I
wrote my autobiography for Dr. Foreman.
"I'm impressed that you don't have those tendencies. Phoebe, but you did get yourself into trouble because of sex in your new school, didn't you?"
"I guess so."
I
had met a boy in the nurse's office as he had preplanned and the nurse caught us. It wasn't something
I
had done often before. In fact.
I
had never done anything that serious in school. I wanted to explain it, of course, describe how I had been desperate and angry and didn't care. However, she didn't need my explanation.
"You were most likely getting at your aunt. You wanted to embarrass her and your uncle, didn't you? You didn't want to be there and you were hoping you would be sent home, back to Atlanta, where you could be with your father. right?"
"Yes."
''Only he wasn't home very much. You would have ended up even worse than you did. Phoebe. In a way you were lucky to get into so much trouble so quickly and be sent here.
I
can't imagine what would have become of you had you not been picked up at the clinic. Strike that. I can imagine. I've seen girls who had to live in the streets. It's not a pretty sight, and their life expectancy isn't any better than the life expectancy of young women in some third world countries.
"Sometimes"-- she sighed and looked toward the window, which had the curtains drawn open for a change--'I feel as if I have been chosen for my work, given all this responsibility by a higher power." She looked pensive for a moment, then shook her head and smiled. "Here." She handed me the magazine. "Im sure you're interested in all this nonsense anyway."
I
looked at the magazine.
I
did want it, but if I took that and brought it back to the barracks. I would have some explaining to do.
On the other hand. I saw that if
I
didn't take it, she would be angry, suspicious. and
I
was more afraid of that than anything.
"Thank you,"
I
said.
"You're welcome. Phoebe. So, tell me, how did Gia treat you today?" she asked, holding her soft, friendly smile.
There was little question in my mind that she already knew.
"She was angry because
I
told you what she had said about Posy."
"Her Posy," Dr. Foreman muttered. "Yes. You told her you had
no
choice, of course."
I nodded.
"You're free to tell the other girls about it. If Gia sees no one believes her, it will help. Should Gia get violent or physical.
I
want to know immediately, understand?"
"Yes. Dr. Foreman."
"Good, How did she defend herself? Did she tell you anything else about her Posy? Claim she did anything?"
"She said she worked on the horses like
I
am." The more I told her that was true, the less
I
might have to tell her what I feared to tell her.
I
hoped.
"Yes, well,
of
course it was Gia who worked on the horses. You believe that, don't you?" she said quickly.
"Yes,
I
do."
"Good. As I mentioned before. Mindy troubles me more and more these days." she suddenly said, changing the subject. "She's really regressing."
"Regressing?"
"She's becoming more and more like she was when she first arrived here. She's too aloof. too distant most of the time.
I
think she's actually getting worse in some ways.
I'm
getting bad vibes these last few days.
I
want you to keep an eye on her, too, for me. Keep track of what she says, does, whenever you're around her."
"Everything she says?"
"You'll know what
I
want, Enjoy the magazine, but be sure to get your homework done first, understand?"
"Yes, Dr. Foreman."
"And no one else is permitted to read it, not even over your shoulder."
"But..."
"I
don't want to hear that they have," she added, her eyes full of threat.
I
nodded.
"You're excused."
I rose
and
started for the door. "Phoebe."
"Yes. Dr. Foreman?"
"I think you could look a lot prettier than that so-called actress, even in those ridiculous clothes. I can see you in a modeling career someday. Would you like that?"
I nodded.
"Good. I'll see what
I
can do about finding you a good modeling school when the time comes."
Every time she offered to do something good for me or said something nice to me.
I
felt worse.
Why was that?
Why should I care about anyone else anymore? She was right after all. They would all forget me
and
have nothing to do with me once we all left this place, especially if
I
returned to my neighborhood in Atlanta or someplace like it.
I
was tempted to reveal the rest of it, describe exactly what Gia was planning to
do
tonight.
"Was there something else you wanted to tell me, Phoebe?"
Did she know already? Was she expecting me to tell? Was this another test and was
I
failing it?
What kept me from telling her,
I
do not know, but
I
couldn't do it.
"Yes." I said. "Thank you."
She smiled. "You're welcome. Phoebe. Most welcome," she said, nodding slowly.
I
turned and left the house.
On the way back to the barracks.
I
was tempted to throw away the magazine. but I worried that she might ask me to return it. I know I was becoming what Gia called paranoid. too.
I
couldn't help looking around, searching for hidden cameras, microphones, or perhaps one of the buddies watching me from
a
hidden place.
Robin. Teal. and Gia looked up when I entered. They were already working on math problems.
I
noticed Mindy was still not back.
"Where did you get that?" Teal asked quickly, eyeing the magazine.
There was no point in lying about it. ''Dr. Foreman gave it to me, but she warned me not to let anyone else look at it."
Teal immediately recoiled, pulling her head down and her arms back. "Oh, we can't look at it. Only the special Phoebe can look at it. Big deal. Who cares about some stupid magazine anyway?" She returned to her homework.
Robin stared at me with an expression of disappointment. "I didn't ask for it. She gave it to me."
"Of course she did," Gia said. "She did the same thing with Mindy soon after I arrived. Its another one of her little ways to set us against each other and depend on her."
I wanted to warn her not to say so many terrible things about Dr. Foreman aloud. Surely a hidden microphone or two were in the barracks, but if I warned her. Dr. Foreman could hear the warning as well.
I said nothing and they returned to the homework. Gia asked me to join them and helped me with my assignments. I put the magazine under my cot and got my books and notebook. After a while, we all wondered what was keeping Mindy. Even alone, she should have finished by now, we thought. Of course we had no way to tell how much time actually went by since none of us had a watch and there were no clocks, but Robin estimated it was nearly a good two hours.
MLady Two appeared in the doorway and told us to prepare for bed.
"Where's Mindy?" Teal asked.
"It's none of your business where Mindy is. Your business is where you are."
I thought Teal was going to say something else, but she looked at me and then turned to her cot. Before we were all actually ready to go to bed. M'Lady Two shut off the lights,
"My business," Teal muttered. "My business is getting out of here."
No one said anything more. The air felt so heavy, even the starlight streaming through the windows looked droopy. I closed my eyes and hoped I would fall asleep quickly. but I didn't. I saw from the way Teal was lying that she had. and Robin had turned her back to me and looked very still as well.
When Gia poked me. I nearly jumped and screamed. She had moved so quietly to my bedside.
"I don't like it," she whispered. "If Mindy's not back by now, Dr. Foreman has her, and there's no telling what will happen to her. Did she indicate she was unhappy with her in any way?"
I hesitated. Should I report what Dr. Foreman had said to me?
"Yes," I whispered. "You should be careful about what you say, Gia. I really do believe there are microphones hidden around us."
"It doesn't matter. She knows what we think. Okay, let's go."
"Go?"
To the basement. like I said we would."
"But. with Mindy gone and all, don't you think it would be more dangerous?"
"That makes no difference. Don't worry. The buddies are already into their own thing by now. They're not going to stand guard over this place. Get up, put on your clothes quietly."
"But..." "Either you want to know the truth or you don't. Phoebe, but you better not call me a liar and let the others believe it. Make up your mind." Gia's face was so close to mine. I could feel her breath. "Okay. I'll go with you."
In the back of my mind I thought that if we were caught. I would tell Dr. Foreman I was going to tell her what Gia wanted to do and went along because she was going to do it with or without me. It was a weak excuse that she would probably see right through, but it was all I could come up with quickly.
Hopefully, we would find an empty basement and that would end it.
Maybe Dr. Foreman would even congratulate me. Was I terrible in hoping for that, hoping for another reward, perhaps less work, sleeping in that comfortable bed in her house, and going to a school for modeling? Was it terrible to want things for yourself. even at the expense of the others?
Natani knew how to survive out there in the raw desert world. but I had to learn how to survive here and in the world I would eventually return to, for as Dr. Foreman had made clear.
I
had no one but myself now. I almost never did. That was true, but at least I had had a place to call home.
That was gone forever. I guess I really did have nowhere to run to.
Did any of us? Really?
I saw Gia was already dressed and waiting. Everyone has her own way to survive, I thought.
Maybe this was just hers and maybe
I
had no right to ruin that for her.
But one thing I had learned and learned painfully, choice was a Here we did what we were told or what was expected of us.
Now I was Dr. Foreman's little spy.
And I had almost nothing to do with the decision to be so.
10
Good-bye. Posy
.
When you grow up in a city where there are
always some lights on and almost always noise and traffic, your nervous system has a hard time adjusting to a world of pitch darkness and silence. For one thing, you suddenly realize the majestic starlight. Almost always, even during the short time I lived with Uncle Buster and Aunt Mae Louise in the suburban community of Stone Mountain. there were streetlights or other lights that washed out the stars and there was some traffic, people walking, music from cars.
Out here in the desert, especially late at night, the uninterrupted sky was peppered with pinholes of light, some of them so big and bright. I waited to see if they were planes. They weren't. They were simply unblocked. crystal-clear. dazzling beads of
illumination. I thought to myself that if
I
ever wondered how God could see so much. this could be the answer. The stars are His eyes and He has so many of them.
Here on the ranch, the darkness was so different from the darkness
I
had known in Atlanta. This darkness was like the darkness in a dream. All of the structures. even the hacienda. were now inky silhouettes. The stillness made me conscious of my heavier. anxious breathing and the crunch of our footsteps over the gravel as we walked toward the back of the big house. There wasn't a light on anywhere inside, which meant the buddies were asleep. too.
I looked toward Natani's hogan. He wasn't anywhere in sight. He could be outside, cloaked in a shadow. Most of the time, he was just there, appearing as if he formed out of thin air, walking so softly on those moccasins that even birds didn't realize he was atop them. However, this late I imagined he was within his little house, asleep on his blanket. Even the farm animals were deathly quiet.
If
they weren't asleep, they were like me, listening. I did think I heard a horse snort. It was probably Wind Song, I thought. He could sense that I was out here and he wanted to know why.
"Move it," Gia whispered, and beckoned for me to catch up with her.
Suddenly she turned and headed quickly toward the tool shack. "Where are we going?"
"I need something," she said. "You'll see."
When we reached the shack, she opened the door an inch at a time, moving the hinges as softly and as quietly as she could. Apparently, she knew exactly where what she wanted was located, because it was so dark inside.
I
couldn't tell a rake from a hoe. I was always thinking about snakes, although Natani had told me that snakes would look for
a
rock warmed by the day's sunshine and curl up on it at night. Gia didn't seem to have an ounce of fear about them. She was in and out quickly,
a
screwdriver in her hand.
She nodded toward the house again and we walked around the corner to the metal doors that opened on steps leading dawn to the door of the basement. When we were there, she indicated we should be as quiet as could be. My eyes were used to the darkness now, as were hers. Nevertheless, she surprised me by digging into her coverall pocket to produce a cigarette lighter.
"Where
did
you get that?"
I
whispered.
I
could see her smiling. "I stole it from the buddies. When
I
was in there with Dr. Foreman one day, she left me alone and I wandered through, popped into the buddies' quarters, and found it on a desk. I got back to her office before she knew I had been about the house. I thought it would come in handy one of these days. It has.
-
Here." She handed me the lighter. "Flick it on when
I
say. I just need to see where the hinges are screwed in. Go on, flick."
I
did so and the small flame threw a lot more light on the doors than I thought it might. She started the screwdriver and had me turn off the light. I crouched and watched as she worked, moving with such care. I barely heard anything. She put each screw she took out into her pocket.
"We'll fix it when we leave," she whispered. "That way no one but you and me will know we were down there.'
I nodded.
When all the screws were out, she lifted the hinge carefully and folded it over with great care, barely making a sound.
Then she stepped back. "Ready?"
I wasn't, of course. I could never be ready for this, but then. I thought, we'll go down there and look around. There'll be nothing there and she'll change on the spot, maybe even admit she had made up Posy. The whole thing would finally be over and done. It will be better for both of us. Dr. Foreman will stop questioning me about it and surely congratulate me on helping her cure Gia.
She lifted the door ever so gently and held it open just enough for me to slip in and under.
"Go ahead." she said. "Flick the lighter so you can watch your step. When you're down far enough to make room far me.
I'll
came in and close the door softly after us."
I hesitated and looked up at the dark windows. They were more like mirrors now, reflecting starlight. On the stucco walls, shadows danced almost like savages gleefully watching me do something stupid.
"Go on before someone hears us." Gia urged, "Go."
I took a deep breath and snapped the lighter on again. In the glow I could see that the stone steps were chipped
and
cracked. I saw spiderwebs in every corner, but fortunately, no sign of any snakes. Gia put her hand on my shoulder, pressing me downward. I lowered my head
and
stepped onto the first step, then turned and slipped under the opened metal door. backing down carefully. I held the lighter up in front of me. My arm was trembling so much that the little flame wavered, but staved lit.
"Okay." I said. "Wait."
"What?" My heart seemed to thump and come to a stop in anticipation. "Gia?
What is it?"
"I think I hear something. Just keep still."
To my surprise and shock, she lowered the metal door.
I
didn't
move a muscle. The light went out so
I
had to flick it on again. Then
I
heard
a
strange new sound, like
a
tiny grinding. What was that?
''Gia?"
I stepped up until my head was an inch or so from the metal
door.
'Gia, what's happening?"
The grinding continued and then stopped.
"Gia?"
I heard nothing.
I
waited and listened,
''Gia?"
I
called more frantically.
I
pressed
on
the metal
door,
but it didn't lift. "What's happening?"
At last I heard her whisper through the crack.
"I
can't face her. Go on inside yourself and talk to her."
"What?"
I listened and heard nothing. "What
did
you say. Gia? Gia!"
I
pushed on the metal door. It moved, but this time the hasp and the lock stopped it from going any farther.
That grinding,
She
had
put the hinge back, screwed it in.
I
was locked within. My heart pounded until the blood filled my face and the pounding echoed in my ears.
I
pushed and pushed, but the metal door
didn't
budge.
It
was heavy, too.
I
thought about screaming for help, then stopped before
I
started and thought, how would I explain this to Dr. Foreman now? I hadn't done anything but violated rules. The buddies were sure to pounce on me.
"Gia. please. Let me out Please," I begged. "We'll both get into so much trouble
if
you don't. Please, Hurry."
I
thought
I
felt something on my ankle and spun around, losing my balance. Fortunately
I
caught myself on the side of the concrete before I fell down the remaining steps, but in doing that.
I
dropped the lighter. I heard it bounce down the steps. Now,
in
the pitch darkness.
I
was sweating more from panic than heat. I heard myself whimper.
Slowly, using my foot, I searched each step until
I
felt something move.
I
hesitated, waiting to see if it would move again, but under its own power.
I
touched it, and then, confident it was the lighter.
I
knelt down in careful increments and felt for it. When
I
had my hands around it.
I
permitted myself to breathe again.
I flicked it on.
I had the lighter, but what was
I
going to do?
I looked at the door at the bottom of the stairs. Maybe it was unlocked and maybe
I
could make my way through the basement and then upstairs and out the front door of the hacienda without anyone hearing or knowing. It was worth a try. Certainly,
I
couldn't stay here all night and I didn't want to shout for help if
I
didn't have to.
I continued down the stairs and turned the door handle, pushing gently on it. The door groaned so I stopped and waited, listening to see if anyone moved about above. There was no sound so
I
pushed again and the door opened enough for me to slip through.
I
thought about it again, looked back up the stairs. realized
I
had no choice, and went into the basement.
It wasn't much of a basement, just a single, long room.
I
lifted the lighter as if
I
were imitating the Statue of Liberty or something and turned slowly. There was furniture, a small bed and a dresser. The bed had a light blue pillow and a blanket. Someone had obviously slept there. The pillow was still indented with the shape of her head.
Over to the right of the bed was a small desk, resembling the desks we had sat at when first brought to the orientation room. Instead of a stool, there was a wooden chair.
I
saw a small lamp on the desk and approached slowly, gazing into the dark depth of the basement. What frightened me the most, of course, was the possibility of rats.
But the basement floor was bone dry and actually looked as if it had recently been swept and vacuumed. I didn't see any spiderwebs either. I lifted the lighter a little higher and the darkness retreated a bit more. I could make out a short stairway at the far end. I didn't see into every dark corner yet, but
I
didn't think anyone was there.
I
walked down a bit farther and held the light high enough so I could find the floor grate Gia had spoken about. I didn't. but
I
thought
I
did hear voices, so I turned quickly and retreated.
I approached the desk and found the switch for the lamp. To my joy, it lit, and with that illumination I could clearly see the whole room. Except for this little bit of furniture, there was nothing and. I concluded, releasing the hot breath I had bottled up in my lungs, no one in the basement, I gazed at the desk and saw an envelope. The envelope wasn't addressed. but when I picked it up. I realized something was in it. I took out the paper and unfolded it. This was a letter and it began with Dear Mom and Dad...
I sat on the chair and began to read the letter.
First, I want to tell you I'm all right. It was very, very hard at first. Dr. Foreman made it seem as if this was going to be a fun place with strict rules, but nevertheless, not an unpleasant experience. She and I had a wonderful talk when I first arrived. She explained how her first concern would always be my wellbeing but she wanted me to understand that sometimes, she would appear very cruel and unreasonable to me. She compared herself to a dentist.
"I've got to drill away the rot in you,' she said, "the decay that's poisoning, the healthy part of you."
I thought that was very reasonable and I promised her I would always try to see things from her point of view. We got started on a good note.
Here at her school, she has older girls to assist her. She told me those girls were former students. At first, I couldn't believe it She had given them so much responsibility. How could they have been in enough trouble to be sent here and then become trusted assistants?
Dr. Foreman said that when I improved, I would probably make for a great assistant, who she calls buddies because they help the new students. They acted tough and hard, but I knew they were only trying to help me.
Anyway, I have another reason for writing this letter. Dr. Foreman has gotten me to understand that I can't improve until I admit to my problems and weaknesses. She says girls like me have to go through a process not unlike the process alcoholics
experience. We have to stand up and confess first. We have to say, "I am an alcoholic."
Page
Of course, I'm not an alcoholic. I have to say I'm a liar and a deceitful person. So, first, let me say that. I have lied and deceived you both many times. I'm sorry about it, but I'm most sorry for what I did right before I was sent here. I know it was a horrible thing to do to make Tamatha sick by putting that insect poison to her food. I was so angry', but that didn't justify it. As Dr. Foreman says, I have got to learn how to channel my anger into other, more productive activities and learn how to talk about the things that bother me. I can tell you I worked hard at hiding everything, and it wasn't your fault that you never knew half the terrible things I had done. You didn't deserve to have a daughter like me.
Thanks to Dr. Foreman and her treatments, I can how do all that she suggested I should do. In ashamed, of course, and I'm sorry, too. We don't promise things here. Promises are like soap bubbles. They look really beautiful, but when you touch them, they pop and fall to earth and are gone. Dr. Foreman says, "They're not worth the air they're written on." She has a wonderful way of putting things sometimes.
So I won't make promises about the future and how I will behave. I'll just do the right thing.
I don't want you to believe that all this has happened overnight. It took a long time and I had to do many, many things that I know would be unpleasant to anyone else, especially some of my socalled friends. Dr. Foreman has shown me how none of them were really my friends.
There is only one other girl here at the moment. Dr. Foreman says the new girl and I are sort of between scheduling periods, and new girls will be arriving soon. Dr. Foreman just doesn't take anyone that people want to send here. She spends a lot of time analyzing and thinking about the girl and her problems first.
This other girl who is here is a lot like me in so many ways, but she is very unhappy and still very angry at the world and everyone in it. She hates me for being happy about anything
She calls me Pollyannaish and says my eyes are blinded by stars. She very intelligent, but very bitter.
Dr. Foreman decided recently that she was not a good influence on me and we, therefore, had to be separated. She gave me a new place to stay. At
.
first, it was a very lonely place and then, one day, a man
;
an Indian man who is in charge of the ranch animals and farming, told me that the world is really inside you and not outside you. His name is Natani and I did not understand what he meant
;
of course.
But he showed me how to look inside myself and find the world I needed That's really where I go now. In the beginning, I was there for very short periods. Those periods grew longer and longer until I realized I could go there forever, if I wanted. I told Natani and he didn't say I should or shouldn't. He said I would know myself how long I should be away,
This is probably confusing you. I know it's hard for anyone who hasn't done it to understand.
But, I can't explain it any more than to say, I'm happy, happy enough to want to stay here forever.
So, Mom and Dad, I wanted to write this last letter to you and tell you good-bye, but not a sad good-bye. Oh, no. This is a happy good-bye for I am not leaving you. In my world we are always together and, Mom, you are as beautiful as you were when you were a young woman, and, Daddy, you are as handsome as you were when you were a young man, and do you know what else? You don't get old in this world. You are young forever and ever, and you are always laughing and smiling. We're together the way we should be, the way we once were, and you always have time for me.
So be happy for me, Mom. Be happy for me, Dad.
I love you more now.
Forever,
Posy