How To Avoid Death On A Daily Basis: Book Three (10 page)

Despite the casual and friendly way the offer had been made, I was under no illusions as to what would happen if I said no to working for Gullen Santan, Road Planner.

“What about the others?” I asked him.

“I’m sure we could find them something to do in Dargot. Or, they could carry on their adventures without you. It’s a big world with lots of interesting things in it.”

Yeah, that could kill you. But I could see them all settling down. Maurice opening a small bicycle shop. Dudley and Flossie running a karaoke bar. None of them bothering me anymore. It could be quite nice.

Biadet placed a small bowl of creme brulee on the table and narrowed her eyes like a gunfighter. I leaned back and let her take the first bite.

“Under normal circumstances, I would encourage you to roam around a bit, too, but these are troubled times, I’m afraid,” said Gullen. “As you know, Fengarad is under siege at the moment. The lizardman are encamped on their doorstep with more arriving daily. It’s quite a worry.”

“I did wonder about that. I thought our army supposed to be keeping the monsters at bay. Were they defeated?”

“We don’t know. We stopped receiving reports weeks ago, and the people we sent to investigate never returned. It’s a bit of a mystery. We are, as you would expect, preparing a counterstrike, but it’s going to take some time raising the troops and calling in reinforcements. We’ll just have to hope Fengarad can hold out until then. Lizardmen don’t take prisoners.”

It was grim news, but there wasn’t much I could do to help. And if there was, I wasn’t doing it.

“That’s where someone like you comes in useful. Who better to unravel a mystery. With your ability to look at things from a different perspective, I’m sure you could spot things we’ve missed. ”

I started eating quickly. I hadn’t lost my appetite yet, but I could feel I was about to.

“Not that I would send someone like you to border.”

“You wouldn’t?” My eating slowed.

“Oh no. You’re far too valuable a resource to place at risk. Not only did you vanquish the Mouse King, you avoided capture by the lizardmen and escaped the clutches of the trolls. Something no one has ever managed to do before. I look forward to hearing the details. Boys like you don’t come along very often.”

He really had been keeping tabs on us. I guessed he didn’t know exactly how we’d managed to faff our way through those predicaments, but he was happy to lavish me with praise and admiration. Don’t worry, I know when I’m being buttered up. That’s how people get you to do things you would never normally do. Horrible things.

That outfit looks great on you. Try this hat on. Amazing. That colour really suits you. Now, let’s go out, have a good time, round up some Jews, then back to mine for drinks. Sound good?

“In any case,” continued Gullen, “we’ve already dispatched a team of specialists to gather information for us. You know them of course. Gideon and his party.”

I stared at him blankly. Who the fuck was Gideon? “I’m sorry, I don’t think I know anyone called Gideon.”

“Really? They arrived with you. He’s a handsome boy with a tattoo down one arm.”

“Oh. Right.” He meant the Cool Kids. I’d wondered what had happened to them. “That’s great, then. I’m sure they’ll bring you the answers you’re looking for.”

“Yes,” said Gullen, “I have every confidence in them. But it will take time as these things always do. And you have only just got here, so, please, get used to the city, make yourself at home, and if you have any questions…”

I was relieved he wasn’t pressing me into service straight away. “Actually, yes I did want to ask you something. On our way here two soldiers attacked us. They were dressed in your city’s uniform.”

Gullen looked surprised. “Are you sure?”

I told him what had happened. He listened intently, asking questions about where it happened, what armour they wore, what kind of weapons they used. I reduced Mandy’s injuries to being knocked unconscious since the true severity of her wound would only raise awkward questions.

“That is very strange. We should have no patrols in that area at the moment.”

“The really weird thing is that it was only when she mentioned we’d been captured by trolls that they freaked out. It made me wonder if maybe they were trolls.”
 

“What do you mean?”

“You know, because trolls can change their appearance to look like humans.”

Gullen jumped to his feet. “What!?”

“You didn’t know? I’ve seen them do it. They can mould their bodies like clay, taking on any appearance. Would make them excellent spies.”

Gullen was reeling. He had to put a hand on the table to steady himself. I was quite enjoying watching the Chief of Intelligence learn a thing or two. Perhaps he didn’t know everything after all.

“I have to go. I have things I must attend to.” He staggered towards the door. “Please, finish your meal and then Biadet will take you to your friends. My apologies.” He left the room.

I finished my dessert in silence. It was a big eerie room, even more so now that it was just me in there. I put down my spoon and waited but no one came. I looked around for a bell to ring but I couldn’t see one.

I was about to get up and leave when an inexplicable urge made me lift the tablecloth and look under the table. Sitting there, cross-legged with her eyes closed, was Biadet.

“What are you doing?”

“I am protecting you,” she said without opening her eyes. “You’re a valuable resource.”

“Who are you protecting me from?”

“Villains.”

I felt like telling her the only villain in the vicinity was the one she was working for. “Do you really think there are people in this city who want to kill me?”

She opened her eyes and looked at me, her head tilting slightly to match the angle of mine. “I think there are people in your party who want to kill you.”

Perceptive little freak. “Why is it I only ever seem to meet precocious young girls? I wonder if the boys in this world are as unusual.”
 

“Oh,” said Biadet in a manner I didn’t appreciate. “So it’s like that?”

“I just meant I was curious about boys in this world.”

“Yes. Curious. It would explain a lot.”

“Hey! Just… cut that out. It wouldn’t explain anything, because there’s nothing to explain.”

“Would you like me to take you to the rest of your people?”

“Yes. I would.” I dropped the tablecloth in a bit of a huff and stood up. I turned around and nearly jumped out of my skin.

“What?” said Biadet.

“How did you… You were under there and now you’re… Are you some kind of ninja?”
 

“Nin-jaah.” She said it like she was sucking on a sherbet dab. “What is this nin-jaah?”

“Never mind. Let’s go.”

I could have probably have found the others myself. The noise was hard to miss. Laughing, shouting, squealing—it sounded like they were having the time of their lives.

Biadet led me through double doors into an enormous room with a table piled high with food. My dinner had been very nice, but this was a feast.

The others were all seated around the table having a lovely time stuffing their faces while maids and butlers whooshed around serving them. I counted at least six, all adult-size.

“And then the bunnicorns started chasing us!” More laughter.

My group of little misfits were reminiscing and sharing war stories. And they were all drunk. While I was navigating my way through a minefield with Li’l Himmler, here they were letting it all hang out and getting very, very wasted. It was annoying.

Not that there was any real danger, but it was still foolish to let their guards down in a strange place where we didn’t know if we could trust anyone. If some kind of threat had materialised… who was I kidding? Drunk or sober, they wouldn’t stand a chance either way. It was still annoying, though.

And the thing that really annoyed me was Sonny, sitting at the head of the table like he was King of the Castle. He was laughing and drinking along with the rest of them like he was just another member of the gang. No, not just another member. The leader.

Part of me wanted to hand over the reins to him and say, “They’re all yours. See ya,” but that was just me feeling a little underappreciated and sorry for myself. Or normal, as I like to call it.

“Hey! Colin!” called out Jenny. She raised a glass of wine in salute, spilling half its contents. “Where ya been?” She was totally sozzled.

“Colin, Colin, Colin,” said Maurice. “Why are you dressed like Bruce Lee?” He burst into laughter and fell out of his chair, continuing to laugh on the floor.

I noticed that they were all wearing their regular clothes. It seemed I had been marked out for special treatment. I didn’t feel special, though. I felt like I’d been separated from the herd so I’d be easier prey.

Sonny stood up and came towards me unsteadily. “Come on, mate, have a drink. Let’s put the past in the past and start over. We’re all in this together, am I right?” He punched the air with his fist.

“Fuck off, Sonny.”

The atmosphere in the room changed. Party time was over. Captain Killjoy had arrived.

“Come on, mate,” said Sonny. “I’m trying to extend an olive branch here. We’re all friends now, right guys?”

Everyone looked at each other, then they all looked away from each other, probably trying to get their vision to focus.

“That’s because they’re a bunch of idiots.” The atmosphere went from lukewarm to frosty. “You, on the other hand, are a scumbag. You always will be. Just stay away from me.”

The smart thing would have been to accept the olive branch and pretend to get along with him so that the next time we met he wouldn’t try to kill me, but fuck that.

“Fine,” said Sonny bitterly. He slammed down his wine glass. “Come on, Mandy. Let’s go.”

Mandy stood up, wobbling. “Sonny has invited me to stay with him, so I’ll be leaving you in Colin’s safe hands.” She winked at me. “I know you’ll all miss me, but try your best to keep going. Happy adventures!” She raised a full glass of wine and downed it in one.

I walked over to her and grabbed her by the arm.

“What’s the matter? Can’t bear to see me go?”

“No, I’m fine with it. I just want a word before you leave.” I turned to the others. “We’ll just be a minute.”

I guided Mandy through the French windows onto a balcony, moved to the side so we couldn’t be seen, and then released her arm.

“Ow. That hurt.” She rubbed her arm. “Aren’t you going to heal it?” She gave me a sly smile.

“Mandy—”

“I know, I know. Look, it’s fine. I’m not going to tell anyone your secret. You saved my life. I owe you, I know that. And I’m grateful. Really, I am. So I won’t tell anyone about the hocus pocus voodoo that you do, or how you’re all chummy with the monsters.” She put a finger to her lips. “Mum’s the word.”

She tottered towards the balustrade, managing to grab it just before she lost her balance. One push would send her right over.

“Mandy. Look at me. I know you’re still upset about everything, and that’s to be expected, but don’t be so blase about it. Don’t make me regret saving your life.”

Mandy suddenly stood up straight. “Fuck you. You can’t tell me what to do. If I want to tell people about you, I will, and there’s nothing you can do about it. You should be grateful I’m being so nice about it.”

“Nice? You and I both know where nice gets you. You aren’t nice, Mandy. Which is fine. But if anyone ever comes after me and they somehow know things about me they shouldn’t know, I’m going to assume they found out from you. And then I’m going to come looking for you.”

Mandy sneered. “And then what? You’re going to kill me? Are you really capable of doing that? Killing a girl in cold blood, it just isn’t your style, is it?”

“You have no idea what I’m capable of.” I raised my hand and it burst into flame, which took her by surprise. “All I want is to be left alone. But if you can’t do that, I
will
find you, but I won’t kill you. What I’ll do is burn your face off.” The flame turned from blue to purple to red.

Mandy’s eyes widened. She was sobering up, quickly.

“For the rest of your life you’ll be the monster.”

Actually, the flames wrapped around my hand wouldn’t even singe her eyebrows, but she didn’t know that. She backed away from me, terrified.

Even though it wouldn’t hurt her, I wanted it to. The threat was real, even if my ability to carry it out wasn’t.

I rubbed my palms together and turned the flames into a ball of light, which I released into the air. We both watched it float away. I did that because it looked cool, but also because my hand was beginning to hurt and that was the only way I knew how to turn the flames off.

Mandy’s cocky demeanour floated away with the ball of light. “I won’t say anything.” Her voice was small and afraid.

The French window opened and Sonny stepped out. “You ready to go? What’s the matter?”

“Nothing,” said Mandy. She walked towards him without looking at me. “Goodbye, Colin. Let’s hope we don’t meet again.”

“Let’s,” I agreed.

It was a horrible thing to do to a girl. Threaten her, bully her, make her feel exposed and vulnerable. I had no excuse for it, even if it was a bluff intended to prevent worse things from happening. And there was another aspect of it which I hadn’t expected. When I told her what I would do to her if she betrayed me, it felt good.

The look of powerlessness in her eyes, the feeling of complete control over her, knowing I could make her do whatever I wanted… as much as I hated people who abused their power like that, when I saw the abject fear in her face… it felt really good.

“That was interesting,” said Biadet.

“Waah,” I yelped. “Stop doing that.”

She was sitting on the balustrade. How she got there, I have no idea. Her outfit had changed once more; now she was in an all black body stocking that made it hard to see in the shadows.

“Should your hand be smoking like that?”
 

I looked down. Smoke was coming off my hand. “It’s fine. It’ll go back to normal in a bit.” It actually hurt quite a lot. I had never turned the flames that red before.

“Mother always said I should find myself a man with warm hands. Maybe she meant you.”

“Your mother sounds like an idiot. You should ignore everything she tells you.”

“She’s dead.”

“Good for you.”

Biadet cocked her head to the side. “Most people offer condolences when I tell them my mother’s dead, not congratulations.”

“Most people don’t know the advantages of not having a mother in your life.”

“And what would those be?”

“Double the confidence and half the self-loathing. Look, is there any chance we could keep this between ourselves?” I flapped my steaming hand about to make it cool quicker.

“I keep no secrets from my Master.” I could see this turning into a problem. Gullen would probably strap me to a lab table and do all sorts of probing. “But I could not tell the Lord Adminstrator.”

“Wait. So Gullen isn’t your Master?” I turned to where she had been sitting, but she was no longer there.

I re-entered the room. Mandy and Sonny were gone, and the others were barely managing to stay upright.

“Hey, let’s call it a night. Go back to your rooms and sleep it off.”

There were some drunken complaints but they all staggered off, leaning against each other for support. I helped Jenny out of her chair and towards the door.

“Getting kind of chummy with old Mandy, weren’t ya,” she mumbled. “Don’t forget to invite me to the wedding.”

I took her back to her room and thought about helping her to get undressed. All of you who are thinking,
Now’s your chance, time to ride that train to Pound Town
, stop it. She was very drunk. And also, as soon as she flopped onto the bed, she passed out.

“Biadet, can you help me?”

I turned to find Biadet standing there, as expected. “Can you get her undressed and into bed?” She nodded. “Thanks.”

I left her to it and went back to my room. I walked out onto the small balcony and took a few deep breaths. The more I tried to run away from trouble, the more it chased after me. Maybe a nice desk job would be just the thing for me. Because Gullen could be trusted, right?

It had been a long day and my bed looked like the best friend I’d always wanted. I planned to climb into my best friend and jerk off until I passed out.

I stripped off and got in between the sheets. I rolled over and then leapt out with a yelp.

“Jeeee-sus. Stop doing that.”

“Doing what?” said Biadet. She was lying in the bed.

“Please tell me you’re dressed under there.”

“Of course. I’m here to watch over you.”

“Can’t you do it from another room?”

“I am unable to see through walls. Yet.”

“Well, go practice. You can’t just get into bed with a guy. Even if it’s me. What if I’d done something to you in the middle of the night?”

She looked confused. “Why? I haven’t even finished developing as a woman... Oh, so it’s like that?”

“No, it’s not like that. Stop saying that. You know, you’re a very weird girl. I don’t suppose you know a princess called Laney.”

Biadet sat up. “You know Laney?”

“Yes. Why, do you?”

“We went to the same school. We are… old friends.” The way she said didn’t make it sound like they were best buds.

“Figures. Must have been a hell of a place. Unhinged Elementary for Demented Girls.

“No. Sunshine Bouquet Academy for Ladies of Virtue.”

“Sounds lovely. Did they give you lessons in creeping the fuck out of people?”

“Every Wednesday afternoon.” It was hard not to like the sarcastic little freak.

“Get out.”

She slid out from between the sheets and walked to the door. “Tissues are in the top drawer of the bedside cabinet.” She left, but you could never be sure with her. For all I knew, she’d snuck back in and was hiding under the bed. I checked under the bed to make sure.

There was nothing there, but I couldn’t shake the feeling I was being watched. I spent a restless night tossing and turning. My hands remained above the sheets. So it was mainly turning, not so much tossing.