Beyond Broken (The Bay Boys #3) (10 page)

Her chest ached.
 
Caleb must’ve really loved his uncle.
 
No wonder he was still bitter and hurt from his passing.
 
But what she said last night had been true.
 
Time didn’t heal.
 
It only made the pain more manageable.
 
She still cried whenever she thought of her own father.

“I’ll be in touch, Greg.
 
Yes, you too.”
 
The phone was set back in its cradle, the noise making Maddie tense.
 
Without missing a beat, Caleb addressed her, “You’re almost an hour late.”

“Good evening to you too,” Maddie mumbled under her breath.
 
Caleb scowled at her from across the room, but she felt somewhat safer, hiding behind her own desk now.
 
She sighed.
 
“I’m sorry.
 
But I told you yesterday that I had to meet with a professor.
 
I got here as fast as I could.
 
I can stay later, if you’d like.”

Even he couldn’t argue with that, surely.
 
She returned her gaze to the computer, replaying his words last night in her mind.
 
If he didn’t want to be friendly, if he just wanted her to work, then that was fine.
 
She would work.

Last night, she thought they were making progress.
 
She thought that his eyes had softened towards her when she told him about her own loss.
 
She thought that maybe—a stupid, foolish part of her—they could try to be friends.
 
The look in his eyes when he’d apologized was so sincere and she saw a glimmer of the boy who sat with her that day in the courtyard, listening to her cry but not leaving, despite his discomfort.

Then he had to hurt her.
 
The look in his eyes had changed, morphing into a knowing, bitter acceptance, like he wouldn’t allow himself to get close to her.
 
Like he didn’t want anything in his life that could hurt
him
, ever.
 
She wondered if he was lonely, living a life like that, where he kept everyone at arm’s length.
 
Maybe he didn’t think about it that way.
 
Maybe he did it because it wasn’t a choice, but a necessity.

So, Maddie would help him push her away, if that was what he truly wanted.
 
Who had she been kidding anyway, to think that this was her second chance with Caleb?
 
And she had to ask herself, did she even want someone like him in her life?
 
He was angry and bitter.
 
He couldn’t string a sentence together without insulting her.
 
Sure, she was physically attracted to him.
 
What women wouldn’t be?
 
But was he worth all the hurt?

She didn’t know.
 
And it looked like she wouldn’t find out.

They worked silently.
 
Caleb took a couple more calls, his voice filling the small office, coursing over her until her skin prickled.
 
Every now and again, she thought he was looking at her, but she wouldn’t look up for confirmation.
 
She threw herself into the work, which was easy, considering the bookkeeping program installed on the laptop was severely out-of-date and gave her sufficient distraction.

Once she got the hang of the program, however, Maddie grew more aware of the ongoing silence between them, feeling like she should say something to break it, to ease the awkwardness of it just a little.
 
She twitched and shifted in her chair, her throat turning dry.

When she happened to glance up, her eyes widened when she saw his gaze on her.
 
He looked almost annoyed, his mouth pinched down into a frown, the thin space between his brows creased.
 
I’m sorry
, was on the tip of her tongue, but then she looked determinedly away.
 
Why should she be the one apologizing to him?
 
She’d done nothing wrong.

She caught him looking at her a couple more times as the clock ticked by and each time unsettled her even more.
 
It was almost as if he
was
expecting her to say something, like he waiting for it, anticipating it, which confused her even more.

Maybe he just wants another fight
, she thought.
 
Maybe he likes to fight
.

She wouldn’t be the one to give in, however.
 
She wanted to prove something to him, to herself, although she didn’t quite know what exactly.
 
It still seemed important.

After a couple hours of working in complete silence, Caleb finally surrendered.
 
In a gruff voice, he asked, “Who did you lose?”

Her brow furrowed, her eyes darting up to his.
 
Looking resigned, he simply stared at her, waiting for an answer.
 
It took her a moment to realize that he was referring to their conversation last night—if it could even be called a conversation.

She wanted to say, “I’m just trying to work, Caleb,” but it seemed childish to throw his words back in his face.
 
And, despite the way he hurt her last night, she didn’t want to hurt or reject him.

So, she told him, “My dad.”

He was quiet for a moment and she returned her gaze to the screen in front of her, although she couldn’t make sense of the numbers.

“What happened?”

Maddie swallowed.
 
“Pulmonary embolism.
 
It was a blood clot in his lungs.”

“Did he suffer?”

Something in his tone made her look up again.
 
She recalled Brian’s words from the first night she worked here.
 
How Caleb’s uncle had passed away from lung cancer.
 
How they’d all known it was coming, how he’d been sick for a long time.

Maddie didn’t know if her father had suffered or not.
 
There had been symptoms, but he’d brushed them off.
 
Towards the end, she didn’t know if he’d been in any acute pain.

“It was sudden.”

Not wanting to talk about it, she pushed out of her chair, going over to another stack of papers from 2010 she’d organized, balanced on a couple boxes.
 
Her hands were shaking and when she reached for them in a hurry, desperately needing a distraction, she accidentally kicked one of the boxes, sending the papers toppling to the floor.

“Darn,” she murmured, dropping to her knees.
 
She heard Caleb’s chair creak and then felt his heat as he crouched next to her.
 
“It’s all right, I got it.”

Their hands brushed, reaching for the same paper, and she snatched hers back so quickly that it made him freeze.
 
She shuffled together the stack, but knew that she’d had to reorganize it before she could enter anything into the computer.

“Here,” he said, giving her what he’d collected.

“Thank you.”
 
Even to her own ears, her tone sounded stiff.

She was just about to rise from the floor, but he took her by surprise and caught her hand, just like he’d done the night before.
 
Staring down at where their skin met, her lips parted and then she met his eyes.

That same look of bitter acceptance was written over his features and he seemed to be struggling with himself, looking like he was on the verge of saying something but then second guessing himself.

“I should get back to work,” she said, her voice coming out as a whisper.
 
They were too close, she thought in mild alarm.
 
She could smell that same woodsy musk that made her mouth water.
 
Her heartbeat increased when she imagined tasting his skin, but then she shook herself, knowing that it would never happen.
 
Not in a million years.

His voice came out as a rasp.
 
“I’ve always wondered whether it’s better for someone to go quickly or to linger.
 
My uncle lingered.
 
And by the end, I was wishing he would die.
 
That’s fucked up, isn’t it?”

The pain in his voice hit her like a hammer and she froze under his grip.

“For five months, he was in pain.
 
I watched him slowly wither away, becoming a shell of the man he’d once been.
 
I try not to think of him like that, but sometimes I can’t not.
 
On occasion, that’s how I remember him.
 
Maybe it’s for the best that your father’s death was sudden.
 
Sometimes, things are inevitable.
 
Life likes to fuck with us all, doesn’t it?
 
Sometimes, I’m thankful I got to say goodbye slowly.
 
Other times, I wish he died when they found the cancer, because no one should have to go through what he went through, and no one should have to go through what I went through, what the people that loved him went through, because it’s hard to come back from something like that.
 
But I’m sure you know that already.
 
You’ve probably thought about all this before, running it through your mind, making yourself crazy with it.”
 
He leaned closer.
 
“What do you think of me now?
 
Do you think I’m a monster for wishing he would die?”

“I—I think you did the best you could in an awful situation.
 
That’s all you can do.”
 
She swallowed the lump in her throat, her mind scrambled.
 
“I’ve come to terms with my dad’s death.
 
It took me a long time though.
 
And in the end, I think you’re right.
 
I’m glad it was quick.
 
At the same time, I wish I could’ve said goodbye.”

The space between them was charged, the tension electric.
 
Their dark eyes locked and held.
 
Maddie realized that if she did this with anyone else, it would feel unnatural.
 
It would make her fidget and would feel like ants were crawling under her skin.
 
With Caleb, it seemed like the most natural thing in the world.

He brushed a piece of hair away from her cheek and her eyes widened.
 
His fingertips were rough but his touch was gentle and for a moment, Maddie forgot how to breathe.
 
How could such a simple touch affect her like this?
 
Her lips were dry and she wetted them with her tongue.
 
Caleb watched the movement, his gaze flickering into something else entirely.
 
Maddie’s stomach clenched when she realized it was desire.
 
Dazed, she realized he
wanted
her, that he was as affected by her as she was by him.

Unconsciously, she leaned forward, just an inch or two, closing the space between them.
 
For a moment, she thought he would kiss her.
 
She wanted him to, wanted to discover what it would be like to feel his lips on hers, wanted to discover what a kiss felt like at all, since she’d never kissed anyone, except when she’d kissed boys on the playground before she ever even knew what a kiss
was
.
 
Would he be rough?
 
Or would he be unexpectedly gentle like his touch?

The moment was gone, however, when he pulled back those few inches she’d gained.
 
His hand dropped away from her face and he averted his gaze, rising from the floor.
 
For a moment, she was left reeling, wondering what had changed.
 
The space felt cold now without his heat.
 
She felt all wrong, like a puzzle that had been put together the wrong way, pieces jammed, edges misaligned.

Clumsily, she pushed to her feet and Caleb turned from her, retreating back to his desk.
 
He said nothing, so Maddie didn’t either.
 
Her face burned with embarrassment, with rejection, but she took her stack of papers and sat down at her own desk, trying to put the strange moment out of her mind.

Easier said than done.
 
No matter how much she tried to concentrate on reorganizing the 2010 stack, her mind wouldn’t work.
 
Maddie could still smell him, all around her.
 
Her skin felt too sensitive, her breath too shallow.
 
Finally, she saved her work and shut down the laptop, figuring that she could start fresh tomorrow.

She rose from her chair and looked at Caleb uncertainly.
 
“I’m going to head out.”

He nodded, not looking up from his computer screen.
 
“If you don’t have school work tomorrow, I’d rather you come in at noon.
 
I won’t be here tomorrow night.”

Tomorrow was Saturday.
 
She’d planned to spend the day in the library, but she could rearrange her schedule.
 
Perhaps working in the same office when it was still light outside would keep temptation at bay.
 
When it was just the two of them, with only Brian downstairs in the garage, it seemed too personal.
 
Especially after tonight.

“Okay,” she said quietly.
 
“Good night.”

Then she left.
 
It felt like a relief as she escaped down the metal staircase.
 
Coward
, her mind whispered, but she didn’t care.
 
She just wanted to be alone.

Brian had already left for the night and the garage doors were shut tight.
 
Thankfully, the side door was unlocked and she escaped the building without having to ask Caleb for help.

As she drove home, she thought of him still working in the upstairs office, alone, and it made her chest ache.