I was eleven
years old when my mother left. Maggie my mom just couldn't deal with it
anymore, but why didn't she take me with her? That was a question I seemed to
ask myself every day. I haven't seen her since and that was over 6 years ago.

I am
stuck here with John my father. He has always been a heavy drinker. I can
honestly say... I can't remember a time that he hasn't been drunk or drinking.
Alcohol to him was like breathing, something your body must have to survive. He
is a miserable man. He yells all the time and no matter what I do it's never
right. No matter how hard I try…in his eyes I still screwed it up. He looks at
me as a younger version of Maggie and believe me he is not her biggest fan…not
anymore.

Chapter One

Here I
stand in front of Kemper High School on the first day of my last year. I'm a
senior now and that much closer to being away from John for good. In Fact just
this morning he wished me good luck on my first day by saying..."Good you
leaving…get the hell out of my face you look just like that bitch." Funny
thing is that was probably one of the more calm moments we have shared lately.
It wasn't followed by some form of physical threat or abuse, the mental abuse
well that was just every time he opened his mouth.

"Payton,"
I heard from behind me. Ah yeah, Casey no she was the only person I could count
on. She was my breath of fresh air, my savior and very best friend. Without her
in my life to help me through all the rough times and to rescue me from the
hell I was left to live in, I'm not sure I would have made it to this point.
"Hey I called you last night did the asshole tell you?" Can you feel
the love…Casey knows just how John is and she hates him as much as I. "You
know he never gives me messages so... what do you think,” I never had a cell
phone because John said he wasn’t spending any money on me. Trying to reach me
at home well you should just save your time because if he was home I never got
to talk.

Over the
summer I spent most of my time at her house by the pool. I would do anything to
keep my distance from John. The best part about the summer was Dylan, Casey’s
oldest brother. Now he was a nice distraction, he was off from college and
spent a lot of time lounging around the pool with us. I must say a shirtless
Dylan is a MAJOR bonus in my book. He is so handsome and I think I have been
addicted to him for what seems like forever. He is twenty now, six foot tall
and naturally tan. He spends a lot of his time working out so his muscles are
defined and so yummy. His hair is a light shade of brown and just long enough
to run your fingers through. He has Dreamy blue eyes the kind you could get
lost in for hours. It was all linked to the absolute most perfect smile. He's
gorgeous and he knows it. Dylan
is

amazing
in so many ways but when he
looks at me he sees his little sister’s best friend.

"Are
you daydreaming again?" Casey whispered in my ear to bring me back to
reality. "Sorry Case I'm just a bit distracted," I told her. She
knows that I am completely in love with Dylan. Of course she has no idea why,
she thinks he's a jerk. "Please just tell me that your little time warp
has nothing to do with my brother and we can continue are day in peace?" Her
eyes pleaded for me to tell her it wasn’t Dylan on my mind. When I just looked
at her without speaking a word she knew the answer was not what she wanted to
hear. "Really Payton why don’t you just tell him you like him already,"
she groaned in such frustrated tone. "You've been drooling over him since
we were thirteen, don’t you think it is time to just tell him!" Um Hell
no! What was she thinking, "No, no
way!
" I
gasped, "He would laugh at me that’s why…he looks at me as some annoying
little girl...I can’t and...you can’t...Promise me" Casey paused for what
felt like a lifetime and then, "Fine okay I won’t say anything but you
need to make a choice either move on or tell him you have feelings for
him." We walked off toward school to begin are first day of our senior
year.

The day
came and went pretty quickly. Casey invited me over to her house after, which
is pretty common considering I try to stay away from home as much as possible.
Karen her mother has really taking me in as one of her own and never seems to
object to the fact that she has an extra child around eighty percent of the
time. Karen's a nurse and an amazing mother. Casey’s father passed away ten
years ago to cancer and she has worked so hard to take care of her three
children. She is determined to give them everything they need and more in life.
I find myself imagining that she really is my mother most days. Carter, Casey’s
youngest brother is thirteen and such a little player or so he thinks. He walks
around like he is just the best looking guy there is. He is a cutie but, that
has really gone to his head. Give it a few more years though and he will for
sure have heartbreaker written all over him.

"Hi
Girls," Karen yelled over her shoulder as she was checking dinner in the
oven. "Hey mom what’s for dinner?" Casey asked as we walked by,
"Roast, but you girls are going to have to finish things up for me and
clean up after," Karen explained as she placed the Roast back into the
oven to finish baking. "I have to cover a shift at the hospital tonight,"
before Casey could argue with her mother I responded quickly, "We sure can…no
problem." From the corner of my eye I could see Casey glaring at me but I
never turned her way. She really has no idea how good she has it. We found our
way down the hallway toward her bedroom as we walked through the family room
Carter looked up from his current game of PlayStation winking at me and saying,
"Hey there Sexy"... nodding his head with that little cocky grin. He
thinks he is such a little stud. Casey kept walking shooting him a nasty glare,
"Shut up Carter you’re such a brat". I don’t know what came over me
usually I just ignore him but I turned toward him slowly walking his way,
"It’s okay Case," I sat down really close to him wrapping my arm
around his shoulders. I leaned in really close and in this sweet low tone I
asked, "Carter…have you ever kissed an older girl?" I leaned back
just slightly as he turned to face me I lightly licked my lower lip. He was
floored, rendered speechless this is definitely not normal he never shuts up
after a moment he responded, "Well I uh....um sure I uh." He got off
the couch quickly mumbling something about calling his friend and left the
room. I got up walking toward Casey as I looked at her and we both laugh,
"That’s just gross Payton you do know that now you are the subject of his
next nasty dream!" Casey wrinkled her nose as she walked through her
doorway. Right before I entered her room I caught movement in the hallway.
Standing there leaning against the wall with that sexy little grin of his, the
one that makes me melt from the inside out was Dylan. He winked right before he
asked, "So Payton have you ever kissed an older guy?" Still feeling a
little daring I lifted up my hand to my mouth lightly tracing my finger across
my lower lip and then went for it, "Sure all the time Dylan older guys are
so much more experienced. Why mess around with the ones that are still learning
right?" He stood there holding my gaze and then turned toward the kitchen,
turning to look over his shoulder one last time before he was out of sight.

I closed
Casey’s door and collapsed on the bed my heart was racing from the look on
Dylan's face. Worry struck suddenly, "Oh God...I can’t believe I just acted
that way to Dylan do you think he thinks I'm a slut?" Overly dramatic Casey
begins her fake little cough, "You a slut…Please Payton you're like a nun.
You have kissed two guys your entire life and the first one didn’t even really
count. Jake was a slobbering dope your freshmen year and it was a dare. Then
there was Matt your junior year at Homecoming." Okay so it was true that
my experience level was much lower than Casey’s but I was just not that
confident. Sure it was easy with Carter I had nothing to lose he's a kid but
when it came to guys my own age or older I just froze. The comment I had just
made to Dylan was way out of character for me and frankly I was still shocked
that I even had the nerve to act that way especially to him. Casey has been
dating Seth for over a year now and lost her virginity to him within the first
6 months. She was always telling me to just find a guy and get it over with. It
just meant more to me than something you did to get it out of the way. I felt
that I was not very pretty and extremely self-conscious about my body. Even
over the summer I was constantly covering myself up when Dylan was around. When
we were in the pool I never got out until he wasn’t looking. I'm sure her
thinks I have some terrible mutant growth or skin rash. Casey is always trying to
play dress-up with me telling me to show more skin and to stop hiding in the
baggie clothes…dress more like her. John has called me a slut and a whore ever
since my mother left. He said she left him for another man and somehow...now
apparently I'm just like her. I guess it was completely my fault or so he makes
me feel that it is.

Chapter Two

There was
a hard knock on Casey’s door followed immediately by it flying open and Dylan barging
in, "Casey dinner's ready and you girls need to set the table." Wow I
felt like such a little sister around him. I hated that he looked at me as some
frumpy little girl. It seriously made me feel like I still wore pigtails and
braces. So I wasn’t beautiful by any standard but I wasn’t hideous either. I
was 5'3 around 110 pounds I had dark brown hair to the middle of my back and
green eyes. A few little freckles speckled across the bridge of my nose and
lightly across my cheeks. But I hid behind big t-shirts and baggy jeans. I
followed Casey out of her room and to the kitchen where I helped her set the
table and we poured the drinks. Carter entered the room and seemed to still be
a little embarrassed about our encounter earlier...he refused to make eye
contact. I seemed to be having the same issue with Dylan about my comments to
him. After we finished our dinner and everything was cleaned up I decided it
was time to head home. Casey had walked me to the front door and Dylan
hollering over his shoulder as he was running up the stairs toward his room,
“Bye pain in the ass." He always seems to refer to Casey and me as the two
biggest Pains in his ass. Not really the category I want to be in from a guy I
found absolutely adorable. Looking at Casey and I knew at that moment my face
showed my disappointment smiling slightly she said, "just tell him". I
let out a slow breath looked her in the eyes, "Case I’m just not enough
for Dylan, I am nothing like the girls he dates...I'm just me." She leaned
in hugged me tightly and whispered, "Well you would be too much of a good
thing for him and he would be too stupid to realize it." I smiled a
halfhearted smile and thanked her for her compliment but I was definitely not
convinced. I walked to the rusted rundown Camry parked in the driveway and
drove home to the place I call "HELL"

It was a
quarter passed seven when I pulled up to my house and there was a car that I
didn't recognize in my spot in the driveway. I parked along the road reaching
across the seat grabbing my bag and started for the house. I heard voices
spilling from the windows definitely John and a woman’s voice. I couldn't make
out the words they were saying but it was mixed in with some laughter. For a
split second a hint of hope that maybe just maybe she had come back. What was I
thinking honestly after six years it really was just a lost hope. I turned the
knob and walked in to John on the couch in what looked to be the start of a
very heated moment with some woman. Before I knew what happened John was in my
face shoving me back out the door. He pushed me up against the side of the
porch. Two inches from my face smelling of extreme alcohol and slurring heavily
he said, "You better keep your ugly ass outta my house until I say you can
come in. I am busy in here and you are not welcomed!" He pulled back and
stayed staring at me then turning slowly to go back into the house but just
before entering he looked toward me one last time and with such hatred in his
voice said, "You know how much I hate you?" Letting out the air I'd
been holding in my lungs in one long breath I thought to myself at least this
time he didn’t hit me. I had to leave and go for a walk because the noises that
were coming from the house five minutes later were definitely way more than I
could handle. After about an hour passed I returned home to find the vehicle
from earlier was gone. I walked slowly up the front steps and lightly knocked
after no answer I slowly opened the door and walked in. The living room was
empty, as a walked down the hall I heard the shower. I snuck quietly passed the
door and straight into my room. I climbed into my bed hoping that he would just
go to sleep. After about an hour or so I hadn’t heard anything and I began to
relax and slowly drifted off to sleep.

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