God Is Disappointed In You (26 page)

You’re so civilized now that I don’t even think of you as savages anymore. Some people still make a big deal over the fact that you guys haven’t been circumcised, but I don’t care. It doesn’t matter that some of us were born Jews and others were born Gentiles, all that matters is that we’re one people under God. So keep your dicks just the way you like them.

While I don’t care if you’re hung like pagans, I really must insist that you stop thinking like pagans. You know what I mean. The dishonesty. The violence. The temper tantrums. Remember, becoming Christians was supposed to make new people out of you. So here’s a little advice: Don’t let the sun go down on you while you’re still angry. Don’t let a grudge ruin the fudge, people.

If you’ve been stealing other people’s shit, give it back. And for Christ’s sake, don’t tell dirty jokes or gossip about each other. That sort of thing just devours a church from the inside out. You need to forgive each other, just as Christ forgave you. 

Some of you aren’t going to want to hear this, but here it goes: ladies, you need to submit to your husbands. That goes for you, too, slaves. Don’t be getting all uppity. Obey your master as if you were taking orders from Christ himself. Not that Christ would own slaves.
 

On the flip side, if you do own slaves, treat them well. Remember, you both serve the same master in Heaven, and he’s way too powerful to care which one of you is the slave and which one is the master here on Earth. That’d be like you trying to figure out which one of the flies buzzing around your head was in charge of the other. And men, just because you’re the head of the family and your wife has to do whatever you tell her to, that doesn’t mean you get to be an uncaring, emotionally unavailable jerk. Make her happy she married you. 

Anyway, follow my advice and remember to pray for each other and everything will be okay. Oh, and you might say a few prayers for me, too. As it happens, I’m in jail again.

Smooches!

Paul

Dear Philippians,

You know, on the whole, I think my imprisonment has actually been an asset to our cause. Aside from the fact that it’s given me the chance to share our beliefs with my guards (some of whom are actually quite nice!), you all have really responded by picking up the slack and preaching in my absence. Some of you are genuinely trying to win converts. Others are out there preaching because you see an opportunity to move up the church hierarchy now that I’m out of the picture. And frankly, I don’t care what your motives are, as long as you’re out there preaching.

If your ambition is to make it to the top, though, then I have to say you are really missing the point of what our whole movement is about. We worship a guy who, even though he was God, decided to take human form just so he could die for the human race.
So the pinnacle of Christian achievement isn’t to become a king, it’s to become a martyr.
 

It’s a strange notion for humans to wrap their heads around, I know, but don’t get confused by the critics. They’ll try to tempt you, out-talk you and make you feel stupid for turning your back on the good life. But their destiny is the grave, their god is their stomach, and their legacy will be whatever perverted shit they managed to get away with during their lifetimes. Your destiny, on the other hand, is eternal life, your god is the Almighty, and your legacy is all the people you’ve served. So there.

Stay focused. If you’re going to criticize people for being loose and immoral, then you need to be able to resist temptation yourself, or you’re going to end up looking like a total douche. If you want to be a star, then you’ve really got to shine. 

By the way, before I forget, I wanted to say thank you for the AWESOME care package! You Philippians really know how to make a guy feel special! You always have. I remember the early days, when I was traveling through Greece, spreading the gospel. While none of the other churches would give me the ass-end of a pretzel, you guys took me in, fed me, and treated me like one of your own. I will never forget that.
 

Oh, and thanks for sending me Epaphroditus to help me with my work. Unfortunately, I’m sending him back, because he is as sick as a leper. So when he gets there, give him some hot soup and a big thumbs up, okay? All your Christian buddies back here say hello, especially those of us who are staying on as Caesar’s guests in one of Rome’s many fine prisons. I hope to be able to come see you soon.

Until then, take it easy. Never sleazy.

Paul

To my holy brothers in Colossae:

At a time when so many other churches are bringing shame to the game, I’m so grateful to hear about faithful Christians like you.
 

This is why (and I can’t stress this enough) you have GOT to stick with Christianity. Despite what others may tell you, Christ is the only bridge between you and God. I’m warning you: you will run into eggheads who will use facts and clever arguments to get you to doubt your faith. Do not doubt your faith! Your soul will only make it into Heaven if it isn’t tackled from behind by your brain.
 

And don’t listen to those people in the church who still insist that you have to eat kosher foods, get circumcised, or go to the right festivals in order to become closer to God. Those are nothing but man-made rituals designed to show God how sorry we are for being human beings.
Jesus died on the cross so you could enter the Kingdom of God, so you don’t need these rituals anymore. Jesus is your circumcision!

Don’t expect puritanical rules to keep your actions holy, use your holiness to make your actions pure. Just as your heavenly souls were born with Christ’s resurrection, so did your earthly bodies die at his crucifixion. Your sexual debauchery, your anger, your greed (which is really just another form of idolatry), all of it died on the cross with our Savior.
 

So all these rules and false distinctions are meaningless now. There’s no such thing as Jews or Greeks, circumcised or uncircumcised, slave or free. We’re all members of Christ’s family. Treat each other like family. That is all.

Well, that’s it for now. I’m writing from prison, so Tychicus and Onesimus will pay you a visit on my behalf. Oh, before I go, Epaphras says “hey!” So do Justus, Demas and Luke, the doctor. Okay, enough shout-outs. If you get a chance, pass this letter on to the church in Laodicea. Swap it for the letter I wrote them. 

Slapped in chains so that Christ may reign,

Paul

Dear Thessalonians,

First of all, I just wanted to thank you guys for being so awesome. When I first showed up in Thessalonica, you were a bunch of idol-worshiping dildos, but now look at you! You are the most faithful and trustworthy Christians out there.
 

I wish all Christians were like you guys. Remember when we first met? Many of you insulted me or tried to beat me up, but even then, I didn’t try to candy-coat my teachings or tell you what you wanted to hear, so you know I was being honest with you. I love you enough to infuriate you. 

By the way, I’m sorry I had to leave you all as abruptly as I did. I heard that the law came down pretty hard on you after I left. I hope you don’t get the idea that I somehow left you holding the bag. I tried to come back as soon as I heard, but Satan suddenly made me too sick to travel. You know how he can be.

It always makes me nervous to leave new Christians on their own, because you never know what they’re going to get up to when you aren’t around. So imagine how happy I was to hear that you guys haven’t been seduced by false prophets or scared away by the cops. I am so proud of you.

I’m sorry to hear that some members of your congregation have died since the last time I was there. Unfortunately, because of their deaths, some of you are now questioning whether I might have been wrong when I said that Christ would return during your lifetime. Now, this is going to take a little explaining. It may seem like I was wrong, but I wasn’t, because your friends aren’t really dead! When Jesus comes roaring back, which will be any day now, he will bring your dead church members back to life so they can take part in all the fun. So you see, I was right after all. Christ is coming back and coming back during your lifetime, though you might be dead when he gets here.
 

Until then, assuming you’re still alive, remember to keep it in your pants. I know that’s not easy when you look around and see all these oily, tanned Greeks walking around half-naked, but chastity really is for the best. Jesus will be coming back soon, and when we all fly up to meet him in the air, trust me, you’ll want to have your pants on.
 

In closing, we don’t know the day, exactly, when Christ will be coming back, so the only way to not be taken by surprise is to live every day like it’s the big one.
 

Keep those purity rings polished.

Paul