isn't the USELESS, covered in dragon poo. It actually quite suits you."

"Hur, Hur, Hur," snorted Dogsbreath.

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"That's not a dragon," jeered Seaslug, Dogsbreath's dragon, who was an ugly great Gronckle with a pug nose and a mean temper, "that's a newt with wings."

"That's not a dragon," scoffed Fireworm, Snotlout's dragon, who was as big a bully as her master, "that's an ickle newborn bunny wabbit with a pathetic pooproblem."

Toothless gave a gasp of fury.

Snotlout showed Hiccup the immense heap of fish that he had wrapped up in his cloak.

"Look what Fireworm and Seaslug caught down at the beach. And it only took a couple of hours. ..."

Fireworm coughed, flexed a shining muscle or two, and looked at her claws in fake modesty. "Oh, pease," she drawled. "I wasn't even CONCCEN-Tr\ATItfG. If I was TRYING, I could do it in ten minutes, with one wing tied, behind my back."

"Excuse me
while I throw up
," muttered Toothless to Horrorcow, who was regarding Fireworm with disapproval in her big brown eyes.

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"We reckon Fireworm could be a bit of a HUNTING LEGEND," grinned Snotlout. "I hear that Horrorcow is partial to carrots. . . . Has the Toothless Wonder gotten up the nerve to attack a vegetable? Carrots are a bit crunchy but perhaps he could manage the odd squished cucumber. . . . You could give it to him through a straw perhaps. ..."

"HUR, HUR, HUR." Dogsbreath laughed so hard that snot came snorting out of his nose.

"Careful, Dogsbreath," said Fishlegs politely, "your brains are coming out."

Dogsbreath bashed him hard and the two boys staggered off, Fireworm making a lunge at Toothless that nearly took his eye out as he went past.

As soon as they were safely out of earshot, Toothless jumped out of Hiccup's arms and coughed out sheets of flame in a menacing manner.

"Bullies! Yellowbellies! Come closer and Toothess'll fry you to a frazzle! Toothess'll drag out yer guts and, play'em on a harp! Toothess'll... Toothless'll... Toothless'll... well, you just better not come any closer, that's all... !"

"Oh, very brave, Toothless," said Hiccup sarcastically. "If you shout louder they might even, hear you."

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Chapter 9 FEAR, VANITY, REVENGE, AND SILLY JOKES

March turned into April and April turned into May. After Fireworm's remark about the pathetic bunny rabbit, Toothless never pooed in the kitchen again. But Hiccup hadn't made any further progress in training him.

It was still raining, but it was a warm rain. The wind was blowing, but it was a less furious wind. It was just about possible to stand upright.

The gulls' eggs were hatching on the rocks and the parent gulls dive-bombed Hiccup and Fishlegs when they came to the Long Beach to practice.

"KILL, Horrorcow, KILL," said Fishlegs to Horrorcow, who was calmly perched on his shoulder. "You could have that Black-backed Gull for breakfast, he's barely half your size. Honestly, Hiccup, I give up, I don't know how I'm going to pass the hunting section of the test, Horrorcow just doesn't have the killer instinct. She'd never survive in the wild."89

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Hiccup laughed hollowly. "You think YOU'VE got problems? Toothless and I are failing right from the beginning: the basic obedience commands, the retrieval, the compulsory exercises, the hunting -- the lot."

"It can't be
that
bad," said Fishlegs.

"Watch," said Hiccup.

The boys moved along the beach a bit, out of range of the gulls.

They started practicing the most basic command of all: "go." The dragon was supposed to stand, bolt upright, on the handler's outstretched arm. The handler would then bark the command as loudly as possible while simultaneously lifting his arm to fling the dragon into the air. The dragon was supposed to soar gracefully into flight when the handler's arm reached its highest point.

Horrorcow yawned, scratched, and slowly flapped off, grumbling to herself.

Toothless was even less obedient.

"GO!" yelled Hiccup.

Hiccup flung his arm up. Toothless hung on.

"I said GO!" Hiccup repeated in frustration.

"W-w-why g-g-go?" shuddered Toothless, gripping even tighter.

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"Just go GO GO GO GO!!!!" screamed Hiccup, flapping his arm up and down frantically, with Toothless hanging on to it for dear life.

Toothless stayed.

"Toothless," said Hiccup, as reasonably as he could, "please go. If you don't start going when I tell you to, we are both going be thrown into exile."

"But I don't w-w-want to go," Toothless pointed out, equally reasonably.

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Fishlegs watched the whole process in appalled amazement. "You really do have problems," he said in an awed voice.

"Yup," said Hiccup. He finally managed to uncurl Toothless's claws, which had relaxed their grip for a second, and pushed him off. Toothless landed on the sand with a squeal of outrage, and immediately attached himself to Hiccup's leg, getting a good grip on the sandals with his talons, and wrapping his wings around Hiccup's calf.

"N-n-not going," said Toothless stubbornly.

"It can't get much worse than this," said Hiccup, "so I'm going to try a new tack."

He took out the notebook in which he had been jotting down all he knew about dragons in the hope that it might be useful. "DRAGON MOTIVATION .. ."

Hiccup read aloud, "Number one. GRATITUDE."

Hiccup sighed. "Number two. FEAR. That works, but I can't do it. Three, four, five: GREED,

VANITY, and REVENGE. Those are all worth a try.

Six. JOKES AND RIDDLING TALK. Only if I'm

desperate."

"This has got to be a first," drawled Fishlegs, "but

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[Image: paper bit]

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[
KING DRAGONS
and THEIR EGGS

THE MONSTROUS NIGHTMARE

' The Monstrous Nightmare is the largest and most terrifying
of
the domestic

dragons. Dazzling flyers, magnificent hunters, and fearsome fighters, they can be wild and difficult to train. By
unofficial vik
ing Law, only a chief or the son 0f a chief can own one.

STATISTICS

COLORS: Emerald green, brilliant scarlet, deepest purple.

ARMED WITH: Scary fangs, extra-extendable claws 9

DEFENSES:

Nightmares don't need defenses... 2

RADAR: None 0

POISON: Bite is slightly poisonous 3 HUNTING ABILITY: Amazing to watch 10

SPEED: Fast 7

FEAR AND FIGHT FACTOR:

Very, very scary 10]

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I'm with Gobber the Belch on this one. Why don't you just yell a bit louder?"

Hiccup ignored him.

"Okay, Toothless," said Hiccup to the little dragon, who was pretending to be asleep as he held on to Hiccup's leg. "For every, fish you catch me I will give you two more lobsters when you get home."

Toothless opened his eyes. "A-a-alive?" he said eagerly. "C'C-can Toothless kill them? P-p-please? Just this once?"

"No, Toothless," said Hiccup, firmly, "I keep on telling you,
it
isn't kind to torture creatures smaller than yourself."

Toothless closed his eyes again. "You're so
b-b-
boring," he said sulkily.

"You're such a clever, quick dragon, Toothless," Hiccup flattered, "I bet you could catch more fish than any of tie others on Thor'siiay. Thurshday if you wanted to."

Toothless opened his eyes to consider the matter. "T-t-twice as many," he said modestly. "But I don't w-w-want to."

This was unanswerable. Hiccup crossed

VANITY off his list.

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"You know that big red. Fireworm dragon who was so rude to you?" said Hiccup.

Toothless spat on the ground in indignation. "S-s-said I was a newt with wings. S-s-said I was an incontinent bunny r-r-rabbit. T-t-toothless going to T-t-toothless going to k-k-kiol her. Toothless going to s-s-scratch her to death. T-t-toothless going to --"

"Yes, yes,"said Hiccup hastily. "That Fire-woriji dragon and her master who looks like a pig think that Fireworm is going to catch more fish thatn anybody else at the Thor'sday Thursday celebrations. Think how stupid they are going to look if YOU win tie prize for Most Promising Dragon instead of her."

Toothless got off Hiccup's leg. "I W-W-WILL think about that," said Toothless. He waddled off a couple of feet and thought about it.

Five minutes later he was still thinking. He let out the odd chuckle every now and then, but every time Hiccup said, "So, how about it, then?" he just replied, "S-s-still thinking. Go away."

With a sigh, Hiccup put a line through REVENGE.

"Okay," said Fishlegs, looking over Hiccup's shoulder. "You've tried everything else. How about

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JOKES AND RIDDLING TALK? I assume you're desperate."

"Toothless," said Hiccup, "If you catch me a nice big mackerel you will be the cleverest, fastest dragon on Berk AND you will make that Fireworm dragon look like an idiot AND you will have all tie lobsters you can eat when we get horne AND I will tell you a really good joke."

Toothless turned around. "T-t-toothless loves jokes." He flapped on to Hiccup's arm again. "All right. Toothless helf you. B-b-but NOT because me being n-n-nice or anything yucky. ..."

"No, no," said Hiccup. "Of course not."

"Us d-d-dragons cruel and. mean. But we do love a j-j-joke. Tell me NOW."

Hiccup laughed. "No way.

AFTER you bring me a mackerel."

"Okay then," said Toothless. He jumped off Hiccup's arm into the air.

A dragon hunting is a very impressive sight, even a scrawny infant one like Toothless. He flew across the beach in his usual untidy, lopsided fashion, shrieking a few insults along the way at any cormorants that looked smaller than him. But as soon as he reached the