Butterfly (22 page)

somewhere, geraniums….

He started the car.

“Where are we going?” she asked, suddenly hopeful and afraid at the same time.

He didn’t answer. He just drove the old Ford in smoldering silence. Rachel wanted to

sink into the cracked upholstery and disappear. And she couldn’t stop the quiet sobbing,

which only seemed to make him madder.

To her surprise, they pulled up in front of Bonner’s house. There was the ever-present

laundry on the lines in back, the sound of the washer going. Rachel hadn’t been here in

over two years. Now she grasped at the insane hope that he had decided to let her stay

with Mrs. Purvis until the baby was born. Yes, she would do it. And she could help the

poor old woman with her laundry—

“Stay here,” he said, and got out.

She watched him go inside. She felt her anxiety mount. Suddenly she felt terribly alone,

more alone than on that hungry night in El Paso, more alone than she had ever felt in her life.

He came out a few minutes later, his body stiff, his gestures abrupt. He got back in the

car, still not saying anything, threw it into gear, and headed off away from the direction of

Hazel’s house.

Eulalie’s “norther” had hit San Antonio, so that a cold rain was starting to fall. Danny

drove like a maniac, speeding down deserted streets, screeching around corners, until he

got to a section along the river where locked-up warehouses stood in ominous silence. He

stopped the car in front of a run-down brick building and said, “Get out.”

“Where are we, Danny?”

“I said get out.”

A nameless fear made her cling to the car seat. “What
is
this place, Danny!”

“Just thank your lucky stars I’ve got connections.”

“Connect—” She looked at the old building, at the flight of stairs, the yellow light at

the end. “Oh no, Danny!” she cried. “Not that!”

“You can’t keep it, Rachel. You’ve got to get rid of it.”

“No!” she screamed, her hands going protectively to her abdomen. “I want my baby!

Danny, please! Don’t kill my baby!”

He reached inside and pulled her out. Rachel fell to her knees on the wet pavement.

“Make all the noise you want,” Danny said, “there’s no one here to hear you. And I’m

warning you. If you don’t go through with this, you’ll never see me again.”

On her hands and knees in the dirt, she looked up at him. How he towered over her.

She had never realized he was so tall.

All of a sudden a voice came into her mind, as loud and clear as if the speaker were

standing right there with her. It was her mother’s voice, and she was saying, “Someday,

when you’re a grown woman, you’ll fall in love and you’ll understand what it’s all about.

I’ll stay by your father no matter what he does to me.”

Rachel got to her knees and put her arms around his legs. “Please, Danny,” she

sobbed. “Don’t make me kill my baby. It’s all I want in the world. I already love it. And it

loves me, I know it does. I want to carry it and keep it safe.”

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“Come on,” he said in something close to a bored tone. “We haven’t got all night.

We’re just lucky he would take you right away. This guy does a brisk business.”

She looked up at the windows painted black. “Is he a doctor?” she heard herself ask.

“Does it matter? Look, Rachel. He’s done hundreds of girls. And he’s doing it for us at

a low rate.”

She looked at him. “Please, Danny. I’ll do anything. I mean it. I’ll be good from now

on. I’ll do whatever Hazel tells me. I’ll do anything the customers ask. Just don’t…make

me kill my baby.”

He took her by the arm and propelled her out of the street. She barely struggled. This

was becoming too much like a nightmare—it couldn’t be real. She felt herself being

moved along by forces she couldn’t fight, up those horrible stairs, through a brown door,

and into a room that was filled with storage crates and furniture covered with dusty

sheets. She watched Danny go to the opposite door, knock, and then murmur softly. She

heard a lock turn, and saw the door open. Sickly yellow light spilled out.

“You caught me just in time, Danny,” a male voice said familiarly, as if he and Danny

were old friends. “I gotta thing to go to. But for you, I’ll make the time. Who is it this

time?”

“You don’t know this one.” He leaned forward and whispered something in the man’s

ear.

Rachel stared at Danny.
Who is it this time?

The man stepped back for her to enter. “Take off your skirt and panties and stockings

if you got them on. Lie down on that table.”

She didn’t move.

“Get in here,” Danny said.

She looked at him. Those hard green eyes beneath half-closed lids seemed to reach

across the room and seize her. Rachel felt his power, that Danny Mackay magnetism,

which she had never been able to fight. She did as she was told. While she removed her

lower garments, modestly retaining her bra and blouse, she saw the stranger place some

long metal objects in a medicinal basin that was filled with a strong-smelling solution.

The sheet on the table was clean, and there was a stack of fresh white towels near the foot

of it. There was also, it struck her oddly until she understood, a box of Modess napkins.

“Here,” the stranger said, handing her a glass of water and two pills. “Take these.

They’ll kill the pain.”

For an instant her eyes met his, and in that instant she saw that he was not an unkind

man. He had a gentle sort of face, like a teddy bear’s, with apologetic eyes and a stubbly

beard.
He’s a victim, too,
she thought.

She took the pills and lay back on the table.

“Open your legs,” Danny said. “Slide them into these things.”

Rachel had never been to a doctor in her life. She didn’t understand the stirrups.

Danny had to help her while she heard the stranger wash his hands.

“Can you hurry?” Danny said. “I’m late as it is.”

“Gotta wait for the narcotic to take effect. Otherwise she’ll scream bloody murder.”

“Let her. No one can hear.”

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“Danny,” she murmured, reaching up for his hand. “Danny, please don’t talk like that.

Please don’t kill my baby.”

“Hey,” said the stranger. “Is this being done against her will?”

“Just get on with it, will you?”

“I don’t force anyone in this, you know that, Mackay. A girl’s gotta come willingly.

Otherwise, it’s no go.”

“I said do it.”

“Take her out of here. I won’t do an abortion on a girl against her will. Damnit, Mackay,

this is a risky enough business! My license is on the line every time I do one of these scrapes!

Girls who come willingly keep their mouths shut. How do I know this one won’t talk?”

“I can vouch for her. And I’ll vouch for something else. You don’t do it, and I’ll blab

your name all over the street. Then see how long you keep your license.”

There was a moment of charged silence. Rachel stared up at the stained ceiling and

pictured two stags with their horns locked. For an instant she had hope. She prayed,

Please God, let me keep my baby. I’ll be good to it for the rest of its life. And I won’t be a

whore ever again.

Then she heard the stranger say, “Okay.”

She kept her eyes fixed on the ceiling, but her eyes filled with tears. “Don’t, Danny,”

she whispered. “Don’t do this to me. Let me keep my baby. I’ll go away. I promise you’ll

never have to see me again.”

Danny looked down at her. He towered over her, tall and smooth and handsome. The

familiar light was in his eyes, a light Rachel knew too well. It meant that he was in control

now; neither she nor the abortionist could stand up to him. And then suddenly, in a flash

of foresight, Rachel saw Danny as he was going to be in the future. And it frightened her.

Then Rachel felt the fingers of the stranger enter a place where she had felt the fingers

of so many strangers. He said, “Hmm. Interesting tattoo. What is it, a butterfly?”

And Danny said, “Just get on with it.”

The stranger was right, he was doing it too soon. The narcotic had not yet taken effect

when the curette came into contact with the tender lining of her uterus. Rachel screamed

so loudly and shrilly that for a moment Danny looked alarmed.

A whirlpool rose up and seemed to swallow her. She became all pain, all agony. It was

as if he had thrust a burning torch into her pelvis.
My baby!
her mind screamed. I can’t

save you! I can’t help you!

She started to thrash around on the table. Danny had to lie across her to keep her still.

But she was unaware of him. She saw herself being sucked down a long black tunnel;

there was the sound of wind rushing past her ears. She thought of all the men who had

invaded her body—her father, Danny, Hazel’s customers, and now this stranger with his

killing instruments.

As she felt the life being dragged from her body, as she felt her soul cry out in this

ultimate of violations and degradations—man punishing woman for what was her natu-

ral state—as she felt the life within her slowly die, the tiny life, and her own life, she saw

a great, dark tide come rolling toward her. It was like a black malevolent sea. And what

it was, at last, was hatred. Rachel Dwyer had suddenly discovered hatred. She had also

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discovered vows. Never again, she promised herself now, as she heard the instruments

fall into the pan, and heard rubber gloves snap off the stranger’s hand, never again was a

man going to enter her body.

And then it was over. It didn’t take much. Just a stinging rinse that hurt almost as

much as the scraping, and then the stranger was bringing her legs slowly down.

Danny had to carry her to the car; she couldn’t walk. Whatever the pills were, they

were strong. She was starting to feel a peculiar numbness invade her body. She thought

she was floating down the stairs. There was something thick and uncomfortable between

her legs; it was for the blood, she knew.

They drove in silence. She felt tears and sobs waiting to be released, but for some rea-

son she couldn’t cry. Not now.

When they pulled up in front of Hazel’s house, Danny didn’t get out of the car.

Instead, with the motor running, he turned to her. The look on his face was one of dis-

gust. “Get out,” he said. “Go sleep it off.”

“Danny,” she murmured, “you killed our baby.”

“You women make a big deal out of nothing. You should be down on your hands and

knees thanking me for getting you out of a mess. How did you think you were going to

be able to work, with a big belly? Three more months and Hazel would have thrown you

out on your ear. I did you a favor, you ungrateful bitch!”

“I don’t understand.”

“Just get out, will you? God, I’m sick to death of you. I have been since the first day I

brought you here.”

“Danny!”

“Where the hell are your brains anyway? Why do you think I even came to visit you

once? Because I wanted to? You must be crazy! It was because Hazel called me and told

me to get over here and straighten you out. Whenever you got uncooperative, she called

me—”

“No! Danny!”

“And all it took was one evening with me and you were singing like a lark again.

Pleased the customers no end, until you started to get moody again.”

She clamped her hands over her ears. “No! That’s not true! You loved me!”

“Christ, do you think I’m blind as well as stupid?” He took hold of her wrists and

yanked her hands away from her head. “You’re ugly, Rachel! You think I could love some-

one as ugly as you? Do you think any man could?”

“Please stop—”

“I knew Hazel could use you because she’s got customers who have kinky tastes.”

Danny spoke coldly. His eyes sliced into her when he looked at her. Rachel realized she

was seeing him for the first time as he really was. “You made me some good money, kid.

With your earnings I was able to go to school and make something of myself. But I don’t

need you anymore. I have better, surer ways of making money now. You were just a step-

ping-stone in my life, and now you and I are parting ways.”

“Then why didn’t you let me keep my baby!”

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“Because I’m going places. Look at this face and remember it. Hear this name and

remember it, too. Danny Mackay. I’m going to be a big man someday. I’m going to be

someone everyone looks up to. I’m going to have the power. And I don’t want anything

from my past hanging over my head. Years from now, when I’ve got my millions, I don’t

want you coming by with our bastard and trying to blackmail me. Now you have nothing

on me. I don’t even have to say I ever knew you. Now get out of my car.”

“You can’t mean it!” she sobbed. “You’re lying. You loved me. I know you did.”

“Love! You were a goddamn freak, Rachel. With your big nose stuck in fairy-tale

books all the time. Like that Martian thing you were reading in El Paso. You actually had

the nerve to read it the night I first made love to you. As though it was more important to

you than I was. So I threw it out!”

She was suddenly silent. She stared at him. “My book?” she whispered, thinking now